A wonderful friend (who has been incredible to me ever since we lost our son 5 months ago) just showed me some lovely pictures of her child. It broke me. I was having a wonderful day - one of the best I've had in the past 5 months and now I'm just so emotional....and incredibly and deeply sad. In a way, I'm glad to be treated normally and happy she would be comfortable enough to share this with me (instead of avoiding me) but on the other hand I'm a bit hurt...and I think that stems from just realizing that people, no matter how kind, just have no idea how painful losing a child is. I also struggle so much with the jealousy issues....Seeing how joyous their life has been over the last few months just made me so incredibly jealous and I hate myself for it. I don't want friends to not show me these things or not talk to me about their wonderful lives but how am I supposed to handle it? Does it ever get better to interact with others with children? It is just so devastating for me to see what I'll never have with my son.

That's alright, that seems pretty normal. For example,today dropping my son at his school I stayed for a few minutes since I can't be back at work yet - and ended up essentially running out of the room because they were singing happy birthday to a kindergartener. What? Makes no sense but that is the way grief seems to work. I don't know if it helps to know you're not alone but you're not, the rest of us are here too getting hit by those random things that make you realize your child is gone. Hold fast, this is our battle though we each fight it alone.

What hurts you today may not affect you at all tomorrow, and then the next day it will again.. I find it easiest to assume I will struggle with anything baby-related and allow myself to be pleasantly surprised when that doesn't turn out to be the case. I still default to this approach as a protective measure, even though these days I feel fairly normal most of the time.

Of course you are jealous - I am often jealous. I think we all are. Don't hate yourself for it. It is normal, because you are not made of wood and your reactions aren't written by a TV scriptwriter. You can love your friends and care about their joys and disappointments without having to martyr yourself over their babies to prove it. Don't forget that you need your own love right now. I don't doubt that if she had any idea what her photos did to you, she'd be horrified. But she doesn't know and can't know where your "line" is - so you have to guard it jealously.

I'm trying to be there in real life for a friend who just lost a baby - and you'd think I'd have some idea how to do this, but I keep getting it wrong. She isn't me. She appears to be handling this completely differently. I've drawn her "line" in the wrong place. I suspect she needs to protect herself from me, and that's really sad and unfortunate, but it does kind of back up what I'm trying to say here.

Much love to you, and my sincere wish for many un-spoilt wonderful days ahead..

I think moops said it perfectly. Only you can know what your limitations are.
I often think that the only people who can possibly understand this are the fellow bereaved- but while I find that to be true I know that even the bereaved all handle this differently.
Some of us cry, some medicate, some meditate, some talk, some write, some isolate, some seek company. We are all different- even in our shared loss.

I can understand what you mean when you say that you are glad she did not treat you as the untouchable fragile and broken mother of a dead child- the woman who is so often shunned by people who are so afraid to say the right thing that they say nothing at all. Yet while you appreciate the normalcy you are not quite ready for all of what comes with it. Babies, pregnancies, life as we used to know it.

We are all jealous of healthy living babies. It can only be natural after such a heartbreaking loss. Don't fault yourself for the jealousy or the confusion. I myself am far away from learning what I can handle and what I cannot. When the pain gets to be too much give yourself space and don't expect answers to come immediately.

I wish today could have stayed beautiful for you. You deserve it- always know that.
Grace- Lesllie

Thank you for your comments. They've helped me so much over the past week.