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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Tell me I'm not crazy

I find myself looking up friends to see if they're pregnant or not. Call it curiosity or maybe nosiness, but why do I feel compelled to do it? My husband was kind enough to try and explain it as being my kindness in hoping their pregnancy goes well. I can't say I'm being that generous these days. I have no energy to care about someone else's woes when I'm dealing with losing my own son. In hindsight I might be wishing for the best for them, but then I'm left with asking myself when it will be our turn to be lucky? To have a complete family, not a list of names of children we have in heaven. Am I crazy, neurotic, hopeless? Please tell me I'm not alone. I feel anxiety some days and there is an overwhelming sense that can't be explained nor ignored. Is it time to seek a therapist or will I learn to just cope? It's been two months, just when does everything normalize? Or is this what a "new normal" feels like?
January 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJessie
I have lost my son a month today and have the weirdest inklings as well, I felt the urge to prepare a bottle yesterday... at times I find myself obsessing over pregnancies as well, usually by wanting to be pregnant so bad, not to replace my son but to give me something to look forward to and someone else to divert this strong love to. Then of course I feel bad for wanting another baby... be gentle with yourself, don't question yourself too much since these are uncharted waters...
January 15, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
Dear Jessie,

You are not crazy. What you are going through is completely normal under the circumstances. Since I lost my son almost 3 years ago, I've often found myself wondering when would it be my turn. I've had subsequent loses since, and it just gets harder each time.

I started seeing a counsellor a couple of months after my son died, and have continued to regularly see her. At first, I didn't think it was working...it was hard trying to build a relationship with a stranger while I was drowning in grief. But as time passed, I slowly started to feel the benefit and now credit her as an important part of my recovery.

As for wondering about 'normalisation/new normal', that will come with time too. As Cristiane said, you should be gentle with yourself..allow yourself to have the experiences and feelings you are having. It never really becomes normal, but you will learn how to live with this new grief. At least that's how it was for me. In fact, it still is a daily occurrence. It's just not as raw as it once was.

Whatever happens, know that you are definitely not alone.

Shannon.
January 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon