On the eve of the day my daughter was born and died 4 years ago.

Such a long time and seems like only yesterday. I know I'll be so distracted in work tomorrow - half of me will not want to talk to anyone, and the rest of me will want to tell everyone. Let them know how sad I am, how much she meant to me, to us. That she mattered...!

I live in Hong Kong and went out at the weekend and bought some paper offering presents that we'll burn and "send" to her tomorrow evening. I'm not Chinese and don't really know the "correct" way these things are done. But I figure it doesn't matter. These paper creations and the saddest, sweetest things you'll ever buy, but I'm so grateful to have that as an option to honour her impact on our lives, mark her passing and give thanks for the time she spent with us, no matter how short. And in some small way, send her all the love that we'd so like to give her in person if only we could.

I was able to get some dim sum (who doesn't love a bit of dim sum on their birthday?), some toys, a pair of crocs (ok not my first choice, but there's some limitations on what available in the world of paper offerings!), some clothes, some money and other pretty bits of paper and candles and incense. Getting these was incredibly hard. How I wish it could be the real thing. But at the same time, I was happy to be given the opportunity to show my love somehow.
This year, I'm hoping my son, who's a year and a half, can join in and for it to become a family tradition of sorts.

And, as always, I come back to Glow. I note the other babylost mamas whose names I recognise from years ago when I lived on here, who like me have come back for such occasions. And I see the mums whose stories I don't know. Their loss or losses too recent. Their pain is still so sharp. I don't know how I got through it. One step after another. Day after day. Finally I'm here. But she isn't. And that longing will never leave me.
xxx

Sending you love to you and your family on your angels 4th birthday.
she matters and I'm sure people will listen to you talk about her, if thats what you want to do.

Love
emma

What a beautiful way to commemorate your baby girl, and how touching that her brother will be part of it. We all know how important it is to keep our lost babies' memory alive and I really like the idea of creating a family tradition to mark their birthday. Beautiful, thank you for sharing. Thinking of you and your much loved daughter xox

Lozza, wishing you peace on this difficult day. I think it is beautiful that you can commemorate your daughter's life with the customs of another culture, as you are transplanted from your own. I have been rattling around Glow about as long as you, and I remember your name from the threads back in the day when our pain was fresh. You're right, I don't know how we survived it. Thinking of you and your lovely girl today, on the other side of the world.

Sending love to you and your family on this very special birthday.