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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Bad things

If I don't die of a broken heart it will be of smoking. I remember saying to my partner when I was in the third trimester and couldn't breathe because of baby and the flu that I would never smoke again (I smoked here and there when I thought I had real problems but stopped a few months before conceiving), then my baby died and the smoking frenzy begun.

Oh and if it's not from smoking it will be of skin cancer because every time I visit my baby at the cemetery it's hot as hell and I'm not really in the right frame of mind when I go out there to lather myself in sunscreen.

So ironic that my baby died of a random defect that had nothing to do with my health despite me doing all the right things and the crack head down the road that smoked for nine months and god knows what else now has a healthy baby.
January 31, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTilly's mum
Tilly's Mum,

I am very sorry. I know how horrible this all is. I have actually thought of smoking, too. I was never a smoker before I got pregnant with Riyad, so I don't think I would--but I've been doing other things. I haven't been eating properly and I don't really care. I haven't been drinking much water either. I just don't care. My husband is eating healthy, and I myself cook him the healthy meals, but I just don't care to eat. I guess, in a way, I am trying to tell you that I too am doing some self-destructive things because--screw it. Our babies are dead. It's unfair and life is unfair and why should anything else really matter?

I don't have much wisdom to give you, because we are roughly equal in terms of how far we are from our losses. I just want you to know that I'm right there with you. Sunscreen? I probably wouldn't do it either. I live in MIchigan, so it's freezing cold right now and when I go to the cemetery, it's covered in snow. But I go outside and am one of the only people walking around to my son's grave, in 20 degree weather, freezing my rear end off. But I don't care.

As for the crack head down the road...I hate that, too. So, so much. We did everything right to take care of our babies, why does this negligent woman get to keep hers? It sucks. I know. I'm right there with you.
February 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada
Thanks Nada,

It's so tough hey. I haven't been eating and drinking well either. I would make myself drink 3 litres of water a day when the morning sickness subsided.. And boy was that bad. People always ask me if being so sick had anything to do with my babies defect and it didn't, I was so miserable for the first 20 weeks pretty much that I thought I'd survived the hardest part, oh how naive of me.

No rhym or reason, I believe it's all just luck, your either unlucky or your lucky. Lets just hope we're the lucky ones next time.
February 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTilly's mum
Tilly's Mum,

I'm sorry but that's a bit stupid of people to ask you that. Nothing you did or any morning sickness or anything else involving you was directly related to Tilly's condition. Stupid people! I agree, it really is luck. I don't believe fate had anything to do with this, or God's plan, or anything like that. Just luck. It's ok to be bitter and angry, because I am too. When I don't blame myself, I am sad, bitter, and angry at this turn of events. But sometimes I just have to unwind and rest my brain from all this constant thinking.

I hope you find some peace tonight. Just lying down and relaxing sometimes helps me immensely. I'm looking forward to doing that, and just resting my mind.
February 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Tilly. I don't have much wisdom to share but wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Since we lost our son Aiden we have become different people. I now drink, occasionally smoke and have made quite a few bad financial decisions. I was as straight as an arrow, now it seems pointless. I am also less empathetic and generally angrier and I feel that we are all entitled to be. Its not, nor will it ever be, fair for a mother to lose her child. The sacrifices we made during pregnancy only add insult to injury. I was worried about drinking COFFEE so I quit. Ironic isn't it?

I hope that knowing you did everything you could gives you some peace. I've found yoga helpful, something about the quiet clears my mind.
February 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJ&A's Mom
Thanks for the support girls,

J&A's mom.. Aiden is a beautiful name, I've always loved it. I gave up coffee too, I am a addict but gave it up because I thought it was bad during pregnancy. After they diagnosed Tilly in utero at 34.4 I was pregnant for another ten days.. In which I consumed a lot of coffee, as well as the other foods I hadn't eaten for nine months in fear of them hurting my baby.. ??

Thanks Nada, I look forward to that too, it's almost the week end so I'm looking forward to having my fiancé home with me too.
I'm certain it's luck.. I don't believe in anything else really, a lot of people say it wasn't meant to be but I really hate that because I think well why did that car hit and kill that child.. Oh because it wasn't meant to be? Or worse the dad that shook his baby? Just plain and simple shit luck.

I was severely sick for a good 5 months and everyone told me it means a healthy baby.. Now they're all say the opposite. How was your pregnancies?

Thanks for the support girls and I'm sorry for all of us. Xx
February 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTilly's mum
Tilly's Mum,

I hate that saying too. Like, if it was meant, why is it that other children weren't "meant" to pass away, but ours were chosen? Why were other kids "meant" to be diagnosed with cancer, or other fatal illnesses, or die of starvation, or pass away in unfortunate accidents, and the children of some morally terrible and corrupt people are just fine? That just doesn't make sense, and it gives me a reason to feel angry at whatever higher power may be up there. I don't want to be angry. I just want to adhere to the belief that bad things happen all the time to good people, and these events don't pick and choose who they happen to. Life is just a gamble. It doesn't pick and choose or favor any one over the other. That line of thinking also helps me when I question, "why me?" It just happens. It's awful, and unfortunate, and I wish more than anything else that it didn't happen, but it just does. I like to rely on science, logic, and hard facts. Thinking of mystical powers or meant to be thinking just hurts. So I think of the facts. Scientifically, this is what happened. I probably had an abruption, which was probably caused by a blood clot, without any risk factors. That is what happened. Whether or not it could happen again, whether or not it was fair (it wasn't), whether or not it was an act of nature and a fluke (could have been)...there's facts, logic, and reasoning to back it up. It helps me stay rational and grounded. I don't know if that helps you at all.

I never had morning sickness throughout my pregnancy. Not a single day. I was very worried the beginning of pregnancy because I thought it meant something was wrong. Everyone was envious of the fact that my pregnancy appeared so "easy" and that I didn't have any issues or ever threw up. Ironically, it ended in a stillbirth. It's funny that people told you at first your morning sickness meant a healthy baby, but now are questioning it. Maybe my lack of morning sickness was questioned by people, too. But I don't think morning sickness had anything to do with whether or not our babies survived in the end, since our experiences are so different.
February 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada
I am of the same opinion Nada. I could go on and on about the injustice of this, and everything else terrible that happens in this world. Sometimes I feel like I'm being laughed at by whatever power there is.. like someone thought it was funny to lead my on and wait until I had set up a beautiful nursery and prepared myself for being a mother before going "alright lets f*ck this up now".

I don't know, but it's nice to know I am not alone in my thoughts and actions. I don't want to be angry either, I get so bitter towards people that have babies but then I think no snap out of it you of all people should know nothing is promised and how bad would you feel if something happened!!

I was so sick that I thought I just can't do this again, we only wanted one child for a few years but being bedridden and throwing up constantly really scared me.

I hope your having as good a day as you can.
February 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTilly's mum