Do I have Living Children???? YES YES YES YES and YES. My oldest, is 15, followed by a 14 year old, then a 13 year old. I miscarried at 12 weeks. Then there is my 12 year old followed by my 10 year old. Just over a year ago, we were blessed with an unplanned but most welcomed pregnancy that because of a prolapsed cord during labor resulted in a stillborn birth of my daughter Helen. They took Helen via c-section in an attempt to save her life...it was too late, she was already gone. So here you have a family with a dad, mom and 5 kids excitedly anticipating the birth of a new member of the family. Talk about guilt. Sometimes I still feel like I let everyone down by not bringing a healthy LIVE baby into the world. We were able to donate her heart valves so that someone else's baby could live, but my baby died...but that's another story.

My husband had the horrible job of going to the house and telling the children the bad news and bringing them to the hospital. Each of my kids dealt with the death as uniquely as they are. There were lots of tears, of course. I encouraged the kids to hold and touch her. We took pictures of each of them holding Helen. Their sad faces in those photos say more than my words ever could. My eldest daughter became focused on her school work and on swimming as an escape. My oldest son battled with anger and rage. (He was going to share his room with the new baby). My younger son avoided talking and feeling. He would sneak into my room at night when the other kids were sleeping and we would talk and cry. My middle daughter talked openly about Helen's death. She faced it head on and articulated her feelings. My younger daughter escaped into play. She has a Barbie doll that has a removable pregnant belly with a baby inside. Sometimes in her play world the baby lives, and sometimes it dies.

As far as my dealing with the death, I decided that rather than "being strong" for the kids, I would teach them by example how to mourn and grieve. I encouraged them to cry when they needed to, and avoid the pain when they needed to. They saw me cry, they still see my cry when something triggers that spot in my heart.

The biggest challenge was finding the "alone time" where I could be with them one on one and help them through. I have special memories of the moments I shared with each of my living children. Another challenge was finding "alone time" with my husband, and by myself. This is always a challenge in a house as busy as ours is. But I found the early mornings to be my time. I would wake up before anyone in the house use that time for me alone. I would write in a journal, or just be still and think/pray. It was a good way to prepare for the constant giving of support to my kids and husband. It was good for my personal healing

We included the children in the planning of the funeral. We let them be as involved as they wanted to. My boys bravely carried the precious casket. One daughter read during the Mass, one lead a decade of the Rosery before mass, and my youngest helped select the readings. My eldest daughter went to the funeral parlor to help with the planning, my other two daughters went to the cemetary to help design the tombstone. I am so thankful for their involvement. I was at a point where making decisions was so difficult. It helped to assign jobs to the kids and have them make some of the decisions.

As a family we sought grief counselling as a group...just a couple of sessions. It helped to have an outsider to look at the dynamics of our family and see things that my husband and I were missing.

I felt so blessed to have had kids to go home to. They are the reason for my healing. I focused on them, and lived for them. They have pulled me through this dark path. I am so sorry to all of you who have no other babies to go home to after a tradgey of this nature. You are stronger than I could ever be; You are stronger than you know.

We are still very much in the early days of walking a new life- 9 days out. I feel like he was with me just a second ago.

My kids are all dealing with this differently. My oldest (5) has cried and says every day I miss the baby. I know it hurts him most when he sees me crying but I cannot hold it back from him because I don't think that would do him any benefit. My middle child is 3 and just wants a baby- she keeps asking when God will give us another baby. My 2 year old is just mad that his routine is completely disregarded and that his mamma is pretty much a ghost right now.

So I guess we are just trying to define our lives/family without Cullen. And it is awful.

I have made decisions though- positive ones I think (though right now I am not sure what that word even means- positive). I know that we will grieve together and not hide from it. We will have pictures of Cullen in our home now and for all of eternity. We will not banish his short life to a box- his picture will hang on my wall and sit on my shelves right next to his brothers and sister because he is very much one of them and he always will be. We will always speak his name and I will do everything in my power to make sure that my living children do not forget it. Forgetting is the awful evil terror that wakes me at night- we cannot ever forget- ever.
When people ask how many children we have the answer will always be four- hopefully someday it will be five. But for now most certainly it will be four.
His name will be on our Christmas cards- because he is a part of this family forever. From this year forward my last lines will be signed with love from (our living names) and will be followed with 'in memory of our beloved Cullen'. Always.
I will probably add to this list as the days weeks and months pass.

Right now though I am dealing with the constant worry of the WHAT IF for my living children. WHAT IF something happens to one of them. It's paralyzing.

Is that how it is- how it goes- you loose a baby and then, if you have living children, you start to enter a whole new world of panic about their lives- the WHAT IF zone. You enter it because you have entered a whole new world that you never knew existed before. In the old world babies and children don't die- that happens to 'other' people. Then you loose a baby and come face to face with the mind warping realization that not only has this WORST thing happened but dear God what if something more happens. What if there is yet another dimension of hell?
So I cling to them and stare at them and try to memorize them, LIke I did with Cullen when I held him. Like I do when I stare at his pictures. And I realize that the new world I inhabit is not just about Cullen- it's about my living children as well and I cry for all four of them and realize just how completely off course everything has gone- and I wonder how I will ever find my way down a new path- through all of this for all of us.

Yes. I have 4.

And it is exhausting - they are 12,10,8 and 5 and they were so excited. Watching them grieve and work through the fear and pain and shock and bewilderment has been terrible - and also, curiously amazing - I'm so proud of them, so inspired by them and so horrified to have brought this on them because of what I wanted. That one extra baby.

There is no opportunity to retreat to bed for 6 months, or cry on the sofa, or fully hurl myself at the loss of Freddie - I'm bound by motherhood to stand up, get on, be someone to follow, show them that life is for living. It's both a blessing and a curse.

And yes, I regularly feel guilty, not just for mentioning them and not just for having them but also because really and truly I know that it IS easier to put my beautiful little boys loss down to experience, because yes, I would choose losing him over losing one of the ones I watch grew as well as felt grow. And because I have them to distract me and to keep me going. And because, h my god, this would be so much worse if I didn't have them.

But I also know exactly what I've lost, I know a person, not a baby, has gone, and I know we've all lost innocence and joy because of it. And my 4 girls will go into labour with their own babies knowing brutally and truly that not all babies come home. I know what I should be doing with him now, 5 months old, I know I chose to withdraw care from a person, not an idea or even a beginning. One day I will have to say honestly to my girls that yes, I had a choice, and I chose certain death.

It is intolerable.

The pps have said so beautifully many things I would have also said.
I have five living children, four before Florence, and our rainbow Ernest who is coming up to nine weeks.
Honestly right now I'm struggling to navigate parenting *all* of my children. I wrestle daily with the "what ifs", and knowing that Ernest would most likely never have existed if it were not for Florence dying...well that tears me apart.
My eight year old even asked me the other day if I would prefer Florence to be here or Ernest...of course I just want them both. Seeing his face when he realised what he was asking..heartbreak.
Like Merry I'm so proud of my older children and how they have so far processed Florence's death. I hate though that they know such grief, and also like Merry I hate that I have spoiled their future when they come to have children, and know only too well how it's not all happy endings with a living child.
x

I have my Lucy who is 6. It's the three of us- that's nice. Three is the perfect number...isn't it?

And I look around the dinner table and see the empty seats- Will's seat next to Lucy (they should be fighting and playing- less than 2 years apart) and Tiger's seat- his booster that he should be sitting in as a13 months old.... and that's how I know.. we are not complete here. Where is the banter? Who will understand Lucy's anger at us or who will remember with her? 1/2 of her family gone before it grew up.

I was watching Modern Family last night- I friggin' love that show. And at the end, the family was walking down the street together the three kids making fun of their parents and I laughed into deep sobs. Where is the banter of children in my house? Why are my boys a tree tp visit and a children's book fund? How is my daughter growing up as an only child? How is it that she knows that babies can die... that it happened twice to us?

Now she is so used to being the only one at home that she is resistant to our adopting. We can work on that- she'll come around. Everything can be worked out. But her brothers died- they just did and that will always be a part of her story.

Our life is moving on... I can't conceive again safely.... so we are moving on and I feel really sad about that. It's just too quiet. Even when it's not.

Oh sooze- have you shared your story here or on a blog? I am new here and just wondering.

That is so funny, that you mention the Modern Family scene, Sooze. I had almost the same thoughts, but since yesterday was a day where I wasn't feeling too bad, I let it go, as fast as the sadness appeared.

I had a loss before a living child, and a loss after. After M died, my first, I wondered how people with living children were doing it. Because I got to cry when I wanted to cry, get in the computer to speak with others like me when I wanted, not go somewhere when I could not face the world, etc. etc. While I love that my living daughter, A, keeps me getting up and moving in some ways, it is so so hard to parent and grieve at the same time. At least, for me. I often feel not totally "present" in the moment with her, and I fear I will look back at the memories of her 2 year old self, just remembering how sad I was and not enjoying it as much as I should have. This especially pains me as she will probably be an only after all, and this is the only 2 year old I will ever get to experience. I often feel like I can't win. I sometimes think I am more impatient with her due to my grief, and yet, feel even guilter for being impatient. I mean, shouldn't I just be jumping with joy every second with her, knowing the alternative? So....it is tough.

brokenheartdiaries.blogspot.com

ms. g I was just reading your blog a few hours ago and here you are. How do you do it mamma? twice- it takes my breath away. Especially because we plan to try immediately for another- and that is going to be insanity- I already know it. 4 c-sections down the road I wonder where on earth I will be a year from now- it's frightening to imagine because I might be in the exact same place again.

I have two living children. My son is 2 1/2 and my survivor is 16months. Her twin sister passed to heaven 20 hours after birth. I am doing better now but in the begining I had a very hard time holding my survivor or interacting with her at all. She is an identical twin so I look at her and see her sister everyday. I will never have to wonder what she would have looked like, I look at her everyday. I will never know who she would have been, and this hurts.
We have her picture up all over the house. My son doesn't seem to understand yet he always thinks it is pictures of his living sister. I explain it to him often, I know he will understand someday.

I have two as well. My son is 4 and my surviving twin is 5 months old...her brother, Will was born stillborn with her after we learned we lost him at nearly 7 months in the pregnancy. Eliza, thanks for the invitation again. I feel horrendously guilty posting here as I have my surviving infant. I have peeked in on so many of you throughout these past months and care so much for you all.

This weekend was a very hard and sad weekend for me. We had a garage sale which signifed many things: the fact that I will be having no more children, selling my older son's clothes and the memories attached, and knowing that these clothes were supposed to be Will's. I also sold the crib set that was to be for Will.

And then yesterday I went to a babyshower. I made it through without crying until we got home...and then I just lost it. I had a good cleansing cry. People so easily forget a stillborn baby. I think it's very easy to forget Will as I have his twin, Abby...and I think the people in my real life don't realize how much baby things still hurt.

Much love to you all.

Thinking of you Eve- I don't know how you made it through a baby shower. I have certainly written them off indefinitely...

I have a little boy who just turned three. Thankfully he is really too young to know much about the baby we lost, and he has not really asked any questions. I too feel like I am not always "present" with him, and it scares me so bad. What if he is all I get? I love him so much, and I want to be there with him always, but sometimes I do just need some alone time, to grieve for what we have lost. It tears me up when I see other kids with their brothers and sisters, and I wonder if we will ever have that, or if we do, if the kids will be so far apart in age that they won't even really know each other. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be better for him if I just gave up, and decided to concentrate my love and energy solely on him.

To sum up, I'm not sure I'm doing that great a job with coping. But I'm doing my best.

Oh Keely I wish there was some easy answer for you.. for all of your questions. Only you can answer those questions though you have a big support group of mammas with living children here if you want to ask.
Keep breathing- I know I find it hard myself these days.
I hope that eventually the answers may come to you and bring you peace.

I've been wanting to post to this thread for a while... I'm sorry I am just getting around to it now.

My girls were 2 and 4 1/2 when we lost their sister. The little one didn't have a clue what was going on (although she slept terribly after the loss, which was, I believe, a product of her sensing the stress and grief in the house). My older one, who is a very sensitive and perceptive kid, was remarkably pragmatic about the whole thing. She understood that the baby that had been in my belly was gone and she asked questions, but she wasn't sad about it herself. She would, at times, tell me that it was okay for me to cry, which was helpful yet painful all at once. I also have the chant "you have two healthy kids... why would you risk it again" running through my head. It is a confusing place to be.

I was fortunate because my mom stayed with us for a month after the loss. I spent most of my time in bed crying, sleeping or reading books about pregnancy loss. I still feel tremendous guilt for the fact that I essentially vanished from my kids' lives, but I can also be gentle with myself because I recognize that I was just a shattered shell of a person for a while.

For us, the biggest fallout with respect to already having living children is the role they play in our decision to try to have another baby. Honestly, I am afraid of what my stress, anxiety, etc., even under the best of circumstances, will mean to them. I feel like I have already missed so much with them and, now that I am 10 months out and a reasonable proximity of the mother I used to be, I don't want to risk that happening again.