It has been nearly four years since my wife and I lost our sons. As time moves on, I feel their memory slipping to the periphery of my life which makes me feel as though they are being taken from me again. I've been told that the pain won't necessarily lessen over time, but managing it will become easier. This was perhaps true until recently, when I began to notice that the few memories I had of my sons seemed to be slipping away as well. I can't remember the way they felt or smelled. Their lives and the circumstances surrounding their deaths are feeling more and more like a hard to remember dream as time goes on.

That's something I do not want. I want to keep their loss tangible to me. Memories fade over time, but how do I prevent this. I don't want to wallow in tragedy, but I do want to hold on to the truth that they were here. I've always understood I would miss them. I didn't expect to miss missing them or at least being so aware of it happening.

We have a daughter born after the boys and another one on the way. Maybe it is those bonds that are putting a different perspective on my relationship with my sons? It has been very difficult for me to process and I have been a total wreck lately.

Oh Michael, I am sorry for the loss of your precious sons. I relate so much to this post, my daughter was stillborn 3 years ago, just weeks before she would be born, and even the memories of the last few moments with her seem to be slowly fading. It has helped me to write them down and even share them with other loss parents and my husband, because I look back and I recall something which over the last few years had completely slipped my mind. I am truly sorry to you both. Much light.

I think, those first, raw, years, we spend so much time and thought and energy on trying to be "okay." We put so much of ourselves into not falling apart, into not constantly grieving, that we actually learn how to do that. A little bit, anyway. We train our minds so that when the thoughts of children hit, we can say, "No, not now."

I believe Jo-Anne is right. That the answer is to consciously go back and relive the time and love and grief. To tell the story of your sons lives again. To give yourself permission to talk, to cry, to mourn. I think you will be reassured of your love for them by how quickly the memories come back.

Also, it is very natural to lose some of it. We don't remember exactly how a living child felt and smelled after a number of years. We just know it was wonderful!

My sympathy for the lose of your sons. Peace to you, as you look for them in your heart.

Michael, I know what you mean. Our son was stillborn 3 and a half years ago. I don't have memories of him, since he was gone before he was born, but I know that feeling of his memory slipping away. We have two daughters since Hoseph, and especially with the new baby, it feels like Joseph is less present, more erased by our growing family. He is much on my mind and in my heart, but less visible from the outside. I can only hope that we continue to find little ways of remembering his place in our lives, and telling our girls about him as they grow up. It's hard.

I'm sorry for the loss of your boys.