Hi
my first and only child, my beautiful daughter left us in July. I was only 16 gestational weeks. So if that hadn't have happened I would be sat here smiling with my full pregnant belly. Instead I am facing a childless future. My husband wants to be a dad, but can not face this loss again. Knowing it could happen again. He feels guilty over how little time he spent with me whilst we were pregnant, for the mean words he said due to his depression. I can tell him he didn't mean it, that pur daughter knew she loved him. That she knows it now, but I know what that guilt feels like. I feel guilty, I feel like a failure.

How have other baby loss parents coped with being childless too? With knowing that your angel is it. That there wont be children playing or tears or laughter or homework you don't understand. Or dinners that are "different" as you teach them to cook. How did you find peace?

I'm so sorry to her this, Emma. Is there a reason you think the loss could recur? Any chance your husband will change his mind? We have had to terminate twice since my son died, two little ones with the same abnormality as their older brother. (We are lucky to have had one living child right after him.) We are going to keep trying for another living child because I would rather lose more trying than give up. We are also looking into other options for getting a child(ren): adoption and fostering. If you can't stand the idea of giving up, I would encourage you to look at any and all options available.

If you are ready to be done, I hope that is the choice of both you and you can find peace with it.

Hi JM,

I am so sorry for your losses. It is Such a cruel world.

There is no reason to think this would reoccur, but then they don't know why it happened. The plan for future pregnancy would be scanned every 2weeks from 12 weeks, checking afi, infections and cervix length. I now know what to be feeling for as my experience of period pain is intense the sensations I had whilst carry Audrey where very alien to me.

I sometimes think he will change his mind. I don't feel I can talk to him right now as he is depressed and stressed with work. So I am alone grieving for our loss and the loss of a family. I am not ready to be done, I selfishly want my husband and his child. I would adopt, but its noit for him. I am aware that I may have to choose, there is no choice, it will be my husband. But I feel we are missing out. I feel that the greatest adventure we could have he's turned his back on. I don't know how to tell him that. I don't know how to find peace with the loss of our daughter and the idea that we will never parent a living child.

Thank you for responding.

Emma, I'm so sorry. Your loss is so recent, and you don't know yet how he might change and adapt, or how you might. It's a terrifying prospect right now, I know. I've known so many friends in this community who said 'never again', vehemently, after all kinds of losses. They were 100% certain they'd never, ever try again after random stillbirths, late-term miscarriages, gestational conditions, accidents, infections. Some had faced complications that could reoccur, but many didn't. Many of them had just as much chance as having an uneventful pregnancy to-term as anyone else. The fear is still there (and totally normal) no matter what the cause of loss.

Do you feel a pressure to conceive quickly again because of age? Do you feel like you're up against a wall in terms of your own fertility? Or can you just give yourself (and both of you) a time-out from actively thinking about it? Even just for a few months? Not that you can just 'stop thinking about it'. That's not what I mean. I just mean that right now, you're projecting this moment as your forever-future—I define it this way because I tend to do the same thing. But perhaps this moment is just one chapter, for you, and not the whole book. You can't know what's around a corner—especially this soon after loss, when you're both still feeling very raw and traumatized. Be gentle with yourself... with both of you.

Love to you... xo Kate

Hi Kate

Thank you for replying. Thank you for saying that his response is"normal". Everyone, bar 1, that I have met with recent losses are TTC. Only 2 of us aren't because of our husband's. I thought he was different, coping badly. But hearing your words has given me comfort that he may change his mind.

I do feel the age pressure. He just turned 39, I turn 39 in about 2 weeks. I think I found being childless before hard and maybe a big contributoir to my mild depression, but I coped as I believed I was infertile. Now though, the thought of being childless when we can concieve, it just breaks me further. I know I will, but I don't see a life without them. I know that sounds melodramatic. I can't talk to my husband about my fee!ings, as, I don't want him to feel pressured. I worry about him as he is getting over a mental breakdown, so I tend to be very careful.

Thank you for reading and helping

Love to you all xxx

Emma--I want to echo what Kate said above about post-loss fear being completely normal and taking a break for a few months to decide later. Nothing you decide for right now has to be forever.

I'm glad to hear that there's no reason this should recur; maybe that will help your husband to feel more comfortable later on (if that's what you want).

I really, really hope that you both can reach a resolution that makes you both feel ok.

Best wishes.

Hi JM,

Thank you for replying. I am working on not mentioning TTC to my husband. In fact I no longer check my temps, so that he feels no pressure. I do understand what you are saying about post loss fear. I pray that is all it is. Our due date is looming and there is part of me that wonder's if he needs that date to pass.

I hope we can too. I don't want to experience anymore loss