I lost one of my twin girls in May. She died the day after she was born. I don't know how to raise one child while grieving for another. There is overwhelming guilt when I am happy, and guilt when I am sad because I cannot be truly present with the daughter I have. My heart always feels empty, like it is breaking for the first time when I wake up in the morning and remember that my child died for no reason. I didn't know that a person could literally feel their heart breaking.

I have so much anger and I don't know what to do with it. I know that medical malpractice caused my daughter's death and I don't understand how this happened to me. She was never in distress, she was perfect. They transmitted E.Coli into the birth canal and then didn't tell the NICU that her placenta had a suspected infection so she wasn't given any treatment until she started exhibiting signs of illness and it was too late. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to do anything because everything hurts but I have no choice. I have to keep going and I hate it.

I'm so glad that I found this community, but so very sad that it has to exist at all.

Jessica- I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. We lost our baby boy in May when I was 23 weeks pregnant. I am often angry too. I am often angry at myself for not knowing there was something wrong sooner. And often at other people posting all their pictures on Facebook of their perfect lives. Someone said to me a few months ago that it will get better and I could have sixty more years to live and good things will happen blah blah blah. All I could think was how tortuous that I might have to live sixty more years without my little boy.

Sending you love Jessica. May we all grow a little stronger and a little less angry everyday.

Dear Jessica,
I think you face one of the most difficult tasks of motherhood. That of being a strong loving mother to your little survivor, while hiding bravely your grief for the one lost. It is not aneasy task, you will fail miserably from time to time, but you'll do it because you have to. Because your darling still living daughter requires that of you.
You were never the mother of one, and you still be the mother of both, but the that requires your full attenttion must become your priority, because above all, she also needs you! You are her mother, and she also lost her sister... there is no need to loose her mommy too.

Despite this speach, that I give myself to pull me up! I do falldown, I fail! Because I am human!
for me it has been 22 months, and while it is less fresh, it never truly goe5s away.

I do hope you can find your own balance to grieve, rage when you need, yet keep up with caring for the most innocent of all, the survivor!