for one and all > Anger
Oh Bird. I don't think there are any "shoulds" in grieving. None of us should have to be here and this is not a normal situation. I'm just over 2 years from my son's death and my emotions have been all over the place. Early on I had a lot of anger. About everything. I kind of scared myself because I didn't recognize myself. I still struggle with anger now, just less often and it's less intense. I think anger protected me a little from the terrifying depths of pure sadness. A lot of the other baby loss parents I've met have felt a lot of anger at certain points, so I think it's really common. It helped me to have a few people I could talk about the anger and all the other emotions with who don't judge me and who don't try to talk me out of my emotions. It's helped tremendously to find a good therapist. One therapist tried to reason with me about the logic of my emotions just a few weeks after my son's death. Not helpful I never went back to her. I think the best we can do is be gentle with ourselves, accept that our feelings are totally valid and just try to survive the best we can. Two years out is still early, but my emotions are definitely leveled out and softer. I haven't found logic at all helpful. Logic makes me search for answers that don't exist and that drives me crazy. The other thing that helped me was getting off social media when I was really struggling. I still hide anyone pregnant and anyone with kids the age of my son or younger. But early on, social was a minefield and there were so many triggers.
May 19, 2016 |
g
I echo the above. Hide those people on social media. That's what I did. None of it is fair and you have the right to be angry.
May 19, 2016 |
JM
bird, I'm so sorry. I hated all the naïve pregnant women after I lost my Shelby at 20 weeks. I resented anyone else who had a healthy baby and stress-free pregnancy. I actually wanted it to happen to someone I knew so I'd have someone who knew who I felt. I'm sorry you're here. We are listening x
May 20, 2016 |
Shelby's Mum
*who knew HOW I felt.
May 20, 2016 |
Shelby's Mum
Oh Bird ... I totally feel your pain. I am 8 weeks into my grief journey and feel very jealous and hateful towards all the naive pregnant women I see on the street and the friends I know that are pregnant. I do not mean then harm but for once I wish someone would understand how I feel and not hear things like "I totally understand your pain... I suffered also when my cat died". Really???? Really????
May 20, 2016 |
Andrea - Francesca & Dottie's mom
I'm angry too. About so many aspects of this babyloss world.
Be gentle with yourself. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. AND logic and emotions are really hard to square... It's like thinking of how statistically most babies don't die. But ours did. So statistics aren't much comfort.
I'm sorry for the loss of your baby.
Sending love and Light...
Be gentle with yourself. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. AND logic and emotions are really hard to square... It's like thinking of how statistically most babies don't die. But ours did. So statistics aren't much comfort.
I'm sorry for the loss of your baby.
Sending love and Light...
May 20, 2016 |
Burning Eye
Thank you everyone. I have posted on here before but I was so ashamed of feeling angry that I created a different name for this anger post, just in case I really was alone in how I was feeling. I feel better about my feelings now thanks to all of you on this post - most people in my life are shocked when I verbalize even a tiny bit of the anger that I feel, and they don't understand it, not even my husband.
Everyone asks me - why do you care what others do? What does it matter if people are blithely happy about their pregnancies? I don't know. It doesn't matter, and their journey is not my journey, but it makes me so angry. And I am writing this from a [TW: pregnancy mentioned] perspective of a second very early pregnancy with low rising betas which will most likely end in a miscarriage [END TW]. So it's just all too much.
Shelby and Andrea, I feel this way too. Most of my friends are beyond, beyond, BEYOND done thinking or talking about my lost baby. If they are pregnant, they mostly stop talking me in general because I guess baby loss is infectious. I just read one woman here took her husband's golf clubs and beat a tree out in her backyard. I cry-laughed at that, not because it's not funny, but because my immediate thought was, "I wish my husband played golf".
Everyone asks me - why do you care what others do? What does it matter if people are blithely happy about their pregnancies? I don't know. It doesn't matter, and their journey is not my journey, but it makes me so angry. And I am writing this from a [TW: pregnancy mentioned] perspective of a second very early pregnancy with low rising betas which will most likely end in a miscarriage [END TW]. So it's just all too much.
Shelby and Andrea, I feel this way too. Most of my friends are beyond, beyond, BEYOND done thinking or talking about my lost baby. If they are pregnant, they mostly stop talking me in general because I guess baby loss is infectious. I just read one woman here took her husband's golf clubs and beat a tree out in her backyard. I cry-laughed at that, not because it's not funny, but because my immediate thought was, "I wish my husband played golf".
May 20, 2016 |
Evie
Hugs, Evie. I just wanted to throw in my support. I feel the way you described above all the time - I could have written your post. I don't have any words of advice. But you're not alone. Thinking of you.
May 20, 2016 |
Matthew's Mom
Thank you, Matthew's Mom. I feel relieved that I am not alone, because I was getting so scared. What's wrong with me, that I can't be happy for somebody's lame internet video. I thought I was doing a little better managing the anger by taking deep breaths and stuffing everything down as far as it could go and thinking positive, self-reinforcing thoughts, but it sort of feels like I was stuffing a pitbull into a dollhouse.
May 20, 2016 |
Evie
Evie, I don't know if you've found an in-person support group, but I've found other baby loss parents to be what made me stop feeling so crazy and isolated. None of my non-loss friends get it and how could they? I couldn't have imagined. Unfortunately I've lost friendships with friends who felt the need to keep giving me advice or trying to reason with me from the perspective of not being a loss parent. I think our losses scare people too much and they can't or don't want to be present with us because it's so painful. It's sad losing these friends, but honestly, I'm more at peace not trying to explain or defend my feelings to people who try to talk me out of them.
And you are so early. I know it took my husband almost 6 months to really grasp what we lost and allow himself to really grieve. And I've heard that from other moms. I don't know why it is, but it does seem like it sometimes takes longer for dads to really grieve. My husband tried so hard to keep it together to take care of me that I felt more isolated b/c it seemed like the one person who lost as much as me didn't even understand how I was feeling. He was frustrated because he couldn't help me and it hurt him to see me in so much pain and I was frustrated because he didn't get it and he seemed to be functioning ok. It's so hard feeling like your partner doesn't understand you. Keep talking and I hope that as time goes on, you will understand each other's grief better.
And you are so early. I know it took my husband almost 6 months to really grasp what we lost and allow himself to really grieve. And I've heard that from other moms. I don't know why it is, but it does seem like it sometimes takes longer for dads to really grieve. My husband tried so hard to keep it together to take care of me that I felt more isolated b/c it seemed like the one person who lost as much as me didn't even understand how I was feeling. He was frustrated because he couldn't help me and it hurt him to see me in so much pain and I was frustrated because he didn't get it and he seemed to be functioning ok. It's so hard feeling like your partner doesn't understand you. Keep talking and I hope that as time goes on, you will understand each other's grief better.
May 20, 2016 |
g
Oh Bird, I am sorry for your loss. I just want to say you're not alone in how you're feeling. I have been there and still feel like that often times! This IS something to be angry about. Unfollow, unfriend, hide or simply take a break from social media for a while. There are too many unwanted triggers there.
May 22, 2016 |
Jo-Anne
Dear Evie, as some of the others have said, you are not alone. I am angry too. I'm not always angry, in fact I'm usually a very happy and optimistic person, but anger is just another building brick in the grief and healing process. I also am sending you well wishes for your second pregnancy, I know how hard it is to even imagine that things will work out. Hope you are doing OK.
May 23, 2016 |
Shannon (Hunter's mum)
Anger is definitely something I can relate too. I am about 11 months out from losing my full term 17 day old daughter to an extremely rare de novo genetic disease. I had no warning as she had normal cell free DNA tests and a normal level 2 ultrasound. So first - I was angry at the doctors for telling me she was low risk. Angry there was no cure. Angry at God I had to decide when her suffering was too much. Then I was angry at myself - how could My body have failed me and produced such a sweet but sick child. I am angry for thinking once I got to a certain point in pregnancy my baby was guaranteed to live. Now I am angry at other things - was it something I exposed myself too that caused her gene defect? Why did I wait so long to have children that I am now facing age related infertility and may never be able to have a second living child? Hitting golf clubs against a tree sounds pretty good.
Most days now, I am free of this anger accepting that no one was too blame. We just unluckily fell on the wrong side of the statistics. I think acknowledging and accepting the anger as a normal emotion anyone would have after such a loss has helped me let some of it go. Now when it comes, it's less intense and briefer.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair and there just is no making it right. But you are not alone. Kim
Most days now, I am free of this anger accepting that no one was too blame. We just unluckily fell on the wrong side of the statistics. I think acknowledging and accepting the anger as a normal emotion anyone would have after such a loss has helped me let some of it go. Now when it comes, it's less intense and briefer.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair and there just is no making it right. But you are not alone. Kim
May 23, 2016 |
Kim
I understand your anger totally. I have two sister in law's...one having a boy and the other a girl. They are both due soon, and I don't think I'll be able to go up to the hospital to see their babies after my loss. I think anger is a normal reaction to our losses. I just try to catch myself when thinking negatively and self soothe. Whether it be talking to my husband, Mother, friend or just screaming out loud. When I go to my sweet girl's grave I often get angrier. Not at her but the fact I am at my child's grave and not holding her in my arms at home. It's not fair...not fair at all. I am sorry for your loss and I hope your anger lessens soon. Nobody should have to live this way❤️
May 23, 2016 |
Candice Ramirez
I see a lot of people write that they wouldn't wish this on their worst enemy. I wish I felt like this. I want to feel like this. I want to feel sympathetic, and joyful for my friends who are innocent and naive and assume that all babies are take home babies, that bad things just don't happen. But I don't. I don't care if it happens to somebody else. What can I do to stop feeling this way? Logically I know it was a random accident, and nobody lived at the expense of his life. I know this logically. But I can't see it emotionally.