(living child mentioned)

It's been a while.....I always end up back here....

5 years today. It sucks. I mean, they all suck. Who am I kidding. But we had kind of fallen into groove with Spirit Family Reunion wishing her a happy birthday at their 2014 concert on her birthday. Then last year I was a post-partum train wreck, had just quit the awesome job with the terrible employer and moved. It was just a disaster.

This year, I got some texts and e-mails...only my dad bothered to call me. My sister-in-law was sent, by a co-worker, a red orchid today for Mira!....and I got one lonely card saying that a mass will be said for her in December! Don't get me wrong, I don't need stuff, I just want people to remember.

I think it's hard being in a new town. I don't have the same number of townie friends to remember and give me a hug.

And there is now this bright vibrant being who is growing up without her big sister. I started bawling last night while I was making dinner. I will never have to cook Mira's favorite birthday dinner. Baby Girl had never, in recent history, seen me cry. Her face scrunched up and she looked at me like, "should I cry too mama?" And today she was starring at the sad page of her DUCK AND GOOSE book. It just breaks my heart, not that she is exposed to grief, but that she will never meet her sister.

Then there is the minor detail that it's been FIVE years. Five. 555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555..........I should be in the nostalgia for when she was a baby stage...

ALL of my sisters just had their first babies, they got to keep theirs. I want mine.

11:32pm.....it was supposed to be the best moment of my life...

Sending a big hug to you and thinking of Mira with you today.

Do you want to tell us newer people to Glow something about your girl?

We're 20 months into our journey and I still try have to remind some of my family members that we miss Maia. It's such a comfort when people remember her and mention her name.

You're not alone.
Sending love
G

Ko,

I am sending you love. We are only 4 weeks into our loss. But you mentioning Mira's baby sister has given me a little hope today.

Remembering is very important. Gaby you are absolutly right having our babies names mentioned is massively important.

Love to you both

Emma

Oh, KO, it's been a while since I've been on Glow too. Thinking of Mira today, and you, and your daughter who will never get to know her sister. 5 years, wow. Kindergarten, activities, all the things she should be doing.

You're farther out than I am (2 years to your 5), but I hear every word you are saying. You're right - they do suck. I was also in a postpartum haze last year (our timelines were pretty similar if I remember right), and while this year my husband and I had a 'nice' day together remembering Isobel, even that *itself* is so excruciatingly awful: we didn't want a 'nice' day without her. It should have been joyous chaos, making our 2-year old her favourite meal, birthday cake, tantrums, birthday meltdowns, who cares - anything with her.

I want mine, too.

(There is an amazing recent English libretto for Orpheus and Eurydice - the lyrics are so beautiful and sparse - and at one point Orpheus pleads with Hades, simply, "Bring me my own back". Exactly).

Hey Gaby. My husband has low sperm count. We started trying to have kids when I was 26 -2007. It took 3.5 years to get to Mira. Mira was born a few days before her due date. It was a homebirth/hospital birth disaster. Neither party trusted the other and both parties made significant mistakes. They should have done a c-section when I got to the hospital, but they didn't. 7 hours later they were shocked when she came out blue. She was perfect 7 pounds 3 ounces. Died of GBS. She was born at 11:32 pm Aug 31 2011 and they were able to resuscitate her to the point of a low pulse. They didn't declare her dead until after midnight. So they say she died Sept 1. Her name comes from "miracle". My grandmother died right before Mira was conceived, so we said that my grandmother must have somehow pulled some strings to make her finally happen. We didn't know she was a girl, but I knew she was going to have dark curly hair and blue eyes. She did have hair and it was dark, but the rest I'll never know.
- 20 months it's all still so fresh and new...I'm sorry. Sweet Maia. I hope you get to hear her name as often as you need to hear it.

Emma - 4 weeks? How can you spell honey? Oh God. I remember 4 weeks...a nightmare made worse by the shock starting to wear off. Take care of yourself any way you can. I only ate/took vitamins/etc. for the sake of my eggys/future babies.
-Mira's sister took another 3+ years to conceive. So we started trying to have kids in 2007 and we finally had a screamer May of 2015. - Give yourself as much time as you need before you jump back into having another - pregnancy hormones can amplify grieving!

Emily - my baby is 15.5 months old. How old is yours? I tried to find the liberatto but couldn't....
- Yes, 'nice day' just doesn't cut it when we want to be celebrating with our babies. It feels so wrong.

Thanks ladies. I honestly feel bad ranting when you guys are so much closer to the trauma. I just get drawn back here when the grieving returns.... Thanks for reaching out.

Ko,

Thank you for honouring us with your feelings and thoughts. It is always a honour to listen to someone else. We just seem to forget that. By listening, we are ensuring another doesn't feel so burdened by their loss/grief/depression etc. It's a way to help, in a time and place where there is little anyone can help.
I desperatly want to try again. We have been together 20 years. Audrey was our first pregnancy. I have biological issues so we assumed it was impossible, we never used protection, pregnancy never happened. We both buried the idea of having children. Now I know I am a mum, all I want is one to hold, to see my husband hold and so so so much more. We are 38, nearly 39. I feel so ild, yet so young. I am currently believing this was a gift to tell us we can and will successfully have children. I can't yet understand why she left us, except I did something wrong.

Thank you again for sharing.


Xxx

Oh Ko...... it's been 4.5 years for me. And I've been surprised by the intensity of my grief watching others in life (facebook etc) post about their 4 year olds starting kindy this year..... interviewing for school next year. This should have been me. Shelby should be doing this. Always missing.

Thinking of you and your beautiful Mira.

Remembering Mira together with you <3
It's important that they remember, so, so important.

I'm almost 25 months out of my most recent loss, not alot of my friends remembered, last year alot more ppl did... Now it's as if she never excited for them because we got our rainbow.

Love to you, your partner an your two girls.