I thought I wouldn't have to deal with it this time. This morning, though, I feel cold and wet. I look down, and there's colostrum weeping out all over my nightgown. So I go digging for the athletic bras I'd put away and find the nursing bras and nursing shirts I'd thrown in that drawer hiding the one to smash me flat.

I finally deliver vaginally and my breasts fill up. Great. Everything's working except it didn't, I couldn't keep the baby safe, I couldn't find the rock I was going to bury the children with, and I couldn't find my living son his blue trousers this morning for his school uniform. I'm sitting here on my bottom, going to lie down for a nap because I'm not allowed back at work yet, I can't turn on the oven or do heavy housework or any of that stuff yet, and everyone else is back to work or school. I don't exactly feel like turning on a movie or whatever, yesterday I sewed a skirt then busted out crying when I tried it on because it looked like crap. Well, I had a baby about a week ago, anything I put on will look like crap. I have the body of a woman who has had four children, one of them recently, but only one of them is alive.

Yes, this resentment and guilt and all that crap is also normal. I will go in tomorrow and get referrals to grief counselors, further blood testing, and all that stuff. Unfortunately, all my medical training now appears only to let me abbreviate the discussion of these things, not avoid it, and in some ways I think I'm getting worse care because they are assuming I "know how this works" and so don't have to explain or "allow time for questions" or whatever the current protocol is. The doctor's fine - it's billing and testing and insurance companies making me insane. Global maternity plans are the worst thing ever invented, as far as I'm concerned, but at least it's something I can attack, something I can actually say "service X bills out for this much money, service Y was not provided since only this drug and catheter induction were used, etcetera, etcetera, and so forth." So I've spent this morning discussing coding and services rendered because it's something I can actually take care of, same as reading extra research and providing local hospices with referrals to patient resources on perinatal loss over the last week. I don't want to sit here being nothing and having my body leak milk all over my chest, I guess, normal or not.

It just seems so wrong. I know how u feel. You would think that your body would just figure something like this out. I don't need the milk dummy go away. But it is not that smart. I hated my body for everything. But when my linea nigra line went away it was kind of sad. It was like a reminder. Yes I was pregnant ..and yes I had a baby. She was here, she existed, she is gone. Yes it sucks. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I'm so very sorry and so very sad. Wishing there was more to say as it feels so inadequate. Sending much love to you.

I'm stuck on the line 'I had a baby about a week ago". Anonymouse, I don't even want to imagine what you're going through. Sounds bloody horrendous. And the fact that you've lost 2 other babies before to my mind would make it bigger bigger bigger, not smaller, not necessarily more predictable. That depth of pain, even if it is tragically familiar territory, should never be regarded as 'safe territory'. I'm rambling now. So sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry, anonymouse. None of it is fair. I wish I could come up with something to say that could make sense of it, but there's nothing, Please tell us more about your baby if you wish.