A couple I know whose baby died seems to want to forget their baby completely. They project a cheery normalness. They don't want to talk about it. It's like their baby didn't exist. And somehow, in their negation of their baby, it's like they're negating my baby's existence. Everyone keeps saying how uniquely suited I am to be there for this couple, since I've been through it. But I simply don't understand them. It feels like they're in denial. I know there's no "right" way to grieve, but it feels like they're doing it "wrong."

I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or sympathy, or what. Part of me wants to find common ground with them. Part of me wants to avoid them completely. Part of me wants to convince them of how they're "wrong".

When did they lose their baby? Maybe they are so new to this shock that they are trying not to belong to "that club"?

Grief is very individual and I do think people deal with it differently. My husband doesn't want to talk about S. to anyone other than me. It makes him too sad, and he mostly tries not to think about it, whereas I want to talk about him to everyone - except it makes people uncomfortable, so I don't. But I want to.

That said, 4 months after S. died (so..a month ago), I got pregnant again and lost that baby at 7 weeks. I don't want to talk about this second miscarriage at all. My brain just can't comprehend that amount of loss, one on top of the other, so I almost forgot it even happened. Sort of like in Mad Men, when he says, "it will shock you how much this never happened". A doctor recently asked me to talk about the 7-week loss, and I almost had a breakdown.

So it's possible that this couple is actually in denial in order to protect themselves. If that's the case, all of this will hit them (or each one individually, at different times) and it will hurt even more when it does. You can be there for them then. It's also possible that this couple isn't in denial at all, but feels like they both need to project a smiling, everything-is-normal face because if they don't, they will break all the way down in front of people and just cry without stopping. The latter is how my husband feels about S. I journal, so I wrote my feelings down in a little post, and he asked to read it. I sent it to him when he was at work, and he said that he started crying immediately and had to hide in the bathroom. Which is why I try not to talk to him about it when he is at work :(

Following up from Evie's wise words, I offer my experience. My closest friend got pregnant a couple of months after she started dating the guy who is now her husband of 17 years. They navigated the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy only to lose their baby (a girl) at 27 weeks to a placental abruption. It took them 10 years to be back at a place where they wanted another child.
My friend didn't meet her daughter. She didn't name her. She's never talked about what happened with me (we were young when this happened and I was soooo clueless!). Even now, she's never mentioned this child to her living son. Our way of dealing with my daughter's loss has been the exact opposite. She has a name (Maia), I held her for as long as I could before saying goodbye, we go visit her grave at least weekly if not more often, and we ask friends and family to remember and acknowledge Maia.
We've both struggled I think with each other's way to deal with our losses. But she has been a rock during this past 18 months, where others have bailed when I needed them most, she's put up with my way of grieving. Whilst I cannot understand her way (and viceversa) ,I cannot thank her enough for just letting me be.
I can relate to the need to 'correct' them, but really it's whatever works for the parents. Since my loss I can see more clearly some of their challenges and how their way was to keep their grief between the two of them. It's not how I would/have done it, but it seems to have worked for them.

Long story short, I understand how you feel. Try to accept their way of coping and just be there if you can and they let you. If it becomes too painful for you, give yourself some space. You come first. It's impossible to give to others when you have nothing left to give, so look after yourself. If their way hurts you, take a step back. In my experience, non bereaved people are much more receptive (and 'admiring'!) of bereaved people who look like they've moved on and are enjoying life, so they will have plenty of cheerleaders.
Hope this makes some sense!!
Love and peace
Gaby

My mom had a loss between my brother and me. Probably around 18 to 20 weeks along, she is vague about it. I only found out when we lost our daughter at 23 wks. You would have thought she'd be the best support I could have hoped for, but the total opposite was the case. She tried to first gently nudge, and when that didn't work, force, then bully, and finally blackmail into her approach of dealing with loss, which worked for her: move on as fast as you can, keep busy, don't talk about it, put a face on, get your hair done. She told me that this way, she had "soon forgotten". She would not talk about her experience beyond that. We could not have clashed more. It was awful. In the end, I screamed at her to back off, and we didn't speak for six months. I was so hurt, I needed her, like you I felt I was right, and so did she. We have only patched things over so much that we can be on speaking terms at least, nothing beyond brief small talk. It is another huge loss for me. Only now, nearly four years on, am I getting to a place where I can consider forgiving her, where I can accept the fact that neither of us were right or wrong, just very different people. My dad told me later that she grieved deeply, cried a lot, visited the cemetary frequently, could not eat or sleep well for months - but she just could not share that with me. She probably thought she was helping me by being "strong".

Thank you all for your perspectives. I do think I do need some space, not that they're seeking out my company either. Maybe some mental space. They're less than 2 months from their loss. So maybe it's denial, and it will hit them later and I can be there. Or maybe they're just grieving privately and holding it together in public, and I'll never know what they're thinking and how there processing. Maybe they're just too sad. I have no idea if they'll try for another baby, and I'm not going to ask (I found it so annoying when people asked me my reproductive plans), so I don't know if they're trying to adjust to a new life without children ever, or just crossing their fingers for a baby to fill the void.

B, I'm sorry about your mom. That sounds so hard.

Thanks.

(my first post here!)

I think that not being able (or willing) to talk about something signifies an inner struggle. If they were really OK with what happened, they'd be able to casually chat about it.

It's hard to be an outsider to someone's grief, the responses of the other person can be so erratic - and the bereaved can be hard to read.

I think the thing to do is just gently check how they are doing every so often, and if the time comes for them to want to talk, be there for them. They might regret it a few months down the road if everyone else takes their cue and also starts acting as if nothing happened. Their grief will take a long time to unfold, like everyone else's, and there might be another entry point for you later on, if you still want to help them.

They also might not want to open up to you. I know that I avoided people with a similar story at first, I didn't want my daughter's death to be a bonding theme. I had so much of my own pain I couldn't listen to anyone else's, it just hurt me all over again instead of making me feel understood.

I recently wrote a bit about outsiders and insiders to grief, perhaps you might find it useful: https://shoeboxfullofmemories.wordpress.com/2016/07/12/guest-post-ana-the-disconnection-within/