It has been a couple years since our baby girl was stillborn. We had to put our dog down this past December. My husband talks about the dog more than he talks about our daughter. He cries about her a couple of times a week still. I know that less time has passed since we lost our dog than our child but sometimes it seems like he cares more about our dog than our baby. Maybe it is because he knows exactly what he is missing with the dog. He remembers how she snuggled and what she looked like and he knew she loved him. He didn't get those experiences with our baby. But it is really upsetting me and it makes it difficult for me to be empathetic towards him when he is crying about the dog.

It isn't fair of me to be angry with him about this. I know that he was devastated when our baby died. But it seems like he has moved on and forgotten what she meant to him. I felt sad when our dog died and I still feel sad about it, but I certainly don't think about our dog more often than I think about our baby.

Hi Anonymous,
...I had a work colleague compare the death of my daughter to the passing of her cat. She went on about how she cried for a "whole day" about it. The insensitivity sickened me, but I guess in a strange way she was trying to connect???
I don't know your husband but maybe the passing of your dog brought back all of the feelings of grief at the loss of your baby girl. It's absurd, but our society is much more comfortable supporting someone who has lost a pet than someone who has lost a child. Maybe this has provided him an "acceptable" outlet? I don't know, but I can totally understand your anger.

Anonymous that's hard, I'm sorry. I think mother to a wild rose is right. He's probably doing some kind of grief transferring/substituting because he didn't get to grieve your daughter as much as he needed/wanted and the dog is an acceptable outlet. But I'd be angry too, grief sucks. Thinking of you.

I agree it is probably a little transference, and also what you observed, that he had memories to grieve and when a baby is stillborn, there are not any tangible memories to connect to.

but that doesn't mean you can't be angry about him crying over one and not the other... my husband used to laugh at the tv WAY to close to the time *I* felt it was appropriate to laugh after our baby died. I would hear him in there, laughing and having a good old time, and I was infuriated, horrified, felt so lonely, wanted to kill him, the sorrow was so harsh and fresh for me for so long, and he seemed to be able to disconnect so easily and enjoy aspects of life that honestly made me want to throw up. when I asked him about it, much later one, he said he *needed* that- the outlet to laugh and just check out of the depressing sadness and grief for a while. omg it made me so mad and lonely though, when he was doing it.

conversely, I would trigger so easily. I would see a dead squirrel in the road and cry and cry. it made my husband so confused and eventually he got irritated that every little thing made me cry about losing our first born daughter.

it is difficult when you can't be 'together' or 'on the same page' when you are both grieving. it is very difficult to co-manage this kind of pain. maybe impossible. the best thing I can think to suggest to you is to just focus on your own path, your own grief. if he is pissing you off, leave for a while. take a drive, by yourself, and yell at him in the car so he can't hear you. vent it all out, and it is also ok to let him know how you feel without being accusatory or placing shame on another's grieving process. its healthy to share how you feel. important too. even if it is not comfortable.

I am not making excuses for your husband, but we had 4 dogs that we were very attached to- a part of our family, really, our only family with no children to care for. when they died, it was absolutely devastating to me. not the same as losing my daughter then, but a palpable giant loss in my life that triggered all of the other losses into a big mess of emotions. and when my own cousin died at a fairly young age in life, I sobbed and sobbed at his funeral, unable to leave the funeral home for hours after everyone left, and that was absolutely transference. I felt so many things I had no control over- feeling sad for my aunt and uncle's loss of their son, feeling so sad for him dying, but also my own grief about losing my daughter came back like a tsunami. not pretty.

currently, for some perspective, I am pissed at my husband because he seems not to care much for the tending I do at the cemetery. I bothers me deeply that I weed and plant flowers and water and weed wack and talk to them, and he hardly ever goes. but I also understand that he grieves in his own way. it is a mystery to me, but I am unable to persuade or change him to do it the way I wish he would, you know? I do a lot of alone-time-in-the-car-screaming-at my-husband... maybe this will help? I always feel better, and it avoids a lot of dirty-garbage fighting between us when we are actually spending time together.

My wife and I discussed finding a new home for one of our dogs about a year after we lost our sons. I was against it but she thought it was necessary as she was expecting again and did not trust the dog. I was crushed and pleaded with her to reconsider. I spent nights sleeping on the floor of our bedroom with our dog.

Our dog was a source of support for me when we lost our sons. I rarely brought up my issues coping to my wife because I felt she was struggling to such a degree that opening up about my own pain would exacerbate hers. I felt free around my dog. I wasn't worried about the awkwardness that might occur when I cried. Wasn't worried about what impact my grief would have on her. I was angry my wife couldn't see that something I felt was so integral in my coping would have been taken from me. Eventually, I told my wife and we kept our dog. If at some point in the future we were to find her a new home, or when she dies, I have faith I will be devastated. Many of those tears will be born out of the bond developed after the loss of our sons.

Michael, thank you for sharing your perspective. After reading your reply, I really believe that has happened with my husband. And how could I possibly be mad at him for that?