I'm still so incredibly new to this (17 days in) but yes, my fears have multiplied exponentially in the last three weeks.

We were out walking our dogs last week (off leash) when one ran into the street. In just a split second, my heart and mind had played out the entire tragedy of the dog being hit by a car and what that would mean for us...wondering how I would cope, grieving our son AND our dog, rushing the dog to the vet, losing him...In only an instant (because the dog was back on the sidewalk within a blink of the eye), I had responded with such enormous fear of loss.

I find that every twinge in my body has become a great fear of something wrong with me.

I worry about my husband, about whether his grief or the way he is and isn't grieving is healthy.

I fear our marriage crumbling.

I fear future losses, almost as much as I fear not being able to conceive again. I fear that my life will never feel "better" again.

I have "big" fears, the kind that keep my brain spinning late at night, and immediate fears, the kind that show up while driving, walking, or just being out in the world ("what if that car hits us?" "what if that person is going to rob me?" "what if those teenagers are drunk and pick a fight with my husband?")

Lots and lots of fear.

As of yet, I've not found any great ways to deal...other than just recognizing them as fears, and acknowledging that my fear response is of course heightened right now, and this is normal...

I'm sick of telling myself (and hearing from others) that "this is normal."

I just wish I could have my old normal back.

i'm terrified now. i was bad enough before, but i'm much worse now. the fears are the same, just more intense (and that hasn't really faded in the ten months, although it's ebbed and flowed). i'm terrified of my husband dying. terrified of my house getting broken into or my car getting stolen. terrified of planes crashing with my family on.

terrified of losing another pregnancy. terrified of never getting pregnant again. terrified of having babies who just stop breathing and die. terrified that i'll have more than one child, but that they will die together in some accident.

i miss my old normal too.

8 months out now from learning that Will's heart stopped at 25 weeks, my fears are better than they were. Because of the circumstance of carrying twins, I was extraorinarily fearful for my surviving twin as there were real risks to her health and even possibly to my health. The fear was so exhausting. I slept very little...and still do not sleep all that well.

I think I would have an incredibly difficult time controlling my fear if I were to try to carry another pregnancy. It makes me so sad to be done with TTC, but I know that I cannot do everything again emotinally: the infertility, the IVF, the bedrest, and (of course) the risk of losing another baby(s).

I tend to bury my head in the sand in a lot of ways though. I know that life is fragile and can be snapped off at any time, but I try to translate that into enjoying the trivial and even downright annoying things in life. That side of me usually wins right now...but I'm also thanking Zoloft in the fight to quelch fear.

I had some fears before but now I am terrified. Good word, B.

I am afraid of everything and nothing all at once.

I am afraid of the nightmares when I am able to sleep and even more frightened of good dreams because waking from a good dream to my reality is as bad as a nightmare.

I am afraid of being this suffering, broken, empty shell of a person forever. Afraid I won't ever be able to breath again without thinking of my baby dying but there is a part of me that is just as afraid that I will because that memory is almost all I have of him.

I am also afraid of never getting pregnant again, of never having another child of ending with loss and just as afraid of becoming pregnant again and the loss of another child.

I am afraid my living daughters and family will die or be hurt. I too envision entire tragedies in moments, accidents and horrors in everyday life that would take away someone I love.

I am afraid of the grocery store, well, any uncontrolled enviroment and pregnant women and babies. I never know how it will effect me.

I am afraid of speaking to people. Strangers as well as those close to me. I spill over and vomit out every thought in my head sometimes and others I can't put together words for a response. I am afraid of how what they do or don't say will effect me or what I should or shouldn't say in response. It is surprising how often my first thought isn't nice, tactful, politically correct, and well if you can't say something nice ....... Right. It shocks me how not kind my thought are at times but still I am afraid to offend people or make them sad, to be an object of pitty or get told it is time to move on.

My new normal is infused with fear. These fears and many more.

How do I deal with them? Hmm ... not so well. I still just try to breath in and out and survive every day. I sleep when I can and reread books (no surprises in rereading). I go through the day breath to breath, moment by moment, task by task, sometimes crying, with my heart aching and pushing myself forward, afraid.

This is only my second post (both today) but I have been lurking here for months now. My son was born and died June 13th.

I agree with Dorothy-
I am afraid and yet I fear nothing.

I have the fears I mentioned before about my kids and my husband. But for me death is something that I think I actually fear less. It is strange I almost feel as though I need to write a letter to my husband and living children just to have it tucked away in case.....

I want to grow very, very old- watch my living children grow and find their paths. If for some reason my own life takes a different journey I have Cullen to guide me- and that brings me a type of peace that sweeps away a lot fear.

A tiny glimpse of comfort amidst all of the darkness.

Dorothy,

Welcome here...we are all so very sorry for the loss of your son. What was his name? I found myself in a similar place not long after losing my Will. I felt like I had nothing good to say to anyone. Happiness pissed me off. Hopefulness, too. Even laughter made me grit my teeth. Please keep posting and talking with those who have also been there.

Leslie,

I also look forward to seeing Will someday. I don't want to die and leave my children and family here...but I also long to meet Will. My son worries that Will is lonely in heaven...he suggested we go for a visit.

Sigh. If we only could.


Many hugs, Eve

I am less afraid. I have faced the worst and survived, I can and will survive whatever else I'm thrown in this life.

I don't care as much what people think anymore, and I am not afraid of death, since it swept into my womb and robbed me of my son. It happened inside of me.

Mourning sucks, but now that we know each other, I think I can survive here on in. And so if things die in my life, if I lose more, I'll make it through. It will never be as bad as having my dead son caught up in my pelvis as I screamed for a C-section during labour. Everything else will be manageable.

I'm like Sarah H I think. I still have fears - a lot of them - but death isn't necessarily one of them. I was thinking today about how much our lives center on hiding from death and how many of us see death as this terrible, looming entity that brings everything to an end. Where, really, whether you believe in an after-life or the contination of souls or not, death is a contiuum of life. We're all dying from the moment we're born.

I'm less scared of it now. I'm less scared of my mom or husband dying - though immediately after our loss, I was terrified of them being out of my sight. I know now I can survive. But I fear the surviving it. I'd rather not have to, really.

I have more fears about another pregnancy and another loss. But that has faded some with time as well - no idea how it will be if I conceive again. We're actively moving away from it for awhile.

I worry less about some thing and more about others. But in general, I don't think fear has the stranglehold it used it on my life. There are still moments when I feel fear very keenly and it's terror and horror and choking . . . but it doesn't last anymore. I think in losing Gabriel, we had to face one of our biggest fears and so the rest pales in comparison.

Like Sarah H and Eliza, I am less afraid. Watching my daughter die taught me that, in the situations where I wanted to take action the most, I often would not be able to. There was nothing that I could do to help her live. That resignation brought in its wake a strange, hopeless kind of peace.

Dorothy - your words about being afraid to speak to people really rang true with me. That horrible balance of either vomiting up every single thought in your mind or just being dumb struck. I was also raised on 'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' and the venom and rage of my internal voice frightened me at times. It is such a difficult time, just keep breathing. Don't ask more of yourself.

Dorothy and Catherine - same here. And worse - when I let some of that venom out in what I thought were safe places, the backlash could be harsh. I shocked people with it. But it was either out or festering and eating me up. Sigh.

And I definitely went through a time like that too - I still tend to spew far too much onto people who are unfortunate to inquire or crack the top layer of my composed shell when it comes to Gabriel. There's a tipping point (a question, a compassionate glance, a commiseration?) and it all spills out out out. It's like either all or nothing these days.

I don't fear death for myself, although I do worry incessantly about my husband and surviving twin. What I really fear is life. A lifetime of living without my daughter, and then hoping, but not knowing for sure, that I will see her again one day when I die.

I'm afraid of not being able to try again soon. I'm afraid of not getting pregnant again. I'm afraid of getting pregnant again and having a miscarriage. I'm afraid of something being wrong with the next baby and having to make a terrible decision. I'm afraid of losing another baby. I'm afraid of never being able to be happy about another pregnancy, about another baby. I will never be that blissfully pregnant woman again. I'm afraid of never experiencing the joy that I should have now, that was ripped from me that day in the hospital. I'm afraid of people forgetting about my Charlotte. I'm afraid it was somehow my fault. I'm afraid of loving another baby and I'm afraid to let myself be hopeful. I'm so afaid of being happy again, because right now it's so hard to even imagine.

I'm scared too. I have one DD already and that was an awful birth followed by an emergency section (which was actually the most ok bit for me).

Now I'm 29 weeks, and last week we were told my baby boy is too sick to live. I have no amniotic fluid, neither of his kidneys are functioning, and both those things mean his lungs are unlikely to cope. Having said that, no-one knows just how bad the lung function will be, as I wasn't monitored between weeks 22-28 (although the problem was flagged at 20 wk scan), so we don't know when the amniotic fluid disappeared.

It took 3 yrs after DD to summon up the courage to TTC (I still get occasional nightmares about that hospital) and intended asking for an elective C/S this time round. Although baby is now breech, and the paediatrician has said a natural of labour will probably kill him, they are v.reluctant to do an elective (VBAC preferred from their pov). I cannot get my head around what the paed' has told us about poss of death in labour - how can I cope with contractions, knowing that each one will sqeeze my DS (no fluid for cushioning)? I've also been told my waters won't break, as there aren't any - so presumably I'll only know I'm in labour when I start getting regular contractions. I get twinges sometimes, so am already panicking at times.

Part of me thinks if I have an elective this time round, I could (just) cope with a VBAC if we decide to TTC in future, but DH is v.doubtful as to whether he is willing to try again - he has a point I suppose, DD has enough personality in her for about 3 kids! And yes, if I'm honest, part of me says 'never again', but another part just desperately wants to hold a live healthy baby. Then I feel selfish for that.

So, I have no clue where the baby will be born, how he will be delivered, what treatment the hospital will be happy to give (have been given the impression they aren't happy to give any as his life expectancy is so low), or that we want him to have - at what point do we say 'enough', no idea what will happen to him when he does stop breathing, or if DD will be allowed to visit if he is in special care. And there is a tiny bit of me that thinks of the things that could go wrong with me - if I get an infection, or if I die (thanks to MIL for pointing that one out!), how long DH will need off work and how he'll cope.

Round and round my head like a dog chasing it's tail.