We went in for an ultrasound 10 days after our routine check up and there no longer was a heartbeat. That flatline began the worst weekend of my life and I fear I may never recover. I couldn't bare the concept of a D&E and opted to induce labor. While this option proved to be intense and traumatic, I honestly wouldn't trade my time with our baby for world. My daughter Blakely was born at almost 23 weeks, weighing 17 ounces and measuring 11 inches. I'm not sure why I'm fixated on the details but perhaps it's easier than focusing on the emotions.

It's been a mere 3 weeks and I have some good moments, maybe even good days. However, the last few have been so hard, so raw. Last night I couldn't sleep until 6AM and tonight it feels worst. Isn't it supposed to get better, not the other way around? It makes me afraid.

I try to rationalize this dip...
- My husband and I decided to put up the intended nursery decals (birch tress, two deer, and some birds) as a tribute to Blakely and while it felt cathartic, it felt sad. We just finished last night. I love the way it turned out... but was this just another cause of pain?
- I also had been pumping under my doctor's order as I had become severely engorged and fearful of infection (I have a kernel of a lump that has not gone away). However, my doctor instructed me that I now needed to ween. Has this cause a shift in my hormones?
- My husband also went back to work some time ago and had no visitors. Is this isolation impacting me?
- It feels like too much has happened and yet I feel like time is moving too fast. It's been three weeks and I only have 3 more weeks of disability. That doesn't seem like nearly enough time at all. Am I ready to go back to work? Is this deadline giving me anxiety?
- Is it everything?

What will make this better? How can I heal? I am broken.

I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Blakely. It's just not fair and the cruelest thing imaginable. We lost our daughter, Cora in May at 38.5 weeks so it has been a little over five months for us. I remember being 3 weeks and thinking how I would ever feel better, and you're right...time moves so incredibly fast in this grief. I will say that at 5 months, I still cry multiple times a day. I still question every moment. I still relive delivering my dead daughter. I still cringe when hearing about another baby being born. I still have all the same feelings as I did in May, but maybe less intense I guess. I went back to work after 12 weeks and as much as I dreaded it, it has been good in some way to at least focus on something else for portions of the day. Going back after 6 weeks though does seem so fast and I'm sorry you have to go back so soon. :(

I guess I don't have the answer on how to make it better. I'm still looking for that myself, but I do know to our last days we will be holding on to the love for our babies, and the pain will always be there. I hope that it gets easier to carry as time goes on. I just wish this never happened to any of us and that our babies could be with us instead. Big hugs to you.

Oh my goodness, 3 weeks--I'm so sorry. That time is a blur of shock and pain and anger and everything all at once. It's just so so hard. 2 years out, I don't know that I've healed, it's just easier. Do you know if there is a perinatal loss grief group in your area? I attended one run by the MISS fiundation abd it was so helpful to meet other parents who could tell me that everything I was feeling, they were feeling too and it's normal. I also saw a grief counselor who was so kind and helpful too. There it's important to make sure that it's someone who deals with this specific kind of grief...I found solace in the books that are recommended on the bookshelf here too. I really like the description of grief as the ocean and you're on the beach. At the beginning, you're on the beach and there's a hurricane and winds so
Strong they knock you down and rip currents make you think you'll be pulled out to sea and drown. Eventually, it gets to the point where there's just small waves at low tide but it takes time and of course sometimes a storm blows in but less frequently than before.

Finally, something I read here helped me: be patient gentle and kind to yourself and ask those around you to do the same. Sending you peace and love.

I am so sorry you lost your sweet Blakely. It is a loss that changes you forever and can crush your hope. It changes your whole world. I wish I could say you will be the same again, but I don't feel that's true.

I think it is positive that so early on you feel you have had some good days. I lost my full term daughter 17 days after birth to a rare disease and I didn't have a good day until about 3 months. In fact, I was in such shock I don't recall much of anything the first month including a vacation we went on, only because it was paid for and planned and we thought we should go.

As for work, I took off what my entire maternity leave would have been. Going back was extremely difficult. There are still co-workers who never said anything to me about my loss but most were very supportive. Many days I cried in the car before I went in. In those early days, just leaving the house took effort. I would cry at the grocery store when the clerk asked " how are you today"?

There wasn't one day it was better, but there was a softening. As time passed I cried less times throughout the day and then for shorter durations . There are still days I feel a tremendous sadness at 15 months out. For me, what helped was a great bereavement therapist, and a great support group ( I had to go to two to find a right fit), this website, and reading loss blogs and grief books. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You are not crazy, just bereaved. I wish that the softening could come quick for you. I wish that you didn't have to be here. I am so sorry.

I wanted to clarify that I had no visitors last week, not that I didn't have any visitors at all. We have had friends and family visit and they continue to do so... it was just a quiet period for me.

At this time, I'm loosely following the traditions of Chinese postpartum, in which I avoid leaving the house for a month (except to visit my doctor) as my body heals. I may start looking at support groups and such afterwards... but even that is daunting. One day at a time, I suppose.

I think I'll be asking to extend my leave from work... and maybe even ask my doctor to extend my disability. Has anyone had any experience with this?

Thank you NK, AB, and Kim for your kind words and sharing of experiences. It is a ugly beauty that I am able to find comfort in your understanding. I've been slowly reading posts that while cut me to the core, give me hope to gain a seed of something that will ease my pain. I am very appreciative of this Glow community.