The holidays will soon be upon us. We lost our third daughter on the day after Christmas last year so, as the weather has started to change, I feel a sense of foreboding. I have been doing pretty well for the past few months. I've taken some new paths in life (new part time job, new volunteer opportunity) and I've been feeling good about that. But, I feel the grief bearing down on me again. I dread the holidays. I dread Christmas.

Today I found out that my neighbor is pregnant with her third child. I suspected that she was but the confirmation has hit me hard. I don't think she has a clue about our loss (we are new to the neighborhood, although a few of the other neighbors know). She talked to me about her pregnancy the way she would talk to anyone else. Her two kids are also girls, so she talked a lot about how she would feel if she had a third girl. (We had a third and, oh, I wouldn't have traded her for anything... if only that choice had been mine to make). The whole time, I talked and smiled, but wanted to run off somewhere to cry.

I feel like such a failure. I am so envious that everyone else gets to sail along with no fears, certain that they will have what they want in the end. I guess the one "good" thing that my reaction is telling me is that, maybe, I do want to try again. I've been too scared to... but I also feel such a terrible emptiness in our family.

This never goes away, does it? (Sigh).

Sending you love, Steph. Wish I had words of wisdom or comfort to offer - but I'm only 4 weeks in, and can't even possibly begin to fathom what life will look like in a year.

But I can send you love. I can only imagine the holidays are the hardest for many of us, but to have an anniversary compounded in there, I'm so sorry.

love,
sarah

Oh, Sarah. I just looked at your blog about your precious Otis. Your pictures-- so heartbreaking and so beautiful. My heart bleeds for you and your husband. I wish I could fast forward time for you, fast forward through those painful first few months. Thank you for sending me your love and kind wishes in the midst of your darkest hour. You are in my thoughts.

I am crying reading this- partially for you Sarah because I have looked at the pics so many times and then looked at Cullen's and just asked why...

Steph my heart aches for you too. I have a neighbor who has three boys. She desperately wants a girl. I used to be able to understand that for her. I have one girl and two living boys. Cullen is our third boy and while in the beginning I really wanted a sister for my daughter I got to like the idea of her having three brothers to protect her. My boys are so different and I just wonder so much what Cullen's personality would be like. Anyhow I think that now if I heard her (or anyone for that matter) talking about things like this I might loose it. Because now I just have an entirely different view. It's not to say that I don't understand how people could long for both genders- I do. I just think that in the end all I could ever care about is that the baby LIVES. That's all- just breathe and cry and let me feel a precious heartbeat.

This year the Holidays are going to suck. No way around that. No baby's first Christmas, no turkey onesie at thanksgiving. I feel for you. I completely understand. While I cannot even begin to grasp being one year out ( we lost Cullen on September 11th) I completely understand the dread that will now come with this time of year.
There are some Christmas cards I saw on etsy that have a reindeer and say
Merry Motherf**king Christmas. I think I am getting some just to send to a few close friends who get it. I need the levity.

Sending you tons of love and support- leslie