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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > What's on your mind today?

Just wanted to give us a thread to chat / vent / spill our thoughts and feelings for the day. Every day is hard to navigate in the baby loss world, so... What's on your mind today?

For me it's the return to my job, even though I should still be on maternity leave right now, and even though I never intended to return to my job in a full-time role. But here I am, back on the clock full-time, weeks before I should be back at all. Why? Because my baby died at full-term, so I don't have her to take care of during my maternity leave. What a slap in the face. No one knows what to say to me. I am guessing people are going to be awkward and that some will try to avoid me. I don't like doing the same things I used to (i.e., social events that I used to love scare me now). I am feeling and acting like a new employee, scared of everything and learning everything all over again, even though I have worked there for years and used to be so comfortable and natural in my role. A handful of co-workers have had their live babies just in the time since I've been out after mine died. My attention span for my actual work is almost nothing right now. I have trouble focusing and caring and feel like my previously impressive reputation, although I know people understand the circumstances now, is about to take a big hit. I have very little to show for my time back on the clock.

Does life ever get easier? Goodness gracious. Loss on top of loss.
September 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNM
Hi NM,

Your reputation will not be tarnished. We change as you have said. This change means people will avoid us, but it also means that we have different things that are important.

I went back to work last week. Whilst I never got to term with Audrey, I can say that people you thought were close at work have ignored me. But I have had some people who I only ever said good morning to have been super kind and caring.

I have found that all I do between tasks is cry. But I hope it will improve. I have no patience or time for peoples issues. I'm not saying they are less important but do I really care that their cat didn't come home!!!!!

I hope it will get easier. I am sorry I have nothing to help, no words of wisdom. Like all of us it's one moment at a time
September 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmma
Hi NM,

Like you I am dreading going back to work. I'll be sad if people don't bring it up and acknowledge Maddie. And I'll be an emotional wreck if someone does because I'll be telling my story again. What's worse is that I have to be around hospitals all day long. I'll even have to go back to the hospital where she died and also where she was born. I'm horrified of what's to come.

It's 2 in the afternoon. And all I keep thinking is that I wish I was washing bottles and washing baby laundry. But really I wish I had my sweet girl on my chest as she slept. I just can't shake the fact that I was so close to having that be my reality. I just hate this.
September 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKatrina
Hi NM
It will be tough because people will not understand. And because it never happened to them, they will not know how you feel, and what to say to you. They won't know whether to bring it up to talk about it, or if it's better avoiding the topic. You won't feel desire to have small talk, or socialize with Anyone who hasn't been through such tragedy.. That's how I feel. But the very thing that comforts me is Glow-knowing I'm not alone in this world, that there are people out there that understands. everyone is so supportive here, but unfortunately, we are all suffering together.

Today my thoughts are: how Everyday is so hard - I wake up every morning dreading it. Another day. Another day without my baby (I also lost him at full term after labor) and suffering through the loss. I've already recovered from emergency c section, but now I have vertigo. Dealing with emotions during this time is already tough, but now vertigo as well. And today, I just started getting sharp cramps in my lower ab. How much can someone handle? I'm just feeling so tired, depressed, and defeated. I feel like the universe is punishing me.

I really hope things get better, and not worse. Right now, it's hard to have something to look forward to.
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterM
Katrina,

Working in hospitals is not easy. I have not lost in the same way as you or NM, but I have found where possible avoiding the imaging departments and womens and childrens has helped. I have viewed the other area's like shopping, just keep my eyes down. I like NM said don't want to socialise with people. Sadly in my wider team 1 person has experienced baby loss and we are emailing. That has made me feel less isolated and alien like.

NM,
I never want to wake up anymore. Those few moments when I have "forgotten" are blissl. Then it come back and I crumble. I have no found work helps.
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmma
NM I am so sorry you are feeling like the universe is punishing you. I wish I had something that could make it less horridable
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmma
Hi everyone - thank you all for chiming in. It's been really helpful for my attempt at healing to know that I am not alone even when it feels like I am.

Today I woke up feeling stunned again and got literally sick to my stomach. This happens a lot. It's not that I have forgotten and then wake up and remember it all of a sudden. It's more that I wake up distressed that it is still true at all, and I still feel shocked that it happened.

M - I would love to hear more of your story. When did your loss occur? I understand the feeling of dread each day and the sentiment that the universe is punishing you. I feel exactly that way very often - it's hard not to, when you (and I) put in all the work for a live baby like everyone else did, and everyone else gets the reward but we are forced to leave empty-handed. Like the universe says to us, "Wait, you thought you were going to leave here with your child? Ha ha ha! Everyone else can, but not you! Ha ha ha!" It's terrible, especially watching so many other people live out my dream (and what I was SO close to having) right in front of me. I also agree with feeling "defeated" and not having something to look forward to. And I am so sorry about your vertigo. That's completely unfair, and you shouldn't have to suffer physically on top of everything else. I am mad to know that Mother Nature can be so cruel right now. I hope you will physically heal soon.
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNM
NM

To summarize my story-
It happened late June, few months ago. I was having contractions and ready to go into labor at full term. Everything was fine, or so I thought. Went into the triage... At 3-4 cm dilated. Everything was so sudden and unexpected but I had a concealed placental abruption. My baby was losing oxygen and blood. His heart beat became erratic. As soon as they found out this was happening they rushed me into the er for a c section. Both our lives were in danger from losing blood. I was so shocked and devastated waking up to hear that he did not make it. That was the saddest day of my life. I really can't imagine ever being happy again.

Can I hear what happened with your story?
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterM
M - Well, my heart is completely broken for you, and with you. I am so sorry, and I do understand. Our stories have some similarities. I too was full-term (actually past my due date), started having contractions at home, went to the hospital in labor, was about 3 cm and 90% effaced in triage - and no heartbeat was found. My baby had been moving (although maybe not a lot) the day before. There is only a 2.5-hour window where the death must have happened during my sleep. Turns out her umbilical cord was around her neck and over a shoulder, which wouldn't have to be fatal except that in my case it was really tight so it seemed there was compression. I know you really understand the what ifs, since your story also happened at the last minute. I wonder all the time about if there were signs or symptoms, or what if I had just been induced earlier, etc. It's awful to know that our babies were just fine and could have come out into the world weeks earlier and been fine. I didn't know and never thought that she would become so endangered just by staying in my body until labor happened on its own. My story also just happened in June.
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNM
Hi ladies,

Quick one. I am further along in this journey than you -- 20 months since our daughter Maia passed away at full term because of a concealed placental abruption.

I am in the UK and a charity that has helped me a lot, called SANDS, has some good leaflets for both parents returning to work after loss and for employers. These can be found here:

https://www.uk-sands.org/support/practical-information/returning-to-work

I asked the admin support to forward a carefully written email to my team before I went back to work (based on leaflets) and that helped me avoid awkwardness. I took a picture of Maia for my desk and told people to feel free to come see it if they so wished and explained I appreciate hearing her name / people acknowledging her existence. In terms of my manager, it helped manage expectations on what I could deliver now versus what I used to do.

Hope this helps.

Sending love
Gaby
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
I was just about to post about my fears on returning to work when I decided to read this thread first, and I am glad I did. NM - I am so sorry for your loss, so sorry for everyones loss. This place definately offers comfort where I can read other stories, their fears and triumphs and relate hand in hand

I delviered my still baby girl 16 weeks ago tuesday. Like you I was fullterm. Had no heart beat at my last OB appointment. All those things you talked about are my fears of going back to work, what I am thinking about today. I am anxious about what my co-workes will be like, I work in the hospital that my baby was born at, I have been in a couple times to meet with my manager and a social worker. I had large amounts of anxiety going back to my unit of work. Though my co-workers have been so supportive and have shown such amazing warmth to myself and my husband I think that it is bullshit that we have to return to work. though I cant believe that 16 weeks has gone by. I should not be returning to work. I would give anything to be up all night, hadnt showered for days, not eaten and tired. Would love that. But instead I am going back to work.

The only reason I am happy to go back is that I hope to be pregnant once again soon and therefore need to get my hours in before another matrenity leave. Its the only reason I am going to be the smallest amount sane. hopefully soon we will be and that will allow me to have hope at the end of the tunnel of each long day of work. Alll I can think about today, is the wait wait for work to start monday, wait foir a missed period. Living each day one at a time at this moment. Just playing the waiting game.
September 8, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517