Tomorrow is the day he was scheduled to be born. Today all I can do is realize that I should be packing a bag for the hospital- giddy with excitement at his impending arrival. Instead I am empty and looking at his beautiful face not in front of me but in a photograph.

I will be lighting my candle tomorrow not only for Cullen but also for all of the precious babies I have come to know of through this experience.

I miss him so much.....

Oh Leslie, I'm so sorry that you do not have Cullen here with you tomorrow. Please be very kind to yourself tomorrow and know that we are all here for you and thinking and praying for you.

I'm not sure if it is the special day tomorrow, or the fact that Abby turns 6 months today, or the fact that Will died 9 months ago on Tuesday...but I've been having a rough and tearful few days. I just miss Will so much and ache also for every babylost momma and dad out there.

I think I'm going to go buy a special candle for tomorrow. Will's candle. I also think I am going to fill my table with tea candles as well. I plan to take pictures. I hope to use this candle as a way to signify Will's presence (and sadly, his absence) at special times in our lives: Will's day of passing, the twins' birthday, Christmas, etc.

I'm feeling an enormous pull toward ritual these days. Mark and I decided we would get our memorial tattoos on the anniversary of Will's death. We also plan to do a balloon release again, just as we did at his memorial service.

Eve thank you so much. I just went over to your blog and read Will's story- I am so very sorry. I wish I had thought to buy a special candle just for Cullen- that is such a wonderful idea. I will be lighting a white one tomorrow.

I know what you mean about the pull- I got my tattoos on the one month anniversary- it was monday. I absolutely love them- they turned out so beautifully. Having them done on such a hard day was truly something I am glad I did.

I will be thinking of all the babies I have come to know tomorrow- and hope Cullen has made some beautiful new friends.

This weekend we are marking the one year anniversary of the birth and death of our daughter Caritas (Cara). She was born on October 16 and died on the 17th. We plan to loosely differentiate our commemorations by celebrating her life on the 16th (with cupcakes, a balloon launch, a dinner out, and some time in the park) and mourn her death on the 17th (by going through her memory box, photo album, cards, letters, reflections, etc. and playing the Taize music that was in the background while she died). I'm sure the sentiments will overlap, and I am feeling so much sadness today in anticipation of this weekend and in memory of being in labor at this time last year. I am thankful that some of the bitterness and anger I was carrying seems to have dissolved, and I feel a new sense of tenderness and awe at the sacredness of Cara's life and life in general. But damn does it still hurt.

I didn't even know that the national day of remembrance so closely coincides with our own weekend to remember our loss. But I appreciate that I can stand in solidarity with all the other babyloss mamas and papas out there, grieving for them while I grieve for myself.

I like the idea of having a special candle for our little ones to light and relight on significant occasions. I'm going to suggest that to my husband.

I'll be thinking of the beautiful people who compose the Glow community this weekend, sending love and crying tears in your honor as well.

October 15 is close to Matilda's first birthday (30 October) and anniversary of her death (3 November) and it was hard for me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm also emotional about her birthday approach but I was pretty teary on the couple of days leading up to October 15. The hospital holds a memorial service in conjunction with the wave of light each year which we went to.

It was hard to think about the fact that last year on October 15 I was sitting in the ante-natal ward pregnant with Matilda and no idea that heartbroken parents were gathered in another part of the hospital remembering their precious babies. Then we thought we'd be bringing her home but this year we were amongst the heartbroken parents.

I don't know what we're going to do for her birthday. I just hope whatever we do that it feels like enough.