I received a sort of random, out of the blue email today. Well, two days ago. But I don't check that account everyday.

Someone from a former life - Back Then, Before Gabe, Before Loss, whatever - emailed me to let me know that there was a tragedy on the baby-related board I frequented for 3 years. I could guess what that tragedy was and why they were emailing me, naturally, but there was no reference for what had occurred and to whom it occurred.

So I went back to take a look.

It's worth noting that my loss was the third in a string of second tri losses. Another woman who had had multiple miscarriages lost her daughter about a month before I lost Gabe. Another lost her daughter two weeks before. I remember reading that and feeling chilled. Did I have a premonition then? I don't know. Then Gabe. Then I left. I couldn't deal with it. I couldn't bear to start all over again and be surrounded by happy pregnant women. I could not handle it. As lovely and supportive as the women were, they were not my people. I stopped in there briefly during the three days I was pregnant in January, and felt wildly conflicted about it. I assume I won't go back again.

But I did, to find out what happened.

And what happened was that the woman who was second in the string just lost her son in the second tri. Two second tri losses in a row.

I feel sick. My heart is heavy. I'm trying to find a way to contact her, to let her know I'm thinking of her, even though I know it's inadequate. But I just feel heartsick right now for her. It's so awful and unfair and wrong.

Oh how horrible for her. I cannot even fathom how she must be doing with two late losses like that. Eliza, I'm sure that you contacting her privately would provide her so much comfort to know that you care for her and have been there as well.

I pretty much had to leave my pregnancy board after my loss as well. Even though I remained pregnant with Abby, I really felt as if I had loss both babies. It hurt so much to read about others seemingly normal and blissful pregnancies. In fact, my poor pregnancy board sort of shut down...and I think my loss was a bit of the reason. I think the ladies were trying to be so sensitive to me that they weren't doing the whole 'pregnancy whine/commiseration' thing...and so it just ended after we had our babies.

Eliza, I'm not sure if you're up for this or if you want to make this suggestion to one of the ladies more active on that board, but I had several very special things done for me from my message board friends. First, the pregnancy board and the infertility board that I frequented made a memorial button for Will to put on their siggies. Many of the women still have them, and it makes me feel so awesome when I see that. The infertility board also organized a fundraiser and bought Will a star and donated a gift card as well. We were so blown away by this generosity.

Lastly, they put together a picture project using Will's name spelled out with as many objects as they could think of and set it to music. We used the video at Will's memorial service. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yqGr9irMoU&feature=player_embedded

Loss happens so much more than we ever knew (until we experience it ourselves). I'm so sorry that your friend has had to experience this nightmare yet again.

They've already got a lot of that covered. They are good, lovely women. I just . . . it's not supposed to be like this. And no matter how much I remind myself it's not about deserving or good or fair or anything but random, bad luck, I want to scream about the unfairness of it all. Good people who would make good parents to living children, trying so hard.

This has totally cemented the decision to stop ttc for a few weeks. The second-hand horror of another loss is enough to remind me that I'm not ready to face that possibility again right now.

Oh Eliza- I am so sorry- not only for the woman who is enduring hell for yet a SECOND time but also to you for all that this brings up and for all that it changes in your life.

Life is hard- and so very fragile and unpredictable. We all have words for it- some of mine are expletives, some are words of beauty. When we enter this world of grieving we are cemented into a new reality- one that will never all ow us to see life in quite the manner again. Knowing that makes me realize that pregnancies after a loss (or pregnancy in general as I now see it) is such an unsure and delicate event. We never ever know what is going to happen, how it will all turn out or what will come of our lives. Even if a woman is so blessed to hear a cry at the end of pregnancy there is no guarantee that it will stay. This is the awful, hurtful and harsh reality of our world.

The only comfort I can find right now is community. The only people in the world who truly understand what this life is like or how to manage in it are those who live it themselves.

I hope you can reach out to your friend in some way- maybe ask another board member or administrator for her contact info? And then just tell you that you are there with here and that you care. The community alone will not fix anything for her as all of here know all too well. But it is something- and something is so much better than nothing.

eve- dear Lord that is amazing. Do you have it printed in a photo book as well? I am so very inspired.

Eliza, good I'm glad that the ladies are caring for her so much. I'm also sorry that this is making you feel more jittery about approaching another pregnancy. It's not fair that anyone should have to go through losing a baby once let alone more than once.

Leslie, I need to make a photo book for Will, as I have a lot of pictures to put in it (maternity photos after we lost him, his NILMDTS photos, etc). It will be a special book, but a HUGE grief task for me. We just had a garage sale this past weekend and sold a lot of the clothes that he was to inherit from his older brother. That was heart-wrenching. My son wants to watch the video a lot, but I have to limit him b/c I can only hear the song a few times before it just sends me in a downward spiral.

And yes, life is so very precious and delicate. It's a terrifying thought that I suppose I'm tryign to unlearn...though I feel it impossible to do so.

Much love friends,

Eve

It doesn't happen often- two loses like that.
I need you all to hear me- it doesn't happen often at all that you have a late loss.. and then another.
My fear was for my daughter- that THIS is what she would know of pregnancy (loss) and that even 5O+ Gs of therapy when she is grown up won't begin to help her relax in pregnancy. So I explained to her that this barely ever happens. (She smartly said, "then why did it happen to you twice mommy?). I told her to think of all of her friends, all of their parents, all of the people in New York- they were all BORN... and lived. And usually, even though none of you will be light hearted and carefree about it ever again, they live you know.

I'm so sorry for her and feeling super compassionate. It's pretty unbelievable really. Still, don't you stop in your tracks and say, "Really?!? is this really my life- a mother who lost her baby?" But many of you can try again- and in your sorrow and fear it still can and most likely will happen. And as strange as it sounds- as horrible as a second loss is- it is familiar sorrow. It is a double loss of a dream. It is twice as powerful that grief. You tend the fire, you finally wander to the light outside the woods and then, well, you turn back and you tend the coals a bit longer. Terrible. But in our darkest hours... it is strangely and eerily okay. A word to her if you can Eliza- that is so very powerful- one or two losses, boy or girl, 2nd or 3rd tri.... we are all babyloss moms.

I ramble. I think this one got to me. and I feel a need to calm everyone. sigh.

Oh Sooze... thank you. You are not rambling. I had an appt. with the perinate today. No answers of course- just an incredibly small (3rd percentile) placenta and other crap that still adds up to a big fat question mark. And we talked about the fear- next time. Very small chance he said- but I now hate statistics. And I trust them even less. But I am so glad for your comments because I know you are right- that the Dr. is right- but the voice in my head is screaming and drowning it all out.

Eve- when the time comes and you re ready to make the book it will be beautiful... I am certain of it.

Eliza, I am so sorry that this should happen to someone once, let alone twice. Of course, I immediately thought of you, Sooze. You have a beautiful way of putting things into perspective. I really have nothing more to say than it is incomprehensible and simply not fair. But do try to reach out, Eliza. We all know how lonely this road can be and I can imagine it being only lonelier when someone is traveling it for a second time.

So glad you got in touch with her Eliza......

Oh, that is terrible. I'm so glad you were able to get in touch with her. xoxox