Thought I would check in and see how everyone is doing? It's been almost 3 months since Madeline died. I'm managing very well on the outside. But when I stop and think about Maddie and what really happened it's like it just happened that very moment and I'm filled with disbelief that this happened to me. To us.

Friends and family have moved on. No one brings it up or asks how I'm really doing. My husband doesn't talk about it. I know I'm not alone in this experience but I feel like I am.

How has everyone else been coping lately?

Hi Katrina,

I am sorry for your loss of Maddie.

I know exactly what you mean. I appear like all is ok on the outside, most days. Then I have a string of days where I can't stop crying. But when I'm on my own, with my own thoughts all I do is think about Audrey and how we lost her. What was it that I didn't do. I talk to Audrey a lot, in a very different way to how I was talking to her and that makes me sad.

As its 7 weeks today, people haven't yet forgotten. Though they don't bring it up. That saddens me too. I don't know if people realise that our children are always a part of us. Maddie will always be with you.

I agree this is the lonliest place,

Sending you a big hug and much love

Hi Katrina and Emma,

Thanks for getting this conversation going. I was just thinking about how I wished for a new thread to appear on here. It can get so lonely going through the days being the only person I know in real life who has to face this, so I'm thankful for an online community. I'm about 3.5 months out. I understand a lot of what you wrote, Katrina. I can function on the outside better now than at first - like WAY better now - but life is weird in how I go between feeling almost used to my new normal and then feeling like nothing is normal at all and nothing is how it should be. Sometimes life feels exactly like it did before I lost my girl, and sometimes I cannot see past the fact that NOTHING looks like it should right now.

I'm still in disbelief, too. That's a feeling that I continue to have every day. I never ever in my wildest dreams envisioned this outcome to my flawless pregnancy. I replay the final week or so of the pregnancy over and over and over.

In my case, friends and family are still checking in and asking how I'm doing and are still talking about my daughter. I will say, the pace has slowed, and there are some people who seem less eager to talk about the hard stuff than they were before. Like they are really ready for me to say something positive, and then that's when they'll respond more. But overall I do not feel like my entire support network has moved on. Many are still checking in with me. That's not to say I don't feel very alone in this. I do. I feel so incredibly alone in this. I know that the people who support me only have to step into my sad world for snatches of time and then get to return to their own lives and leave me to deal with mine forever.

My husband doesn't really talk about it either. If I want to, he will. But he doesn't bring it up. Maybe he doesn't need to b/c I always do anyway. But I do wish he would need the talk therapy at all, ever, because it can add to my feelings of loneliness when I feel like I'm sort of begging for him to discuss it with me again.

My biggest troubles lately have been the feelings of unhopefulness (when will I ever have another chance at a live child? will I?) and immense jealousy of how many tons of close friends brought their live babies home from the hospital this summer. I think about any of them and immediately feel so sorry for myself - for the fact that I had the total opposite experience, and for the fact that I can no longer relate to the joy that they all get to know now.

NM

Disbelief that is it. I still have moments when I "forget" what we have lost. I feel the same, life is the same but then it isn't. I don't want it to be the same. I want life to be different to acknolwedge Audrey.

I too reply the final week. Should I have done this, was that my warning it kills me to think I failed to notice something. That I failed to do one simple job, look after our unborn child.

My husband doesn't talk either. He will ask if Audrey is whats on my mind. He hasn't even told some friends, he says because he doesn't want to talk about it, I worry it's because he is ashamed.

Yes unhopefulness is a big issue. I echo the will I ever have a child breathing, screaming, laughing, crying. Will I ever see/ hear my husband read bedtime stories. Will we always be childless. I feel our age massively as well (nearly 39).

All of our friends gave children and I too look with envy. I feel guilty for feeling envious. But I can't help it.

The envy... I know. For me it is like raging, blood-boiling, insatiable jealousy. It feels unfair because I tried longer and wanted a child more than anyone I know. I put in all the work and still ended up empty-handed, in a sea of others who make it look easy. I had no examples of tragedy striking like this until it happened to me... it's very hard to cope with something that you never even fathomed could happen at all. I never mentally ran through this scenario before I was confronted with it. It completely sucker-punched me. I think about what should be - a simple glance at the nursery does the trick - and I feel heartsick. Sometimes I get literally sick to my stomach. Meanwhile, my friends? They're having milestones and memories every single day, loving motherhood, feeling glad they aren't me, taking pictures constantly, talking to each other about their kids but not with me (not that I want them to right now anyway), and posting their adorable pictures onto social media to the response of dozens upon dozens of "likes" and comments. There's not much to "like" about our unexpected turn of events, huh? And to think it happened at the time when we expected life's best moment to happen... screw you, universe! What a horrible hand to be dealt. I'm sorry any of us needs to be here. :*(

You put it all so eloquently. Its all the crap. We spent 20 years assuming we couldn't have children. No birth control. Then bam we fell. I was extactic. I had spent so long pretending I was ok not being a mum. To watch others fall pregnant as you say with ease. To sail through with no problems. What the f did we do so wrong. Why am I so unlovable ( how I am feeling today).

I have not been on social media since loosing Audrey. I am glad as I couldn't bare to see my friends showing their family pictures now my family is back to 2 alive parents. I spend my alone time in my head wondering if we will ever be parents. Then I enviously think, its ok for my husband, he can have children for another 20 years. I have 7 at the very very most. I breaks me. How do I go back to the its ok we can't have children, but longing for them person? I can't. Now I am the yes I have a littke girl in heaven and I never got to hear her breath of see her smile.

I am so broken. Im not angry just broken

Like many of you I feel soooo alone in this journey. When I am struck with heavy grief and hopelessness, I come back to Glow to try to find some ease or peace. Sometimes, I refresh my browser hoping to see some new posts from time to time.

I recently posted on social media, informing everyone about the passing of my baby, since I wanted to stop receiving "how are you and baby doing?" texts. It has been 3 months since his passing and many had not known yet. I had feelings of immense anxiety and dread doing so - I was so heartbroken to have to announce the news in such a way, but my husband suggested doing so will help me move forward and receive support from friends. I was not ready to open up, but then again, I dont think I ever will. I don't feel any better after posting either. I have not opened FB since that announcement. I am just too overwhelmed right now, especially with everyone posting happy pictures of their families, pregnant bellies and so on.

Do you all feel great support from everyone? I havent reached out to anyone, so maybe that plays a part in my loneliness.

I really hate that everyone else around me is moving on. We recently had to attend my baby nephews 2 year bday and it was extremely hard for me. Part of me feels furious - how can anyone of our family be celebrating at a time like this? My nephew will be able to celebrate and grow up, while I feel like my baby will never get the chance. I feel like everyone else will slowly forget about him in time. Life is so unfair. I can't find any reasons to be positive of look forward at the moment.

I want a family so badly - but am not even sure if or when it will happen. In the meantime, time is my enemy. I just have to continue to wait.... and continue to go to numerous doctor appointments.

I just feel so exhausted, in every way. How do you all cope?

M - I feel ya on every word. I, too, have obsessively refreshed the Glow boards hoping for some more conversation. As helpful as this community is (and I do really like it), even that is not enough and I wish there were a lot more conversations on here. I can feel lonely even when immersing myself in this community.

I feel overwhelmed and exhausted too. To think about the effort and the luck that it will take to get back to right where I just was... it is so painful and frustrating. Happy family photos kill me, too. I am not happy for those people.

As far as support, I have trouble reaching out to people, too. I feel very lonely and pitiful when I do that, and I have a genuine belief that no one I would reach out to would understand well enough. So I end up doing a lot of internal processing and journaling, and I have just one or two people I really open up about everything with (like in the sense that I am willing to do the reaching out). For anyone else, simply telling me "let me know if you need anything" is not enough and is not comforting. I don't want to beg. And I sometimes don't reach out to ppl b/c I know they won't understand anyway. They can't. They haven't been through this, and speaking as someone who didn't know this loss and now does - I NEVER could have imagined how bad it really is. I think one of the troubles with support is that even when people want to be supportive, there's very little that helps me right now. I'm very much in the thick of a grief journey that only I alone can do much about. I don't have friends who can relate to this. Even if they try, I am aware 100% of the time that they get to return to their happy, baby-filled lives after they talk to me. And I don't even know what to say anymore. How should I respond when I am asked how I am doing? I want to say that it is still a living hell a lot of the time, but I know people are going to get sick of that eventually. But to say anything else would be untrue, too. I feel like people are about to pee themselves with excitement when I say that I've found a counselor I like. I feel like people are thinking, "OMG good. She needs it. Maybe she will get better now." As though an hour a week with a professional is going to take much off of this grief, even if it helps me process some of it.

I understand about feeling weirdly when other little ones in the family are celebrated. Even though my family fully acknowledges me and my loss still, it is hard for me to lend my unbridled enthusiasm to other little ones, even though I love them so much. But their joy (and that of their parents) is a continued reminder to me of what I cannot, but should, have.

For coping, I'm not an expert on that yet. I do a lot of thinking, just in my own head. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who knows how I feel, and like I wear out other people with my nonstop thoughts about all of this. So there's a lot of coping I do on my own. I write a lot. I think a lot. I talk a lot, sometimes even out loud just to myself, sometimes to a close person or two who will listen. I have started taking a lot of hot baths lately. I don't know why, but I crave doing that now. I read a lot - at first mostly grief books, but now I've finally branched out a little and read other things for pleasure. I like going to movies at the theater, popcorn and all, even if it's just me. I read a lot of other people's stories online and have a few other mothers I've met in similar situations, and I really like connecting with them since they do understand. Otherwise, I don't really know how to cope either. I feel overwhelmed by it all, and I feel like it's sort of me against the world right now - my solo journey that no one else really understands, even my husband.

I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one constantly checking the board and refreshing. I talk about what happened every chance I get and cry. Somehow that release is helpful.

As for the "how are you question," I still feel awkward answering. Because, HELLO! I'm not doing well but it looks like I am. Although I'm happy when asked and offended when not. That's one of the harsh realities of life. People move on. They just do. As did I when I heard of someone's tragedy. Although of course in my eyes no ones tragedy was as bad as mine. Then I read and read of these horrible stories torturing myself. So that for a very brief moment I'm glad that wasn't me or that my baby didn't suffer that way. But regardless each situation we're facing is the worst because it happened to us. I'm just completely and utterly sad. And I was seriously such a happy positive person.

I'm also getting annoyed with the "everything happens for a reason and it was meant to be " logic. I apologize if anyone believes in that. I just don't think that can be applied here. Although there are several scenarios where it can be. But loss of an innocent life when there is no explanation or could have possibly been prevented cannot be spun into positive reasoning. I think I could live life a little easier if I did believe in meant to be's but I guess I'd rather accept that sometimes shit just happens. Bad luck. And I guess technically speaking there is a reason for everything. Madeline died due to a virus. That's the reason. Decisions are made everyday that cause a ripple effect. There will always be outcomes. Some good and some bad. If only I chose a different hospital maybe she wouldn't have caught the virus. Or had I taken her into the ER when I felt like something was wrong. Had I questioned the doctor who discharged us from the NICU. All these what ifs. All these decisions made that cost Maddie her life. I'll never stop wondering.

Hi Katrina, I am sorry for your loss of Maddie. I am alright? I suppose I must be and thank you for asking. It's been years since my own daughter Zia died, three years, two months and 4 days to be precise.

I too hate the everything happens for a reason.
I now hate a lot of things. I have very little patience for stuff either.

I wrote a massive reply and my internet failed snd lost it. It just typifies how I feel about life. Very little goes right

Hi all,

I can relate to so much of what you have written in these posts, the jealousy, the anger, the sadness, feelings of disbelief. And NM, friends had a similar reaction when I said I was going to see a counselor. I think they want to feel like there is some movement, and therapy seems like an 'appropriate' step. But it's hard. It doesn't seem to be helping much, but maybe I just haven't found the right fit. I go through moments where I feel like I can survive this, and then others where I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside, and it is hard to imagine ever feeling differently. I really want to have another living baby, and I fear that I will not, and it's hard, month after month, to have to continue to face people, to feel raw and exposed, judged and vulnerable.

I can't really tell how 'functional' I am. I can make myself get up in the morning, cook, eat meals, take walks, go to yoga, meet up with some people in small doses. But I am in a bit of a weird job situation. I work at a university, and was off for the fall semester for maternity leave, so they could not put me back on the schedule. So I don't have to teach. I am able to go in for meetings with students but I feel completely incapable of making myself work from home (this would be writing and doing interviews), so in that sense, I don't feel very functional. I think it's a bit of a negative cycle. I am working on it--trying to meet up with people to do work at the same time, so that I at least have to honor a commitment. But it's hard to motivate when I think about how I should be taking care of a four month old instead. I suppose with time, I am replaying the last days in my head less now, and don't think of the 'should haves' quite as much, and instead just feel angry and defeated, so I am not sure that that is a much better place.

Lonely, though. It definitely is. Thinking of you all.