Yesterday I had a letter from the consultant who delivered Freddie. The consultant who was ashen faced after his birth, who cried over him, has been brilliantly supportive, visited every day, came to his funeral and has retired because of him.

He blames himself, I know that - I don't blame him, his colleagues don't blame him, but he blames himself.

And I've talked myself out of thinking that Freddie isn't dead because of his birth. The evidence doesn't add up, the signs are not there, the signs, so far as I'm concerned, were all the other places but not in those few hours.

But in the letter he blames the birth - the 2 hours I laboured in the pool. The only part of any labour where I have felt in control, safe, cared for and happy. He feels those two hours must have been where it went wrong. He says that if I'd been monitored then, perhaps more intermittent signs of distress might have been picked up.

Freddie was fine at 10am when I was 2cm - I got out of the pool before 12 when the midwife heard a deceleration and I was 8cm. They all decided it was actually fine. His heartbeat stayed fine beyond that to just before birth, when they double took slightly about my pulse but felt all was still well. It was even fine after birth when he was refusing to breathe. There was never anything to worry people. His blood oxygen was unbelievably low, too low for acute trauma, it had to have been chronic. But not cord compression and not placenta failure.

So what? I'm trying to trust my instincts but I've been undone by someone who blames himself and now I feel I must have been to blame for choosing birth not C/S. I had a choice. It never occurred to me a baby could die without showing signs of doing so - I was worried about MY life, not his.

If not cord, if not placenta, if not long drawn out birth, WHAT the HELL kills a baby in a 3 hour active labour?

You know that I have all the same questions about what could go wrong during a perfectly normal labour and why a baby can die for absolutely no reason. I had the c-section and it didn't change the outcome. You were trying to do what was best for your baby and your family, avoiding a c-section is not a selfish choice.

I'm so sorry that you have to grapple for answers like this. There is no way you could've known what was going to happen. And it sounds as if the medical professionals did not feel as if there was a great risk either. When they believe it is a true emergency, they will insist upon a c-section.

My son did not die in labor, but did die without any explanation after scores and scores of healthy ultrasounds and heart monitoring. It is so hard to understand how babies can die so easily, so quickly, and so secretly.

Much love to you today with the heaviness of this letter in your heart.

Eve

Oh sweet Merry... it is easy for me to tell you that this was not your fault. That you did not make selfish decisions and that nothing you could have done in this case would have changed Freddie's death. It is easy for me to read your words, to know your story and to tell you this. I feel certain of it.

What I don't understand is how I can feel all of this for you while knowing that I feel it does not hold true for me.

We all struggle with this. I am so sorry.

Love and grace- L

Week after week I went to fetal assessment and was told how perfect he was. He always scored a 10 out 10 on movement, fluids and practice breathing. It was all too perfect. We have no explanation on his death. He just died. If we had only had an autopsy done maybe we would have some answers and not be so afraid to try again.
So sorry Merry. Take Care.

So frustrating. When all else is ruled out, where does the blame go? Usually on ourselves. At least, for me it does. There HAD to have been something I could have, should have done. How could I not know that something so insidious was happening to my baby--even within my own body? Having a solid explanation would be so comforting...but it often never comes. I have lost all faith in my own intuition. I feel your pain.