This weekend, we spent some time with my friend, who is currently in her second trimester. She mentioned seeing the baby move, so without thinking, I brought up that I really liked seeing my baby move around at the 12 week ultrasound too. Everyone got kind of silent and the conversation moved on. I was retelling this to a separate friend, and she told me it that it is wildly inappropriate to bring up a loss to other pregnant women. I am only 6 months out from my loss, so it's still very fresh and part of my daily life.

Is this true? Am I supposed to not talk about this to pregnant women, did I break some sort of social norm? For me, he was such a joy that I can't imagine leaving him out of the conversation. He was a family member, and he exists for me. I don't know how I can ignore it or not share my early positive experiences...

I understand feeling uncomfortable when thinking about others' losses. I remember when I was pregnant, I would avoid stories of losses to quell my anxiety, but my friend lost a pregnancy at that time and I was supportive and didn't feel like I needed to ignore her or wanted her to shut up. I also understand maybe not telling friends, "watch out! this happened to me and it could happen to you!"

but..is it inappropriate? Did I do something wrong?

Evie, it's totally fine.you did nothing wrong. You shared a memory of being pregnant with your pregnant friend. That this particular pregnancy ended in loss is irrelevant, it's about a memory of how happy you were then etc. Frankly, your friends' momentary discomfort is nothing next to your grief. You're not responsible for making sure people are comfortable, nor are you responsible for hiding the fact that you were pregnant too, happy about it and that you remember. If they're uncomfortable, that's on them, not you. Sending you a hug Evie, being told to shut up about our kids is what's inappropriate.

Early on, after my loss, another loss mom told me not to worry about making others uncomfortable because I live every moment with the loss and if another person is uncomfortable, their discomfort is minor and lasts for a few minutes and they go on with their days and I continue to live with my loss always. I don't go out of my way to make other people uncomfortable, but I found that advice freeing. I've been in similar situations with people discussing their pregnancies who get uncomfortable if I mention mine. Frankly, I think it's wildly inappropriate and inconsiderate for other people to go on about their pregnancies and births in front of us if they aren't willing to hear about ours. I do get that people don't know what to say, but I don't want to hide my son's existence or the fact that I am a mother for other people's comfort.

This post made me feel really angry because you did nothing inappropriate or wrong and no one friend or otherwise has a right to make you feel like that. I am sorry people are this way. And for the record, you didn't bring up a loss, you brought up a memory of your baby. If they feel uncomfortable, that's fine but they shouldn't make you feel like you're in the wrong. I'm sorry, really, that friends can be this insensitive.

Thank you, A, and g. Before this incident, I didn't even really think about it at all. I don't go around ringing a bell and intoning "doom, doom, 1 out of 100 pregnancies ends in a nuchal cord accident, and it could happen to you even if you had no risk factors, doom, doom". I don't talk about nuchal cord accidents at all unless somebody *asks* me - don't even mention doing kick counts or anything else to my pregnant friends. Of course, I understand that most people don't want to think about infant/fetal loss at all, and would rather figure out a way that they are better/different than I am, since this FOR SURE would never happen with them, and that's okay.

But I just don't understand at all why sharing happy moments and relevant information is in any way horrifying or me committing some sort of a faux pas. So then I got worried that maybe I really was doing something wrong or acting out in grief without knowing it was socially appropriate.

Jo-Anne, many hearts. I didn't feel I was bringing up a loss, either - to me he is so much more than that final ending! He didn't live the life I imagined for him, but he still lived. The friend who thought it was inappropriate can't be the only one who thinks this way, and she wasn't trying to be cruel. She explained that I can feel however I want, but that I will always get that reaction from people whenever I bring him up, that they will always feel it's inappropriate.

I guess the bottom line is that people who are pregnant and who are my friends can feel free to stop talking to me during the time they are pregnant - if they think that will shield their babies from harm, so be it.

Evie,

You are so amazing to even be able to be around anyone pregnant. I have lost contact with my few friends who were pregnant and whose babies lived. It's just too painful. I am not proud of this but it's what I need to do to survive. I hope I can one day get over this. I think what you did was lovely - recalling a happy moment and not the trauma of the ending.

I always think of Elizabeth McCracken's words - " It was the happiest story with the saddest ending". You shared the happy part. How could there be anything wrong in that?

Kim - thank you. I don't feel amazing, since I have hidden every single person on facebook who has posted that they are pregnant or due. Sometimes people don't announce ahead of time and catch me off-guard, so I hide them at that point. It's hard, but so many people close to me are pregnant. I actually also had a miscarriage two months ago (so...four months after my loss), and my friend is due at the same time that I would have been with this miscarried baby. It was really hard for me to go, but I resolved to be open and friendly, because how long can I hide from the world? (this was my failed pep talk to myself, clearly). Usually to survive I hide in my house, avoid talking to all women my age, and pretend that pregnancy doesn't really exist in this world.

To be fair, she hasn't said anything at all to me about my "behavior" and the person who told me it was inappropriate is from a completely different friends group, and they don't know each other. I was just in shock because I never assumed that people who liked me would want me to pretend he never even existed.

I love that phrase by Elizabeth McCraken. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Evie,
I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. Why must it be so difficult for some of us. Thinking of you.