Hi everyone- just wondering- who out there gor a new or additional tattoo after losing a baby? Were you/are you happy with it now? what did you get?

I am a very conservative mamma living in coastal SC (moderate in terms of views).
I have 2 tattoos already but they are hidden to the world- my lower back- a butterfly to which I will now ad Cullen's name and a heart with a bow on my lower belly/groin- looks awesome after 4 children (insert snort of sarcasm) but I couldn't care less.

So now I am thinking I need something more visible- or am I crazy? I am thinking simple- all of my children's names on my inner wrist running horizontal one on top of the other.

Tell me what you think.

I have one for our daughter....I have a tattoo of what I thought was the most personal piece of her that we got at the hospital; her foot print. If you like to see a picture of it feel free to email me.....it's her foot print with litlle stars and clouds surrounding the foot. It's very visible on my left shoulder. I just felt that need to have her always with us, and as a tribute to her on the side where my heart is; lies her footprint. This week on the 30th it will be 10 months that she is not here with us.

Paulina that sounds beautiful. I would love to see it. I cannot find an email for you- do you have a blog? If not try mine- I think I have a 'contact me'- otherwise just leave me a comment- it will not show your email publicly but I will see it in the backside.

http://cullensblessings.wordpress.com/

I feel more like myself now that I got my tattoo to honor my kids. Mine is of a tree (which symbolized Will who we planted a tree for in 2006 after he died) with a Tiger in it's roots (for, well- Tiger who was born still in 2009). There are two birds flying over the tree- that's my daughter Lucy who is 6 and my step son Matt who is 24. It feels really right to have it... to carry them with me.... and I can choose- it's on my upper back, pretty big, so I can show it or not. I can answer many ways when asked: It's in honor of my two sons who died. or A lot of thought and work went into the design to make it as meaningful as possible. or I carry all my of children with me. or I'm really happy with it.

I used the brave power of grief and clarity to get something I never would have before. And even though I am a bit back to the land of the living, I don't regret it for a second. It is my only tattoo. I love it.

If you want to see it you can go to my URL and it is part of my June 22 post- looks a little raw because it is literally right after the artist finished. I like that shot... It's all so raw and clear.

I say if you want it , get it. You are not crazy. You are not wrong. There are many ways to honor our children, to express our grief creativity. This is one.

light

This is my e-mail: ertsased22@yahoo.com send me your email and I can forward a few pics.

Paulina- I just emailed you.

Sooze- absolutely beautiful- breathtaking actually. I am trying to read your story on your blog but it only shows a paragraph- even after refreshing.
Seeing your tattoo makes me think this is so small now- but still i love it. I wonder if they could do a tiny butterfly by his name. Now I am just nervous about going somewhere that will do the best work. A bit hard in the south.
I wrote their names in pen just to get an idea- I like how I can simply turn my wrist and see them- at first I was going to do just Cullen's name but then realized how unfair that would be be to the others.
Today was a rough day- but this is something to think about and keep me from crying my eyes out- as I do almost every day now.

You know, I've been saying for ages I would, but I haven't yet. Really, it was for two reasons. One, I never felt right about his footprints, which was the plan for a long time. I couldn't pinpoint the uneasiness, but it was there. Two, I got a tattoo for the little baby we miscarried back in the day when we thought that was the worst possible thing. And I don't regret it, per se, but I think that if I had known, I'd have saved that spot for Gabriel. So waiting felt right.

I've now found the right idea for me - a piece I've wanted for awhile, but one that isn't necessarily transparent. It's going to be a sun. Gabe's birthdate will get worked in, but it's not really obvious, and I think at this point, that's what I want.

Yeah the foot prints are not for everyone, it's a very bold choice very personal. I have another tatt that represent my other two children; and eclipse. Since one was born at night time and the other was born in the morning. So it only felt natual to get one for Camila and the foot print it was. I like to read and respect how eveyone shows their love for their children in so many ways. My heart and prayers go out to all of you everytime I read your post have a great day :o)

Leslie,
My husband and I have been talking about tattoos for Otis since we were in the hospital and they were taking prints of his hands and feet. At the time, I "joked" that I wanted the nurse to press his inky hand over my heart and that I'd immediately drive to a tattoo salon to have it inked. And while that is not the one we ultimately decided upon, we are both planning tattoos.

Dandelions, on our inner wrist/arms (something so intimate about this spot, and yet it's somewhere I can easily see it, anytime, all the time). Otis was our "wish" and was symbolized by the dandelion from before he was conceived - last year on my birthday Erik gave me a dandelion necklace and a poem he wrote titled "the wish" - and Otis has been that wish ever since. We were gifted a set of dandelion dishes by someone who knew nothing about our dandelion boy, and Otis received a handpainted dandelion onesie from my best friend (who also knew nothing about the symbolism - she just loved it.) We also talked about dandelions at the memorial and asked all who came to make wishes on them and think of Otis whenever they can...

So we're planning a dandelion, kind of near the elbow, with the seeds being blown up towards the wrist. Most likely with a quote that a friend left for me the day he passed: "Stars have pushed aside to let him through...." and either his name or his initials. Maybe his birthdate.

It's a pretty detailed design, and most likely won't be small. I work in a fairly conservative field and am lucky that I'm in a heavily inked part of the United States so I doubt anyone will find fault - but other than my small sun on my ankle from my college days, this will be my only tattoo.

And Erik is planning a very similar, if not exact, design for himself. My brother is planning to get Otis' name on the inner "crook" of his elbow - because that's where Otis' head lay when my brother held him.

Hoping tomorrow brings you a sense of peace. Today felt like a bit of a respite for me, but undoubtedly that means tomorrow will be especially awful.

much love and care,
sarah

Eliza- if only we could back to that time when 'the bottom' was as low as we thought life could fall. A sun sounds beautiful- what a perfect tribute to a child who brought so much into your life even if only for a few brief moments.

Paulina the eclipse sounds beautiful as well- polar opposites intermingled in one of natures most mystical elements. I really like it.

Sarah- like I said last night I still can't believe how close our paths are to each other. That tattoo will be breathtaking- I just know it. Your husband sounds like a sweet man- we are very fortunate. Do you know the poem that line is from- the poem about Lincoln by James Oppenheim. I love that line.... I hope you out his name- I cannot imagine going a day without seeing Cullen's name- maybe that I why I want this tattoo on my wrist- to see it every day.

Funny how so many of us got those little rite of passage tattoos in college.

I sent an email to one of the tattoo shops here- I have a font I like so I sent them the layout but want to see if they can do it as small as I would like. They always want to make writing so big. But he (and my others) are my little ones and I would love to keep their names on the small side. I wonder if Cullen will grow where he is. There are so many viewpoints and opinions on what happens to children after death- especially about growing. It's heartbreaking to think that I cannot see him grow and develop- and I wonder every moment just where in the universe he is. I miss him to pieces.

I love everyone's ideas. Mark and I decided we were going to get matching tattoos soon after Will died (and we're so boring conservative...hehe). Mark plans to get Will's name tattooed around his ring finger under his wedding band. I think I am going to get mine on my foot...a place I can hide as I am in a professional field, but also not intimate enough of a place that I might be embarrassed to show it to other people.

As far as ideas...I think I may go with a 'linnaea' flower or 'twin flower' as it's called. That way, it won't be completely obvious the meaning at first glance (and maybe saving me from discussing Will's loss when I'm not up to it) but also is unique to who he was as a twin. There is also a flower called 'Sweet William'...so maybe I'll get something with both of those flowers.

Still figuring it out. I think a tattoo is a lovely way to remember our babies.

I think the thing that can be hard is determining how often you want to discuss it. I know Chris has a great post about his memorial tattoo for Silas. If I remember correctly, he talked about how it was a link to Silas and how he sort of expected it to be a gateway to talking about Silas, but he was surprised by how few people inquire. I know that very people comment on my tattoos (well, they are generally covered, but still, when they aren't). The most common question is not about meaning or symbolism but whether or not it hurt. Or if my chickie on my wrist is real - apparently a fair number people don't realize it's a permanent sort of thing.

I think footprints are awesome, but I realized after posting that at least a part of my hesitation was that I no longer feel the overhwelming need to talk about Gabe any longer. I think at first, I was so afraid that he would be gone and forgotten and nobody would remember. And now I know better, now I know how deeply impressed he is in my life and how wide his reach has been, how many lives have been touched by my tiny little boy, the urgency to work him into conversation doesn't exist any longer. He still is a part of my regular conversation; people who know me expect to hear mentions (and it sometimes causes confusion when I mention him and someone doesn't realize that he's passed away).

And the footprints would always lead directly to him in conversation. There would be no avoiding a mention of him. And worse - I know of people with memorial footprint tattoos who are frequently asked about them and the assumption is they are for a living child, which could be quite painful. I've had enough of unintentionally painful remarks on his footprints in the picture in my office to make me think twice about a tattoo.

But I think they are a beautiful option, and I *totally* understand that choice.

I would recommend, gently, that it's worth spending some time really thinking about any permanent memorial. I don't regret any of my tatts, but I know that the pieces I thought about the longest are the ones I am happiest with and most comfortable with. The piece I allowed the artist to change is still a fine piece, but I think I would have been better off thinking it over for a couple of weeks. And the chickie is cute and meaningful, but I think that a couple more months might have been to my benefit there (at least I probably would have had a different artist, grrrr). There is not necessarily a right moment or right time and if you have a design or piece there is nothing wrong with just doing it. I know that getting the chickie was a big moment of healing and moving on for me. I just also know that my feelings now are SO different from a year ago, and the piece I'm going to get done is very different and I think a better piece for me in the end.

Eve both flowers sound beautiful.

Eliza- so it was the chickie on your inner wrist that you got after the miscarriage I assume. What happened with the artist?

I hope your next piece will bring you nothing short of comfort and peace.

I am wrestling with what to do. I want Cullen's name visible. If not to the world definitely to me at any time (hence the inner wrist). Then I feel bad about not including my living children so I feel I need their names as well. Which the guy at tteh tat place says will take a lot of space- a lot more than I am comfortable with. Why on earth do they have to write so BIG when they do script. I do not get it. I need one of them t explain it to me. I just want the 4 names small- intimately tucked on my wrist so I can look at them whenever I want to.

My husband it not making it any easier. He does not like the location. Still feels it should go by the butterfly on my lower back.

BUT
THEN
I
CAN'T
SEE
IT

He doesn't' get it. Totally against the inner wrist. thinks it is not 'me'. Ugh.
decisions......

Cullen's baby book came today. I looked at the cover. It is beautiful- even more so than I thought it would be. I could not open it though. Not yet. But I will get there.

Leslie,

Much peace to you in getting Cullen's book. It's so hard when all we have are objects to remember our sweet ones and not them any longer. Eliza's suggestion to wait awhile seems to be ringing true for me with the tattoo. In fact, I think I may suggest to my hubby that we get them near the anniversary of Will's passing this coming January.

I so understand the dilemma about not having your living children on the tattoo. I mentioned this to my hubby once, and he said, "but Will's the one who died"...so I guess that's where we are with it.

The work of grief is exhausting...hang in there.

Eve

Leslie - yes the chickie was what I got after the miscarriage. We called the baby Chickadee and I had a little ticker counting down the weeks and the marker was a little baby chick. That's what I got done.

I can tell you why it needs to be bigger - precisely because of my experience with the chickie - smaller work can't be detailed. As skin stretches and loses elasticity, the details are lost. Small work necessarily can't be detailed and is more difficult to do well. After just 2 years, mine is a little off. Honestly, if I could redo it I probably would, and I'd make it a little bigger. The artist was ok, but he didn't fill it as well as I would have liked, and his advice about keeping it moisturized was bad advice. I should have gone by what the artist who did my others suggested, especially considering it was on my wrist. That area gets moved and stretched a lot, and by following his instructions, I let it get dried out, and it scabbed over, and didn't heal well. To anyone who knows tattoos, it's obvious what happened, because the color is a splotchy. I'm lucky I didn't lose more than I did. If I'd kept it more moisturized it would have healed better.

I just won't use that guy again. I need to call and see if there is someone who can meet with me soon, come to think of it.

I think it's difficult to know what to do when it comes to all your children and a memorial tattoo. My best suggestion is to meet with the artist and explain what you want. Ask them to draw up a couple of designs for you, explaining as thoroughly as you can what you want and why, and let them work with you to create the best piece, for the right area of your body. The wrist may not be a good place for script precisely because of the movement, healing problems. And you'll have to move a little ways down, because the skin right at the wrist is very thin.

Good luck, honey. This is such a big thing and so hard to do. There's no right or wrong to guide you, just trying to do the best you can and suss out what feels right.

Eliza- this helps so very much. After reading this and searching around on the internet I think I get it now- thank you for that because it was really frustrating me- the 'why not'.

I got a package today form a dear friend. In it were some books (incidentally ones I thought about purchasing), a beautiful angel figure, a huge baby blue blanket that I can literally wrap myself into like a huge warm and soft hug from Cullen, a precious coin of angel wings on one side and- gasp- his name on the reverse- I cried more than anything over that- it was SO precious to me that she had his name engraved on something- and finally a tiny thread bracelet with a tiny silver infinity symbol.

And it got me to thinking.

Maybe just one simple script letter C on my wrist (all of my children's name begin with C- if we are blessed with any more theirs will as well) with the infinity symbol in the middle of it. Maybe.

Then I could still get his name above the butterfly on my back. And all of my children will be represented- living and dead by the letter C and Cullen again with the butterfly.

It has definitely got me thinking....

It has been a few weeks and I just wanted to leave an update here-
I got three tattoos in the end and I absolutely love each one of them. I plan to add two more (can you hear my husband freaking out?)

I got a beautiful script letter C on my inner wrist. it represents all four of my children (as well as any we may be blessed with in the future) as all of their names begin with C.

I had the butterfly re-done on my back for Cullen and his name was placed below it. The colors in the wings represent each of my four children.

I plan to add a tree to my back and each of my three living children's names as well. Work in progress....

The pictures are up on the blog if you are interested...

Thank you for all of the advice and comments here- talking about it and thinking about it made me far more confident in the final decision- and in the end I couldn't be happier with it.