A little background I have 3 boys 6, 4 ,3 today to be exact. I did experience 2 early miscarriages in 2015. This was after having 3 perfect pregnancies with the boys. I found out I was pregnant again dec. 31st 2015. I have dreamed, wanted a daughter since our TTC journey began over 9 years ago. When we found out we were finally getting our Madeleine I was over the moon I could not believe my dream, my wish was coming true.

August 18th 2016 I went to the Dr for my 36 week checkup. He could not find her heartbeat. This is the day our world turned upside down. She was gone. I could not believe this was happening , to her , to me , to us. I wanted to wake up from a nightmare and it all be ok.

She was born August 20 2016. She was so beautiful 6 lbs 5.2 Oz 19 inches long. My Dr said there was no cord around her neck, there wasn't any knots in her cord. He placenta looked healthy. He didn't see anything with his eyes as to why her heart stopped. They did send her placenta off and it was tested...still no answers everything with her placenta was normal. I don't have a explanation as to why I don't have Madeleine here with me. I think this has made my coping process very difficult. I want a reason, I want answers. We chose to not have autopsy because I didn't want her beautiful body cut on I wanted her home with me where she belongs and that meant cremation.
I know I'm still early in my healing process and everything is still very raw to me. These are the things that bother me the most.

-not getting to meet her soul, I only met her physical body
-not knowing the exact moment she passed, was she in pain ?
- not having a reason her heart stopped
-not having a photo with all my babies in it......I didn't let the boys meet her we felt they were way too young to deal or copen with that
-missing all these 1st...she would have been 1 month old this past saterday
-not being able to see her brothers bond with "our"baby we had been preparing them for for 9 months
-I hate I don't want to face the world, I know people feel awkward talking to me but honestly I feel more awkward talking about them
-I think about her every second of the day..like an obsession
-I honestry feel deep deep deep down there were clues along her pregnancy now looking back that I wasn't going to be bringing her home...example we are out growing our current home and she was going to be sharing a room with my youngest son and I said to my mom "I feel like she doesn't fit here in our family, like we don't have a place for her", I was nervous and anxious about having a little girl all I have experience with is boys, when I would shop for her I always felt like things were not cute enough like I had to really really like it to buy it...I didn't get any baby equipment out till that week ,the same week she passed
-I want her memory kept alive, I don't want people to forget her...that she never existed
-I hate she was born already gone...like do you say she was born and then died the same day..the dates being the same bother me
-I hate that all the things I bought for her I will never see her in, I cannot give these items away they are hers and I am not ready to do anything with them at the moment

I want to meet someone like me. Someone who had a full term , perfect baby with no reason why their baby isn't home with them.

My Dr has assured me my body didn't fail Madeleine bit I feel it did. I'm a working mommy, with 3 little boys, a husband and home I take care of. I've worked till the day I gave birth with all of them and gave birth that night. I feel like it is my fault I didn't keep her safe.. that was my job and I didn't , couldn't complete that task.
I asked my Dr if he thought it was my body saying no more babies. He said no. He said there isn't anything wrong with my body it's something that just happened. He said if we were to get pregnant again I would have close monitoring to try to prevent this but I am so afraid to go through this again yet I want to be pregnant at the same time. How did you get through your pregnancy with constant worry every day? I don't want Madeleine replaced but I honestly in my heart feel having my arms filled with the baby I have wanted for over 2 years would help me cope with her loss.
I have searched the Internet so much that there aren't many buttons I can ever click on any more. Searching for someone just like me.

Kelley,

My story is different to you. I lost Audrey at 16 weeks, 7 weeks ago. Audrey is my first child, after 20 years with my husband not exactly trying, but not taking precsutions either.


I am so sorry Maddeline was taken from you. I am sorry that you never got to meet her soul. That those precious firsts will never happen. That your boys wont get to bobd with thrir baby sister. I feel all (but the sibilings bonding) so acutely, they stop me in my tracks.

I too feel like my body failed. I have no answers as to why we lost Audrey. I feel like I am a failure. That I had one simple job, look after Audrey. Provide a warm safe environment for her to grow safely in. I am desperate for people to not forget her. To remember that y husband and I are parents, just Audrey is in heaven. I hate that I will never get to cudfle her, wipe her tears away, hear her laugh.

I too desperatly want to be pregnant again. To have hope agsin. I never want to replace Audrey, I just want a child to hold. To talk to

I sometimes think it would be easier to cope had I not had the boys. It's so hard to explain cremation to a 6, 4 , 3 year old. Like my 4 year old asked"how do her arms fit in there, where is her head, is her blook in there" they have no filater and they are curious just like adults except a child isn't afraid to say or ask anything. My boys had been looking forward to this baby fighting and argueing who was going to bathe her , sing to her, hold her, give her her paci... it's affected my children and that is a blow to my all ready damaged heart. They have even asked " can we have another baby, hope this one doesn't die", they love their baby sister...they see pictures of her and they love her...her first and only outfit said " best little sister" it was pink, with flower pants, white with pink ruffle socks, a pink hat and pink mittens.... I miss her so much, it's so hard. May I ask why you delivered so early ? I have no reason as to why Madeleine isn't here.

Kelley, I'm sorry for your loss. Much of what you said is familiar to me as they are feelings my wife had after our boys were born at 24 weeks. 4 years later, despite the Drs. Statements, she still believes she somehow failed. In our case, it was also just something that happened. A placental abruption with out a determinable cause. I've come to accept, through this experience, that nature is unpredictable and we are lulled into expecting order when, in actuality, nature is out of our control. My wife somewhat subscribes to that, while still feeling guilty for cleaning the bathtub too rigorously a few days before her bleeding began. I wouldnt say that's how you should feel, it's just been helpful for me to look at the world like that.

As for your children, have you looked into any children's books about loss/grief? There are some incredible books out there. A few off the top of my head are Cry Heart, but Never Break, Love is Forever, My Father's Arms are a Boat, and The Heart and the Bottle. None of these specifically deal with loss of a sibling or baby and I encourage you to research whether they are something you feel appropriate for your own children. They do explore loss and the grief and sadness that children can feel.

Kelley,
So sorry Madeleine died. Our second son (we have three), Bobby, died two years ago and we think of him every day and though coping with the grief seems somewhat easier than when he first died, this feeling of profound loss will never leave me. This loss has become part of who I am just like my love for him is part of who I am. I see pictures of myself before he was born and I think I do not know that woman. She is incredibly naive. She doesn't know suffering the way I do, that horrible things can happen to anyone anytime.
Anyway, my loss was like yours in the sense that there was no known cause and he was full term and looked beautiful. He was not stillborn but had a traumatic brain injury which lead to his death three days later. The doctor suspected cord accident and said there was nothing I could of done to prevent it. I still feel guilt even though I did the best I could. I feel like I accidentally killed him and I go over in my head, did it happen when I was swimming or when I went to the chiropractor or what. Even if his death is due to something I did, of course I would give anything to have this not to have happened so I must work at forgiving myself. I try to do this and to be more forgiving of others. My heart goes out to you and your family.

It's incredibly heartbreaking reading all of your testimonials and the burden of guilt that comes with carrying and feeling responsible for protecting our much loved lost babies. I lost my daughter at 24 weeks, she was born alive and healthy (despite being incredibly tiny and premature) and stayed with us for 23 precious hours. We don't know why my water's broke prematurely a week earlier, there were no signs or symptoms. I followed every rule in the book, took good care of myself and was considered a very low-risk pregnancy until that fateful day when all of a sudden I was in constant fear of losing our baby girl. I too blamed my body, and questioned what I did or didn't do that led to losing our daughter..

It's taken 8 months for me to accept precisely what Michael so eloquently explained, we can't control nature. Although we are fooled to believe that pregnancy is effortless and our body "will do what it's supposed to do", this is a myth. We aren't machines, we can't control our settings, and sometimes our bodies behave in ways that can't be explained. I too wanted answers, I still do, but I've also come to terms with the fact that I most likely will never know how or why things went so terribly wrong. It's not right, and it's unfair. None of us should be here, no one should experience this pain.

It's also completely normal to feel responsible, isn't this what all parents do? We want to feel accountable, we want to protect our children and sadly when we can't, we blame ourselves.