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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Almost one year out

We are quickly approaching the first anniversary of our son's death. It's just under a month away, and I'm finding it trickier than I thought I would. In theory, it's just another day without my baby. But my body/spirit/mind seem to be remembering or somehow subconsciously re-enacting this time last year - things look the same, smell the same, we're doing the same seasonal things - so I have an underlying excitement (we're about to meet our baby), and it gets all mixed up with a sense of impending doom. Has anyone else experienced this or have I finally lost it?

I'm so ready for the 1 year anniversary to come and go, and I can't really explain that either. I would never wish for more time or distance away from my baby, but somehow, getting the first "everything" (birthday, Christmas, mother's day, Valentine's day etc) without him under my belt offers me some sense of - "at least that's out of the way now." A little relief somehow. Maybe it's just proof that I've survived and a promise that I'll be able to keep surviving - because I think one of the enduring questions of baby loss is "Will I really survive this?". It's a scary question. All my future years will be a little sad I'm pretty sure, but I guess I welcome the reassurance that I can live with loving him and longing for him, and year one is a milestone.
I am so sorry for your loss...
You are not crazy... or at least, you are not alone.
I am 2 years out, and I spent the month prior to the second anniversary antecipating it. Remembrering in detail everything...
For us it has become our special day for remembering and grieving again... we commemorate as best we can, because it is our way of demonstrating he has not been forgotten. We light candles on a miniature cake, but this year I was unable to sing him happy birthday, so we just stayed in silent seeing the candle burn.
We throw white roses to the sea...
And then its tthe day after, and we continue our life... with some good days and some bad.

You are not alone...
January 30, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Getting through all the firsts was difficult but the first anniversary of the death date was very difficult. I spent most of it in bed. The birthday was easier. It was the day she was born and a happy day until the bad news started. On her birthday we knew she was sick but didn't think she would die. On what would have been her one year old birthday I baked a cake that we ate for breakfast. But the death date was very different. There were no happy memories from that day.

I remember very much feeling like I wished time would go faster and slower all at once. Faster so the pain would soften. Slower so I would not be so far away from the day I held her alive, smelled her sweet smell, and held hope for a future that didn't include feeding tubes, surgeries, organ failure.

So far the seconds - the second Christmas, the second New Years have still sucked but not as bad. It was easier to handle. I am not sure if this is reassurance or not. But you are surviving. We have no choice. Our baby dies and we keep waking up each morning. I wish you peace when you can feel it through all these horrible firsts that never seem to end.
January 30, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKim
We just passed the one year anniversary of our daughters death last week. I was dreading it, and feeling very fragile leading up to it. I am also 8 months pregnant. We planted a tree for her in the morning and then drove three hours to the ocean for two nights. I hope to every year be away on that date, make it a family day, and spent it looking for beauty. it was very difficult, emotionally exhausting, and I ad to spend a good effort not reliving the trauma of that morning a year ago. Takes a lot of mind redirecting. But so has every day for the last year. Stay strong, look to the light, don't be home- talk about them, say there name, remember happy memories on that day if you can. I know its incredibly difficult. I can't believe its been a year, feels like months. Probably always will.
February 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterPol