I lost my 1 year old daughter on November 3rd to a sudden and as of yet, unexplained cardiac event. She had just turned one October 28. She was happy, healthy, beautfiul and "perfect". And like that, poof, she's gone. It's been a whirlwind week folowing, with shock, and family and friends visiting and staying, tears, lots of booze. But we have a beautiful 4 year olf girl about to turn 5 and I, we, can't curl up into sobbimg balls of sorrow under the covers. And, to be honest, that's not who I am, I am strong. I want to fill the hole she left with what she represented: joy and happiness. Our primary reason for having a 2nd child (and I'm of 'advanced maternal age) was to give our daughter a sibling, to have someone close to her as we aged naturally. Now she's lost her sister. The first week I was torn... I'm getting rid of everything, it'll be the three of us, we'll focus on her... vs. get this IUD out NOW! quick, lets try again before it's too late; I don't want to get rid of anything just in case. So, we just agreed to 'give it a go'.. give it 6 months and see what happens. I haven't told any family or friends of that descision. I feel I'll be judged by so many, even the doctors' office staff "she's too old, she should just accept her loss and move on".... so I'm posting here, where I'm a stranger. And not be judged for being, I don't know...
weird? insensitive? selfish? not grieving enough? not mourning for long enough? trying to fast? crazy?
Thanks....

Jill- I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my son in May of this year. I was 20 weeks pregnant when we discovered he had a typically fatal diagnosis. We met with specialists, went back and forth a hundred times, and decided ultimately to deliver him early at 23 weeks and let him go as peacefully as possible. Right after I delivered, when my milk came in and I was trying to figure out what to do with regards to a funeral, cremation, etc., I longed to be pregnant again. I just wanted to get back to where I left off with my pregnancy before I found out our son was probably going to die (although this was very complicated by the extreme guilt I experienced, and still do, given my role in the ultimate outcome for him). I think wanting to fill the hole is completely natural. Within one month, I had flipped back the other way. I had decided I never wanted to have another baby. Now, six months out, I have stabilized somewhat, and decided that we will try to have another. I don't feel settled in the decision, but, similar to you, we wanted our son to have a sibling, and we wanted another child before, so my logic is that on some level, that shouldn't have changed. I think your feelings are completely normal. Grief does very weird things sometimes. Take a look around this site and you will see all kinds of extreme reactions that range from end of the spectrum to the other.

And I do believe that you can grieve and try for another baby at the same time- one does not cancel out the other.

Sending you hugs from afar.

Running out of time on a biological level certainly changes things. This just happened to your precious baby (I am so sorry. A year of parenting and knowing your child and then this seems unbearable). I wonder if it is safe to say on some level you are still in shock. One thing I would advise, if you don't mind me advising, is to not coach yourself through the aftermath, not evaluate yourself. You will never be too much of this or that, or not enough, you will just be who you are. I did a little bit of this early on, but then I realized the road after loss is LONG and not fully realized in its entirety, except in little crushing moments down the road and even then not really. Loss isn't something that happened to you once, it stays with you and reveals all you have missed and been cheated of, it plagues you with anxieties and fears not yet known for as long as I can tell. You can't take it all in now. But in the meantime, I don't think you would ever be crazy for being older, with one child remaining, and wanting to get pregnant again. Life doesn't always slow down to allow us to sit out for awhile. Your daughter needs you and you are strong. It just sucks that Mother Nature can be so cruel, and that you've been dealt this hand at all. I'm so sorry.

Jill

I am so sorry that this has happened. There are no wirds any of us can say. All we can do is tell you you are loved, you have been heard.

We lost our first pregnancy on 31st July. We are both older (39 in a few weeks). There is no "time" to heal before trying again.

Thank you...your words are a comfort... maybe it's not meant to be, but the idea of 'fate' never gelled with me... so fuck it, you're as old as you feel, and we're just gonna try for six months before throwing in the towel and embracing what we have, and we have a lot! You CAN mourn, and miss, and honour the memory of the little person, the daughter, the sister who died AND still look to the future and hope for more, for an 'again'. Thanks.

I am so sorry to hear this. This happened to my six month two weeks ago. Her heart was enlarged and a valve wasn't working properly. Doctors think it was a viral infection. Did you get any information on what happened to her?

The autopsy was the day after she died. (She collapsed suddenly at her daycare, she was awake and sitting on the floor, and was never revived despite constant cpr there and at hospital for over an hour). Initial results did not find a cause, there was no indication of asphyxiation, choking, etc. and nothing physical from tests to that point. Based on the suddenness of it they are thinking something cardiac in nature. The ME's office is expecting to have results from blood/tissue testing next week. I'm hoping to find out before the holiday. they said if there's white blood cells, it may indicate a cardiac infection, but if there is no infection, it's likely they'll list it as sids. If that's the case, I'll be chalking it up to sudden cardiac arrest. We all got EKGs yesterday, there's something called long QT interval that they think may cause unexplained death in children. If they don't see infection, then it looks like it'll be something electrical? Basically something no one could predict or prevent (well maybe, if she had a pace maker, but who tests infant for that with no known precursors or genetic indication?), or prove. For you r child w infection, they would have seen a he enlarged heart and stuff right away right?

Dear Jill,

I am so sadden to ready your story. Sometimes I wish this place was a physical place in the woods that we can all visit and give physical hugs to one another. I don't think there is a right way to do anything... if these baby losses had shown me anything is that life doesn't always have a rhyme or reason. I wish you (and me!) luck in continuing to grow your family.

Sending you virtual hugs and having you in my thoughts.

Thanks for responding. That's so scary. Well I took her a week before she passed to the doctor and she said it was just an ear infection. She never had a fever or any symptoms except she wasn't eating as much. They didn't know her heart was enlarged until she was in the hospital and they did a chest X-ray. By then it was too late. We may never know. The autopsy won't be in for a while.

Jill, I am so sorry.
there is no "proper" interval for deciding about subsequent children after a loss. It is not rational; as they say, the heart wants what it wants. When I laid on the ER table, curled around my deceased four day old daughter (undetected heart defect) I knew deep inside that I wanted another child; it felt like the only thing I wanted, (aside from the obvious), and I wanted it right away. I too am and was of advanced maternal age. I just had our second daughter this year, at age 48. Trust me, age means absolutely fucking nothing. It took me another five years. Even now as a parent, all the things I feared about having white hair and a newborn -- they all amount to such a pile of nothing. With age comes wisdom. Just be sure you make room for grief. You are still parenting the daughter you lost, and you will never stop. Strong is not a choice; there is no alternative.

Dear Jill,
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Much love and strength to you three.
When I lost my second son, it was really hard telling his older sister... But she faced it pragmatically telling us "I have to wait 9 months again!?!"
Unfortunately we had to wait for 18 months before trying again... Not by our choice! I would have tried the day after if it was even possible!

Maternal age increases risks, but increase means the risks are always there. There is always the possibility of shit happening!
At least you will know what may have been the cause, and maybe track with your next the need of a pace maker or other terapeutical strategies.

It is your choice, and if you let chance happen I think it will be good! You have now a huuuge journey of grief coming, and perhaps looking for a sure brighter future will be good!

much love
M

Thank you again! We are going to try (in a relaxed way) for the next 6 months and see how it goes. My providers just delivered for a 49 year old... so it is not out of the realm of possibility! And yes, if we find it is genetics and LQTS with the heart, then at least we'd know what to test for and look out for so it didn't happen again. Thank you for your words of encouragement!