8 years ago today, I was getting married. 4 years ago today my twin sons were born and one of them died. 3 days later, so would his brother.

One of the most painful parts of the entire experience for me is how little I get to tell my story, about what my kids. Its a story normal people don't want to hear. I suppose I'm ok with that sort of distance. I don't feel much in common with normal people since we lost our sons anyway. Its me that suffered some forced divergence from that normal path.

I've made my first blog post ( http://ourtinyfighters.org/2012/09/20/anniversaire/ ) recounting the events of September 20, 2012 as best as I can remember them. My writing is out of practice, but it was much more about attempting to remember for me. I've posted here before, coming up on the 4th anniversary has troubled me with how little I remember. Its not something I feel comfortable with and so, my reading and participating here and engaging with all of your stories is a way to connect me to my sons, much the same function my blog will serve. There isn't much there now as I wanted to wait until the 4th anniversary to get started. I'd imagine others here are in the same situation as myself and don't have people to tell their story. I've always wanted people to want to know everything. Its entirely I just wanted to see other people cry over them, my wife and I, I believe, are the only two who I know have ever shed a tear for them.

Sorry boys, I still wish you were here with me. That, like the sadness, never seems to dissipate. Thanks to anyone who gives our story from that day a read.

Dear Michael, thank you for sharing. I relate so much tow hat you've written. I don't get to tell her story often enough and that is sad. I tell a story about my living son a daily basis and people listen, laugh cheer us on but when I respond to the dreaded "is he your only child?" and share a glimpse of my daughter Zia who was stillborn in 2013, you can actually see them close up and zone out. I am sorry for you and D's loss of August and Sebastian. A peaceful anniversary to you both, as much as one can have.

Hi Michael

Thank you so much for sharing the story of your precious sons. Having also experienced a loss, I can say genuinely that I want to know their story. I am truly interested and honoured to know of them and your time with them, because they existed, they were (are) real people and they matter.
Just this morning I was thinking to myself how much I want to talk about my baby. Just because he isn't here in physical life doesn't mean that I'm not full of love and pride in the beautiful child my husband and I created together. I love to talk about him, and I love to hear about the babies and children that others have lost. Thank you again for sharing.

Hi Michael

Thank you for sharing. It is an hour to read and share our stories. For our stories are as important as those stories of living children. I wish you a peaceful anniversary

Micheal: I was only just now able to read your blog post (was at work earlier in the day), and I'm heartbroken for you and D, and your tiny little sons. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that. So sorry. I'm so sad for Augustus and Sebastian, your tiny fighters. My love is with you.

Thank you all for the kind responses. We spent the day at the beach, despite the rain. Surprisingly, the anniversary seems the easiest day of the year for me. Its a time I feel closest to them.

@Jo-Anne I know that glazed over, searching for an escape look well. I do have very understanding coworkers who never steer me away from discussing the boys. Still. I moderate myself a good deal. There are details that no one wants to hear, but they remain an important part of the experience for me. The question I struggle with most is 'how many kids do you have?' Answering 1 is difficult, but accurate. Worse, the question often arises during small talk, something I already lacked adequate social skills for. There are accepted social graces that exist for a reason, I respect relative strangers do not deserve to be placed in a very uncomfortable situation that could be completely avoided without lying. Sometimes though, I say to hell with social graces and let them have it. At worst, I'm the lonely guy people avoid making small talk with (is that such a negative) because he brings up his dead children.

I'm hoping to complete a second post detailing August's days in the NICU and subsequent death by the 23rd. I'll update with a response in this thread in case anyone cares to read the continuation.

Michael

I have read through your post. Whilst our experience was very different there are so many similarities. It reminded me of 7 weeks ago.

Thank you again for sharing

I do care to read it, and look forward to continuing to know some of the story of your sons, whenever you get the chance. Thank you so much for sharing. Also, you and D chose such incredibly beautiful names for your tiny fighters.

Also also, you have as many kids as you have. Augustus and Sebastian both count too. It doesn't mean you have to answer that way to people when they ask, if you don't wish to share or get into it... but they are your sons, regardless of when they were born, or for how long they lived (or didn't). I'm so sorry that the arbitrary bureaucratic, administrative stuff of the state/province/territory/etc denied your Sebastian personhood by declaring him a stillbirth. It is cold, unfeeling and dishonouring of his existence. He was (is) a person, and his too early birth into this world absolutely doesn't change that. I hope you find some comfort in the fact of their existence, and that they came to you at all, even if they couldn't stay.