Three years ago today our family became ensnared in a series of events, a rope that twisted and tucked and knotted until we could not find our way out. We took a desperate drive to save the life of our second born son, we asked perfect strangers to hold our hands and pray for us, and in the face of the worst case scenario we refused to believe. Three years ago we were planning on welcoming Henry August Bizzell into our loving arms in our peaceful home, and instead we felt him leave us, if not in body, but in soul, over the Astoria bridge with all of those pelicans. There is so much left undone and unsaid, but what is left is only love for him, the daily grief of missing your child who never grew up. He would have been three today. Happy Birthday Henry, we miss you so.

If you are the remembering type, please light a candle for Henry today, and think of what it might be like to go to his birthday party, and sing him a song.

Happy 3rd Birthday to Henry, beloved son and brother and a life appreciated as precious to all who know of him. For sure I'll sing a song and light a light for Henry. With so much love to you and your family, Mindy, and a prayer for your peace and happiness,
Love,

Oh, I was just thinking about you and Henry in the last few days. : )

Happy Birthday Henry. I so wish that you could have stayed in this world and shared more time with your family who loves you so, so much. Thinking of you on your birthday and sending love and light and peace to your family.

Remembering your Henry today. Thinking of you and sending love.

Happy birthday dearest Henry August. You are in my thoughts and on my heart, especially tonight. So deeply loved and so terribly missed. Sweet boy. Happy birthday.

Thinking of you Mindy. I will be lighting candles here in the UK for your son this evening x

Mindy,

I will imagine Henry holding up his fingers to proudly show you that he is three. He will be on my mind and in my heart... Somewhere he is waiting for you and he will be in your arms once again. Please know that we are all here to support you and wish you warm healing energy.

Love,

Happy 3rd birthday in Heaven dear Henry. You mama and dad and family miss you so much.

Thank you all, as anniversaries go this hasn't been a terrible day. There were lots of tears this morning, and my eldest son (5) drew me a heart wrenching picture of Henry and a soul and then told me he had a special eyeglass that could see Henry in heaven, he said he was happy, playing with lizards and he had lots of friends. Daddy is out getting balloons to let go. Can't help imagining all of my children together in the yard, splashing in the pool, as today has been the hottest day of the year. I keep looking at Vivien (our rainbow) and wishing we could have been blessed with all three of them, together, I know she too would have loved to have known her brother.

Much love, and thank you all so very much.
M

Wishing Henry a happy heavenly 3rd birthday. I just sang Happy Birthday to him. Thinking of youl

Hi Mindy- Henry's candle is still lit. I borrowed AdiaRose's Jizo statue to put by it, and said special prayers to the saints for all of you, and sang him "This Little Light of Mine". With lots of love, Jen

Remembering Henry with you today. I'm so sorry that he isn't with you and the rest of your family.

Mindy, I'm so sorry. I face my little lost loves 1st birthday. I can't imagine her 3rd. I'm sorry Henry isn't playing with his siblings and growing up to be a 'bigger boy'. Thinking of you and your family....

I don't have any candles, but I did just sing the birthday song to your little boy.
Allie

Hi Mindy

I am not sure if you will read this, but I felt compelled to post.

We were out riding our bikes along the Discovery Trail when my husband felt the need to stop at a bench to have a seat. When I caught up, I read the plaque for your little Henry August and my heart broke for you. I said his name aloud a few times. When we got back to our hotel, I looked up your son's name and happened upon this post.

Our son, Owen Benjamin, left his body 5 days after he was born on October 30th, 2014 due to a lack of oxygen at birth.

Please know our little family was thinking of yours today. The view from be bench is breathtaking.

Robyn
Whistler, BC

I think of you and thank you for remembering your boy publicly, and informing people about the dangers of home birth. I think it's the worst idea to have a home birth. I almost killed my son because of homebirth. He survived thanks to a life flight and treatments in one of America's best hospitals, pch, slc. Every day I thank those amazing and dedicated doctors in my heart for saving hero`s life. I have pstd and it seems that I cannot recover emotionally from all the trauma of home birth. My midwife sent me to the hospital. If he had been born at home he would have died in minutes. He has a brain damage but seems to do fine.I think of your little Angel and you today.

I don't know if doubt still plagues you. I just stumbled upon your blog quite by accident and felt the need to comment.
I am a Labor nurse; I've been an RN for 17 years now. I am going to tell you the same thing i tell every mother of every angel: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You did what you felt to be best for your child and were lied to and misled by someone who was supposed to take care of both of you; not want to keep you at home to save their own pride.
To Henry's dad i say the same thing: NOT YOUR FAULT.
I believe in the power of Mothers and in the great love of birthing. I also know that science has developed over the years to better our lives. Science was a cornerstone of my nursing education. Even as a nurse and not a delivering practitioner there are so many red flags in your story that make me question the common sense of your former LM (lay midwife) not to mention her apparent lack of education. There are abundantly clear guidelines of what situations qualify as appropriate for home birth and what situation(s) "risk out" the mother and necessitate her transfer to a hospital.
Can i say that Henry would have been born completely safe and healthy if in a hospital? I cannot. But i can say that as a nurse i would have taken some common sense steps that seem to have escaped that dissembling, clay-brained, clotpole who had no interest in anypne save herself.

TL,DR: NOT YOUR FAULT. NEVER EVER EVER YOUR FAULT.