for one and all > New to the woods and very lost
Hello Leslie, I am so very sorry. I'm glad that you have found us here but so very sad that you have need of this place. My heart breaks for you and for your family. I also find it hard to speak about the death of my daughter in real life but it has helped me a great deal to write about her.
You aren't alone. Please come here to talk as often as you need to, these early days are so very, very painful.
You aren't alone. Please come here to talk as often as you need to, these early days are so very, very painful.
September 20, 2010 |
Catherine W
Catherine W
Hi Leslie.. welcome, welcome. Though I hate that you have to be here, too.
You *are* doing a great job. Anything beyond getting out of bed qualifies as a great job. So close to bringing your little boy home to meet his family - that's a cruel, sad, random belting. Thanks very much, universe, for punishing yet another lovely mother in the worst way, for no crime at all.
Would you like to tell us what happened? Someone here will recognise part of your story, and they may be able to help you in a specific way. The rest of us have non-specific ears and a never-ending store of virtual hugs..
I'm so sorry it hurts you to breathe. I've found, crying so hard that you literally retch can actually bring on some relief. So don't be afraid to put your little ones to bed, shut the door on the world, and let out your love and grief for your beautiful baby. We're here for you. We'll watch over you.
You *are* doing a great job. Anything beyond getting out of bed qualifies as a great job. So close to bringing your little boy home to meet his family - that's a cruel, sad, random belting. Thanks very much, universe, for punishing yet another lovely mother in the worst way, for no crime at all.
Would you like to tell us what happened? Someone here will recognise part of your story, and they may be able to help you in a specific way. The rest of us have non-specific ears and a never-ending store of virtual hugs..
I'm so sorry it hurts you to breathe. I've found, crying so hard that you literally retch can actually bring on some relief. So don't be afraid to put your little ones to bed, shut the door on the world, and let out your love and grief for your beautiful baby. We're here for you. We'll watch over you.
September 20, 2010 |
moops
moops
Leslie, I am so sad that you are here, but glad that you found us. I hate that anyone has to come to these woods... I cry every time I read a post from a newly heartbroken mother. You will be in good company here, however. There is a comfort in knowing that each of us was not the only one to suffer this horrible loss.
As moops said, you are doing a great job. Nothing is more exhausting than grief. Just be gentle with yourself.
If you ever want to tell us about your son, we are here to listen. I am so very sorry that he can't be here with you and your family.
As moops said, you are doing a great job. Nothing is more exhausting than grief. Just be gentle with yourself.
If you ever want to tell us about your son, we are here to listen. I am so very sorry that he can't be here with you and your family.
September 20, 2010 |
Steph
Steph
Hi Leslie - as the others have said, we are sorry you are here, and very glad you've found us. The gathering of babylost is a mixed thing - sadness and grief tinged with relief and exhalation, to know we aren't alone.
Please sit with us and let us know how we can help you. These early days as the shock begins to wear off are hard. All you need to do right now is focus on breathing, one breath at a time. There are a number of women here who already had children - please don't hesitate to ask about their experiences in grief with little ones.
Love to you, and hopefully a few moments of peace as well.
Please sit with us and let us know how we can help you. These early days as the shock begins to wear off are hard. All you need to do right now is focus on breathing, one breath at a time. There are a number of women here who already had children - please don't hesitate to ask about their experiences in grief with little ones.
Love to you, and hopefully a few moments of peace as well.
September 20, 2010 |
eliza
eliza
Thank you Steph moops and Catherine.
It so sucks that we are here like this. How do we EVER learn to function again?
I have to post Cullen's story on my blog- I have been writing it in my paper journal and need to finish it but brevity is not my forte.
He is our 4th child- we conceived him in January 2010 after two early miscarriages in August 2009 and then October 2009. I had three healthy children with no problems other than a very severe HELLP syndrome with my first child. he was born at 36 weeks and other than being tiny he was perfect. My daughter and another son followed about 18 months apart from each other. Then we started trying for what was planned to be our 4th and last child. Who the hell knew what was coming.
The 2 m/c's were awful- I thought that was the lowest I could get in my life. WRONG.
I struggled for a few months on suffering and getting PG as quickly as possible. After the 2nd m/c I gave my body a cycle in between on the hopes that we would not m/c again. Then in January we found Cullen beating away inside me. The first few weeks were hard but I honestly thought that after 12 weeks I was good. Solid. Golden. Made it through the dangerous zone and was now free and clear- i would have a 4th child and all would be well with the world. WRONG AGIAN.
The pregnancy was great- no problems- nothing. This was the first since my 1st that I did not get monitored by a perinatologist- stupid of me- so stupid.
All was well until a few weeks ago. In the 1st week of Sept. I felt like he was not moving as much so I went to the OB and did an NST. It took two for him to pass but he did pass and his heart rate was around 156- where it had been the whole time- so I completely thought I was overreacting. WRONG.
I went home chased 3 kids and got wrapped up in life, reading and not paying attention. I will live forever with the fact that that I did not pay attention to his movements. Forever.
By Sept. 10th I FINALLY paid attention and noticed that what I though were his movements were really like swoops and gurgles back and forth. So I pulled out the doppler I had not used in ages and tried to find his HB but couldn't. Called the ob- they had me come in and the whole time I totally though I was STILL overreacting. Hooked up to the NST nothing. Doppler Nothing. So the OB took me to the U/S. Nothing. And then the screaming began. Howling and screaming and pain that I will never let go of for the rest of my life.
We went home and planned to go to the hospital the next morning for the C-section. I have never been in labor. My 1st was an emergency C and after that my OB who was a big proponent of VBAC just did not feel it was worth the risk to my health. He was and amazing OB- he delivered #2 and 3 then we moved so I have a new OB now. Cullen's OB.
So on Sept. 11th we went in and he was delivered via c-section. He was perfect- every bit of him so beautiful and so completely amazing. We held him for almost two days while I was in the hospital. He slept with us at night and letting him go for his cremation was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
The rest is madness- my loss of my old life and move in to this new life without one of my children. I started a blog after I found Glow and Janis' blog. These 2 places have been my only source of comfort in the last 9 days.
Right now I am enjoying(?) isolation. I haven't left the house- barely left my room. My husband and mom have been caring for my three living children who love to look at pictures of their baby brother. My only regret with them is that I did not have them come and hold him. I should have done that. I know I have to get up each day for my kids but now while I have people here to help I am just letting everything be.
It so sucks that we are here like this. How do we EVER learn to function again?
I have to post Cullen's story on my blog- I have been writing it in my paper journal and need to finish it but brevity is not my forte.
He is our 4th child- we conceived him in January 2010 after two early miscarriages in August 2009 and then October 2009. I had three healthy children with no problems other than a very severe HELLP syndrome with my first child. he was born at 36 weeks and other than being tiny he was perfect. My daughter and another son followed about 18 months apart from each other. Then we started trying for what was planned to be our 4th and last child. Who the hell knew what was coming.
The 2 m/c's were awful- I thought that was the lowest I could get in my life. WRONG.
I struggled for a few months on suffering and getting PG as quickly as possible. After the 2nd m/c I gave my body a cycle in between on the hopes that we would not m/c again. Then in January we found Cullen beating away inside me. The first few weeks were hard but I honestly thought that after 12 weeks I was good. Solid. Golden. Made it through the dangerous zone and was now free and clear- i would have a 4th child and all would be well with the world. WRONG AGIAN.
The pregnancy was great- no problems- nothing. This was the first since my 1st that I did not get monitored by a perinatologist- stupid of me- so stupid.
All was well until a few weeks ago. In the 1st week of Sept. I felt like he was not moving as much so I went to the OB and did an NST. It took two for him to pass but he did pass and his heart rate was around 156- where it had been the whole time- so I completely thought I was overreacting. WRONG.
I went home chased 3 kids and got wrapped up in life, reading and not paying attention. I will live forever with the fact that that I did not pay attention to his movements. Forever.
By Sept. 10th I FINALLY paid attention and noticed that what I though were his movements were really like swoops and gurgles back and forth. So I pulled out the doppler I had not used in ages and tried to find his HB but couldn't. Called the ob- they had me come in and the whole time I totally though I was STILL overreacting. Hooked up to the NST nothing. Doppler Nothing. So the OB took me to the U/S. Nothing. And then the screaming began. Howling and screaming and pain that I will never let go of for the rest of my life.
We went home and planned to go to the hospital the next morning for the C-section. I have never been in labor. My 1st was an emergency C and after that my OB who was a big proponent of VBAC just did not feel it was worth the risk to my health. He was and amazing OB- he delivered #2 and 3 then we moved so I have a new OB now. Cullen's OB.
So on Sept. 11th we went in and he was delivered via c-section. He was perfect- every bit of him so beautiful and so completely amazing. We held him for almost two days while I was in the hospital. He slept with us at night and letting him go for his cremation was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
The rest is madness- my loss of my old life and move in to this new life without one of my children. I started a blog after I found Glow and Janis' blog. These 2 places have been my only source of comfort in the last 9 days.
Right now I am enjoying(?) isolation. I haven't left the house- barely left my room. My husband and mom have been caring for my three living children who love to look at pictures of their baby brother. My only regret with them is that I did not have them come and hold him. I should have done that. I know I have to get up each day for my kids but now while I have people here to help I am just letting everything be.
September 20, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
eliza- is there a way to connect with the parents who have living children as well? I have gotten through a lot of the blog posts on the main page and will look back at the posts here in the forum. LMK- thanks
September 20, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Hi, Leslie, I am just so sorry. There are no words. Even as a babylost mama, I think sometimes there are no words. But I can listen, whenever you need. Janis is such an amazing woman. Her writing is some of the first that I exclaimed out loud about. My biggest regret too is that my older daughter didn't come to the hospital. You just face so many terrible questions you never pondered before. I just couldn't be on parenting duty right then, still waiting to birth my daughter and grieving, in shock....you know. I know you know.
Anyway, I am a regular contributor here at Glow in the Woods, and have my own blog(s). I lost my second child and can send you a list of amazing writers with older children if you would like. I also have read some good books for older children and can help with any questions you have.
I'll be thinking of you and am here if you need. xo.
Anyway, I am a regular contributor here at Glow in the Woods, and have my own blog(s). I lost my second child and can send you a list of amazing writers with older children if you would like. I also have read some good books for older children and can help with any questions you have.
I'll be thinking of you and am here if you need. xo.
September 20, 2010 |
Angie
Angie
Leslie, I'm so sorry that you're here and that you lost your beautiful son Cullen.
I haven't posted much of my story here (or at least, not all in one place) but I lost my second child, a girl named Pearl, on June 5th (cord accident at 36 weeks). Like you, I went in because I was worried about movement and found out that her heart had stopped beating. There are no words for the shock and pain brought on by that news.
My son is two and a half, and I've been determined to help him through this as best I can (because, yes, he's here and he needs me). How old are your oldest three?
I've also found that the best way to deal with this grief is to meet it head on. Like moops said, sometimes that awful sobbing brings peace. Strange as that may seem.
Sending you so much love. The early days are absolutely brutal, and I hate that this happened to you too.
I haven't posted much of my story here (or at least, not all in one place) but I lost my second child, a girl named Pearl, on June 5th (cord accident at 36 weeks). Like you, I went in because I was worried about movement and found out that her heart had stopped beating. There are no words for the shock and pain brought on by that news.
My son is two and a half, and I've been determined to help him through this as best I can (because, yes, he's here and he needs me). How old are your oldest three?
I've also found that the best way to deal with this grief is to meet it head on. Like moops said, sometimes that awful sobbing brings peace. Strange as that may seem.
Sending you so much love. The early days are absolutely brutal, and I hate that this happened to you too.
September 20, 2010 |
M
M
Leslie - Definitely take Angie up on her offer. Another thing which may be of use is this list:
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/loss-room/
It makes note of those who have experienced loss and have living children. Additionally, you can link from there to LFCA (Lost, Found, Connections Abound) and reach out there to help find others in your situation.
And sweet heart, I am aching for you. I experienced several miscarriages prior to getting pregnant with Gabriel and I too thought that was the lowest. And then Gabriel - so perfect. We had so many problems in our pregnancy, but he was always perfect, and then he was born and it was far, far too early. I tormented myself for months about every single thing I ought to have done differently in regards to his birth because I knew, I KNEW it was my fault. I was his mother, my body failed and if I'd only gone in sooner or insisted on a second opinion or never saw that midwife, or or or. . .
Be gentle with yourself, dear one. It is hard not to cast blame, particularly on ourselves. That idea of maternal intuition, of being the lifeline, we ought to have known before and done something. But we have no way of knowing except through hindsight, no way of telling the future or stopping it in tracks.
I hate that this has happened.
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/loss-room/
It makes note of those who have experienced loss and have living children. Additionally, you can link from there to LFCA (Lost, Found, Connections Abound) and reach out there to help find others in your situation.
And sweet heart, I am aching for you. I experienced several miscarriages prior to getting pregnant with Gabriel and I too thought that was the lowest. And then Gabriel - so perfect. We had so many problems in our pregnancy, but he was always perfect, and then he was born and it was far, far too early. I tormented myself for months about every single thing I ought to have done differently in regards to his birth because I knew, I KNEW it was my fault. I was his mother, my body failed and if I'd only gone in sooner or insisted on a second opinion or never saw that midwife, or or or. . .
Be gentle with yourself, dear one. It is hard not to cast blame, particularly on ourselves. That idea of maternal intuition, of being the lifeline, we ought to have known before and done something. But we have no way of knowing except through hindsight, no way of telling the future or stopping it in tracks.
I hate that this has happened.
September 20, 2010 |
eliza
eliza
Angie- thank you so much for the offer- I will head over to your blog and go through your contact link so you can send me the info. I am starting to connect who people are in this "world". You paint the jizos in your etsy shop right? I found your shop a few days ago when looking for a jizo for Cullen. Your paintings are very beautiful.
M- My heart breaks for you mamma. For all of us- for the fact that places like this even have to exist at all. My kids are 5, 3.5 and 2. The oldest is having a rough time- he gets it. he has cried and says he misses the baby. I thin he misses his old mamma too. He knows how different I am now and I know that it makes it more difficult. Does your son understand what happened? I am not sure my 2 year old does- I think he is just incredibly mad that his world/routine has changed so much in 9 days. Then of course there is the isolated mamma thing...
I agree and am in the belief that my kids need to see the grieving process- i have not tried to hide my tears form them. I think it would be impossible with how many times a day I cry. I do try to talk and discuss it with them- explain why we are so sad. My 3 year old keeps asking when we will have another baby. She knows Cullen is gone and wants very much to have another sibling. We tell her we hope soon.. and man do I hope soon. I have never been a patient person.
Eliza- thank you for the link. It sounds like you know all to well my new wardrobe of regret and what if's. I doubt they will ever be gone- my head is pounding with the thoughts all of the time. Does it ever dull out for you?
M- My heart breaks for you mamma. For all of us- for the fact that places like this even have to exist at all. My kids are 5, 3.5 and 2. The oldest is having a rough time- he gets it. he has cried and says he misses the baby. I thin he misses his old mamma too. He knows how different I am now and I know that it makes it more difficult. Does your son understand what happened? I am not sure my 2 year old does- I think he is just incredibly mad that his world/routine has changed so much in 9 days. Then of course there is the isolated mamma thing...
I agree and am in the belief that my kids need to see the grieving process- i have not tried to hide my tears form them. I think it would be impossible with how many times a day I cry. I do try to talk and discuss it with them- explain why we are so sad. My 3 year old keeps asking when we will have another baby. She knows Cullen is gone and wants very much to have another sibling. We tell her we hope soon.. and man do I hope soon. I have never been a patient person.
Eliza- thank you for the link. It sounds like you know all to well my new wardrobe of regret and what if's. I doubt they will ever be gone- my head is pounding with the thoughts all of the time. Does it ever dull out for you?
September 20, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
It has, yes. It's been a year and almost a month since we lost Gabe. It took a long time. And I think sometimes feeling guilt helps us process. There will certainly be regrets and what-ifs. How else can we start to understand the enormity of it all? I think we search for meaning, for a way to stop time and turn it back.
I think getting some distance in terms of time has allowed it mellow out some. There just came a point for me when to continue to feel it all required active effort on my part. Time is the lens that allows us to view things more indifferently and with a broader perspective. But there is no way to speed it up to get that place. It's perhaps one of the worst things about grief. You can't get around it, you can't skip over it. You have to go through it. And it hurts, and at times it's overwhelming and sometimes you just want to scream or be done with it.
But eventually you reach an equilibrium and can float and not always be treading water or drowning. And then you can begin to swim again. Until that happens though - be kind. Just take it one moment at a time, and get through this breath, then the next. That is the best you can do in the early days.
I think getting some distance in terms of time has allowed it mellow out some. There just came a point for me when to continue to feel it all required active effort on my part. Time is the lens that allows us to view things more indifferently and with a broader perspective. But there is no way to speed it up to get that place. It's perhaps one of the worst things about grief. You can't get around it, you can't skip over it. You have to go through it. And it hurts, and at times it's overwhelming and sometimes you just want to scream or be done with it.
But eventually you reach an equilibrium and can float and not always be treading water or drowning. And then you can begin to swim again. Until that happens though - be kind. Just take it one moment at a time, and get through this breath, then the next. That is the best you can do in the early days.
September 20, 2010 |
eliza
eliza
Everyone has already said what I would say, but I want to add one more voice to the comforters. I am here, I am listening, and I am sorry for the loss of your sweet Cullen. The early days are so very hard. My daughter was my first so I don't know what it is to mourn while trying to manage other children. I am glad there are people around you, taking care of you, and the children. Thinking of you and sending love.
September 20, 2010 |
Angela
Angela
I think I have been searching for the fast forward button (or the rewind button) since the moment I hit the ultrasound table.
I've looked at pictures of me 'before' and I almost want to go back to different points in my life and whisper to myself- hold on girl- this is gonna be one seriously crazy ride.
Crazy right? Ahh my new normal....
I've looked at pictures of me 'before' and I almost want to go back to different points in my life and whisper to myself- hold on girl- this is gonna be one seriously crazy ride.
Crazy right? Ahh my new normal....
September 20, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Blessings to you too Angela. One of my nurses last week was named Angela- she was so kind and compassionate (they all were I was very fortunate). She was quiet and treaded lightly- after helping me shower on Monday she stayed in the room and started to talk. She told me she wanted to let me know that she knew what I was going through. She had lost her first child- a daughter- full term. She went on to have 3 boys but her daughter is a part of her always. I cried and we hugged- I was so lucky to know someone who 'got it' so early in this mess. She handled my discharge- as I was leaving I asked her what her daughters name was- Angela Rose- after herself. And I told her I hoped that Angela was showing Cullen around.
Sweet babies....
Sweet babies....
September 20, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Leslie, I'm so very glad you had compassionate care and a nurse who had been through what you've just been through. I will never forget the impact of the single compassionate person in the hospital. To this day, I can still feel her hands stroking my hair while I wept, and the kindness that poured off her.
There is, for me, a great deal of appeal and comfort in the idea of our babies meeting and playing together. Several of my friends - even those who don't believe in an afterlife or in spirits - have told me that they've felt Gabe's presence around them at times. They were hesitant to say so at first, but I adore that, the idea that Gabriel is out there looking out for people, still near us.
I do indeed hope that Angela is with Cullen.
There is, for me, a great deal of appeal and comfort in the idea of our babies meeting and playing together. Several of my friends - even those who don't believe in an afterlife or in spirits - have told me that they've felt Gabe's presence around them at times. They were hesitant to say so at first, but I adore that, the idea that Gabriel is out there looking out for people, still near us.
I do indeed hope that Angela is with Cullen.
September 20, 2010 |
eliza
eliza
Leslie, I'm just so sorry about Cullen. It breaks my heart to hear of another loss. A very sad welcome and I just wish you never had to be here, but am glad that you found GITW. The friendships I have made online with other babylost mamas are what got me through the early days and 2 years later, I still rely on them for a vent or an understanding nod.
My heart is heavy for you and I am sending you much love and strength to get through the early days. Be gentle with yourself. xoxo
My heart is heavy for you and I am sending you much love and strength to get through the early days. Be gentle with yourself. xoxo
September 21, 2010 |
Monique
Monique
Eliza- I think Janis has written about that feeling as well and about other people saying that Ferdinand has come to them in dreams. I am trying to feel Cullen every moment of every day. It's like a never ending search for comfort. I kiss his urn and whisper to him...
Last nigh when I went to bed I prayed/wished/asked for him to come to me in my dreams- oh how I want SO very much to see him there in all of his sweet and delicate beauty. I will ask for this every night....
Monique- thank you so much. If there is any comfort right now it is in community like this because really we are the only ones who truly understand what this like. Love to you as well. and Thank you.
Last nigh when I went to bed I prayed/wished/asked for him to come to me in my dreams- oh how I want SO very much to see him there in all of his sweet and delicate beauty. I will ask for this every night....
Monique- thank you so much. If there is any comfort right now it is in community like this because really we are the only ones who truly understand what this like. Love to you as well. and Thank you.
September 21, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Leslie, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Cullen. It is so unfair, but I'm glad you've found this place.
How is your husband dealing with it all?
I can tell you that 6 months out it does get easier, but slowly and its a back and forth thing. Last month was hell, this month is better. Day by day you will move through your grief and find your new normal. And crazy is sometimes part of it.
Are you planning on holding a memorial to celebrate Cullen's life and all that he touched? I can say it helped give us some closure when we held Foster's memorial.
I hope you don't mind the questions, but I get your ache. I get it so so so much.
Sending love to your whole family,
Sarah H
How is your husband dealing with it all?
I can tell you that 6 months out it does get easier, but slowly and its a back and forth thing. Last month was hell, this month is better. Day by day you will move through your grief and find your new normal. And crazy is sometimes part of it.
Are you planning on holding a memorial to celebrate Cullen's life and all that he touched? I can say it helped give us some closure when we held Foster's memorial.
I hope you don't mind the questions, but I get your ache. I get it so so so much.
Sending love to your whole family,
Sarah H
September 21, 2010 |
Sarah H
Sarah H
Hi Sarah and thank you so much for your kind words. I do not mind the questions at all- "talking" to those who understand is my only comfort right now. You are 6 months out- I can't even begin to imagine getting there yet.... I am so sorry for you as well. My heart aches for all of us- it is just so completely unfair.
When was Foster's memorial?
My husband has been amazing- a rock. He does everything while I lie in bed. He takes care of the kids, the house all of it. And I know he is grieving as well. How is yours?
We had a small memorial on the Friday following his death. It was in a beautiful service in the prayer room of our church which is heavily draped with beautiful wood and leather sitting areas. We had my mom, our pastor and a deacon along with 6 friends. My dad, sister and brother really wanted to be there but I just felt as though I could not handle so many people around me at the time so I asked them to wait (hormones). I fell really bad- as though I prevented them for participating- I know I should have let it be but I will try to involve them in something in the future.
I am so sorry that you get the ache- I hate that for you- for all of us.
Tonight I am working on his birth/death announcement. Did anyone else send them out?
When was Foster's memorial?
My husband has been amazing- a rock. He does everything while I lie in bed. He takes care of the kids, the house all of it. And I know he is grieving as well. How is yours?
We had a small memorial on the Friday following his death. It was in a beautiful service in the prayer room of our church which is heavily draped with beautiful wood and leather sitting areas. We had my mom, our pastor and a deacon along with 6 friends. My dad, sister and brother really wanted to be there but I just felt as though I could not handle so many people around me at the time so I asked them to wait (hormones). I fell really bad- as though I prevented them for participating- I know I should have let it be but I will try to involve them in something in the future.
I am so sorry that you get the ache- I hate that for you- for all of us.
Tonight I am working on his birth/death announcement. Did anyone else send them out?
September 21, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
I am so sorry. I remember those first days well. Thinking of you.
September 22, 2010 |
Merry
Merry
Hi Leslie,
My heart aches for you, with an all too familiar ache and grief. We lost our son Otis on September 13, just a short 36 hours after I gave birth. I hate that we are here together.
with care,
sarah
My heart aches for you, with an all too familiar ache and grief. We lost our son Otis on September 13, just a short 36 hours after I gave birth. I hate that we are here together.
with care,
sarah
September 23, 2010 |
Sarah
Sarah
Sarah, I'm so sorry about your Otis. I absolutely love his name, and I'm heartbroken for you and your family that he's not here.
Leslie, I haven't sent announcements, but I've been working on them and brainstorming and trying to figure out what to do about them for the last 3 1/2 months. At this point, I have all the pieces, I just need to put them together. Our daughter's name was Pearl, and I found some small freshwater pearls that I'll be attaching (somehow?) to the shiny light gold cards that I bought a few weeks after she died. I want all the people who love us and were nice after we lost her to have some small reminder of her - they can tuck the pearl into their wallet, string it onto one of their necklaces, or just set it aside somewhere where they might stumble upon it. On the front of the card I'll type her name with an old cursive typewriter, next to her birthday, the day that she was stillborn.
Sorry for the super long explanation, obviously I've been thinking about these cards a lot. Maybe that's not even the kind of thing you're talking about. What are you thinking about doing?
Leslie, I haven't sent announcements, but I've been working on them and brainstorming and trying to figure out what to do about them for the last 3 1/2 months. At this point, I have all the pieces, I just need to put them together. Our daughter's name was Pearl, and I found some small freshwater pearls that I'll be attaching (somehow?) to the shiny light gold cards that I bought a few weeks after she died. I want all the people who love us and were nice after we lost her to have some small reminder of her - they can tuck the pearl into their wallet, string it onto one of their necklaces, or just set it aside somewhere where they might stumble upon it. On the front of the card I'll type her name with an old cursive typewriter, next to her birthday, the day that she was stillborn.
Sorry for the super long explanation, obviously I've been thinking about these cards a lot. Maybe that's not even the kind of thing you're talking about. What are you thinking about doing?
September 23, 2010 |
M
M
Sarah I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your Otis. You and I share a bizarre timeline in our lives right now and sadly, I can begin to imagine where you are at right now. Let us know if you want to share his story.
M- that sounds absolutely beautiful- I especially love the inclusion of the pearl on Pearl's announcement. The cursive typewriter sounds like it will make it even more beautiful and special. Do the pearls have a hole drilled in them? If so perhaps you could stitch each one onto the card with just one simple knot? Just a thought...
Cullen's proof is done and it took my breath away- I don't know if there is a way to attach a pic here- but the designer did an amazing job. It reads:
It is both our greatest joy and deepest sorrow to announce the birth and death of our precious son
Cullen Liam
Born at rest with the Lord on September 11, 2010
9:28 am
3 pounds 7 ounces
16 beautiful inches
Beloved by Stuart and Leslie
Baby brother to C, C and C
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere
-Margaret Wise Brown
It has my living children's names of course. The main text is centered with a beautiful design all around it and the quote from Goodnight moon is centered at the bottom. We are layering envelopments paper stock both cream and metallic brown onto an envelopments gate fold card.
The crazy thing is just a few weeks before Cullen died I called Mindy (designer) and got her VM so I decided I would call her later to begin talking about his birth announcement (never did until after he died). She told me that the day I called her to discuss his birth/death announcement she had just been looking through her FB fan page and noticed my picture- she said in all the years we have worked together she never knew what I looked like and she wondered what I was doing these days. I called her just a few hours later. Crazy.
She did an amazing job. When it arrives I will certainly post a picture on my blog.
M- that sounds absolutely beautiful- I especially love the inclusion of the pearl on Pearl's announcement. The cursive typewriter sounds like it will make it even more beautiful and special. Do the pearls have a hole drilled in them? If so perhaps you could stitch each one onto the card with just one simple knot? Just a thought...
Cullen's proof is done and it took my breath away- I don't know if there is a way to attach a pic here- but the designer did an amazing job. It reads:
It is both our greatest joy and deepest sorrow to announce the birth and death of our precious son
Cullen Liam
Born at rest with the Lord on September 11, 2010
9:28 am
3 pounds 7 ounces
16 beautiful inches
Beloved by Stuart and Leslie
Baby brother to C, C and C
Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere
-Margaret Wise Brown
It has my living children's names of course. The main text is centered with a beautiful design all around it and the quote from Goodnight moon is centered at the bottom. We are layering envelopments paper stock both cream and metallic brown onto an envelopments gate fold card.
The crazy thing is just a few weeks before Cullen died I called Mindy (designer) and got her VM so I decided I would call her later to begin talking about his birth announcement (never did until after he died). She told me that the day I called her to discuss his birth/death announcement she had just been looking through her FB fan page and noticed my picture- she said in all the years we have worked together she never knew what I looked like and she wondered what I was doing these days. I called her just a few hours later. Crazy.
She did an amazing job. When it arrives I will certainly post a picture on my blog.
September 23, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Sarah - I'm so sorry about your poor Otis.
Leslie - We held a memorial May 2nd in our home. It was a lovely afternoon of tears and love and sadness. It was immensely cathartic.
As for my husband, he's been very ill over the last year and losing Foster made his chronic condition worse. The last 6 months have been a collection of grieving our son and angry at K's illness while TTC a second child. His grief is as much as losing Foster as it is losing the last 18 months to his illness. The baby was the light he looked to in order to survive last winter, and so to lose that on top of everything else has made his grief an oscillating thing. Fortunately he's getting better, but his grief has not been simple.
Leslie - We held a memorial May 2nd in our home. It was a lovely afternoon of tears and love and sadness. It was immensely cathartic.
As for my husband, he's been very ill over the last year and losing Foster made his chronic condition worse. The last 6 months have been a collection of grieving our son and angry at K's illness while TTC a second child. His grief is as much as losing Foster as it is losing the last 18 months to his illness. The baby was the light he looked to in order to survive last winter, and so to lose that on top of everything else has made his grief an oscillating thing. Fortunately he's getting better, but his grief has not been simple.
September 23, 2010 |
Sarah H
Sarah H
Sarah H I am so sorry your grief is so compounded- for you and your husband. It is so unfair.
I am thinking of all three of you...
love and prayers
L
I am thinking of all three of you...
love and prayers
L
September 23, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
M - Pearl is a name we loved, at the top of our list had we been having a girl. The cards you describe sound absolutely lovely, and very fitting.
Leslie - likewise, the cards you have designed for Cullen sound beautiful, and fitting. Our timelines are far too close, and I ache that anyone is having to attempt to endure the pain that we are right now.
And Sarah H, oh, the ways in which your grief has been added to, with your husband's illness, I am so sorry.
Our Otis' story can be found at http://otisnidy.wordpress.com Our friends were kind enough to assemble the website for us.
We held a memorial service on Saturday. It was important to us to gather our community immediately to be able to grieve together, and while I think I was numb and in shock throughout the day, many have commented how helpful it was for them to be able to gather and grieve together. At the service, we handed out small cards with wildflower seed packets and asked those in attendance to scatter the seeds in Otis' memory.
Thank you, one and all, for this place being here for us. Leslie, I apologize if it feels I've hijacked the thread with my story. I guess hiding in the wings of another thread felt less threatening or "real" to me than attempting to start my own.
Leslie - likewise, the cards you have designed for Cullen sound beautiful, and fitting. Our timelines are far too close, and I ache that anyone is having to attempt to endure the pain that we are right now.
And Sarah H, oh, the ways in which your grief has been added to, with your husband's illness, I am so sorry.
Our Otis' story can be found at http://otisnidy.wordpress.com Our friends were kind enough to assemble the website for us.
We held a memorial service on Saturday. It was important to us to gather our community immediately to be able to grieve together, and while I think I was numb and in shock throughout the day, many have commented how helpful it was for them to be able to gather and grieve together. At the service, we handed out small cards with wildflower seed packets and asked those in attendance to scatter the seeds in Otis' memory.
Thank you, one and all, for this place being here for us. Leslie, I apologize if it feels I've hijacked the thread with my story. I guess hiding in the wings of another thread felt less threatening or "real" to me than attempting to start my own.
September 23, 2010 |
Sarah
Sarah
Sarah thank you so much for sharing- I am off to read Otis' story right now...
My blog is cullensblessings.wordpress.com if you feel like reading- you are certainly not hijacking here mamma- we are all here to share and grieve- thank goodness for places like this because without it my head would not be off of my pillow yet.
I love how you gave out wildflower packets.
In a selfish way I hope to hear more from you and others like us- like I have said before I feel like fellow bereaved are the only ons who get it and right now this is what is getting me through.
My blog is cullensblessings.wordpress.com if you feel like reading- you are certainly not hijacking here mamma- we are all here to share and grieve- thank goodness for places like this because without it my head would not be off of my pillow yet.
I love how you gave out wildflower packets.
In a selfish way I hope to hear more from you and others like us- like I have said before I feel like fellow bereaved are the only ons who get it and right now this is what is getting me through.
September 23, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Hi Leslie,
Thank you for reading my blog! I am so sorry you have joined this group.
I too, live with tremendous guilt over not paying enough attention to M's (my first) movements in the days before his death. I was so busy at the that time...
I love Cullen's name. Liam was actually on our boys list of names....
I hope you are being kind to yourself these days. I know how terribly difficult that can be anytime, but most especially when living children are in the mix.
brokenheartdiaries.blogspot.com
Thank you for reading my blog! I am so sorry you have joined this group.
I too, live with tremendous guilt over not paying enough attention to M's (my first) movements in the days before his death. I was so busy at the that time...
I love Cullen's name. Liam was actually on our boys list of names....
I hope you are being kind to yourself these days. I know how terribly difficult that can be anytime, but most especially when living children are in the mix.
brokenheartdiaries.blogspot.com
September 26, 2010 |
ms.g
ms.g
Oh Leslie,
I'm so very sorry that you have had to join us here. Reading your story reminds me of those same terrifying moments that I also had on the table while they tried to find my son's HB and then looked at him on the u/s. It is such a haunting thing. It hurts me to know you are so close still to that moment.
You replied on my other thread, but I am a babylost mom and a mom. It is incredibly challenging to be both because I feel guilt for not spending time in grief for my lost baby and also guilt that I that I am not as emotionally present for my living children.
There is no easy way out of grief...but getting through each day as they come is a victory. The women on here are so, so supportive. I know I always have a soft place to land here even when the world around me doesn't seem to care or remember my hurt.
Many hugs to you.
Eve
I'm so very sorry that you have had to join us here. Reading your story reminds me of those same terrifying moments that I also had on the table while they tried to find my son's HB and then looked at him on the u/s. It is such a haunting thing. It hurts me to know you are so close still to that moment.
You replied on my other thread, but I am a babylost mom and a mom. It is incredibly challenging to be both because I feel guilt for not spending time in grief for my lost baby and also guilt that I that I am not as emotionally present for my living children.
There is no easy way out of grief...but getting through each day as they come is a victory. The women on here are so, so supportive. I know I always have a soft place to land here even when the world around me doesn't seem to care or remember my hurt.
Many hugs to you.
Eve
September 26, 2010 |
Eve
Eve
Ms G. thank you so much...
Eve- I still don't know how you did it mamma.
I will admit it- I hate that I am here- but that is no surprise to any of us and is probably echoed throughout the 'halls'.
But at least everyone here gets it.
Reading your post made me thing of that moment on the table again (as I will probably every day) the howling and the screaming- I really need the rewind button today.
thank you all for listening and talking with me. I was wishing for rain the last few days- today it poured - many times. Perhaps I have Cullen to thank for that.
Eve- I still don't know how you did it mamma.
I will admit it- I hate that I am here- but that is no surprise to any of us and is probably echoed throughout the 'halls'.
But at least everyone here gets it.
Reading your post made me thing of that moment on the table again (as I will probably every day) the howling and the screaming- I really need the rewind button today.
thank you all for listening and talking with me. I was wishing for rain the last few days- today it poured - many times. Perhaps I have Cullen to thank for that.
September 26, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Leslie
Your loss is so recent and raw.... and so maybe Cullen led you here to us..... to the fireside that we tend 24/7. Glows and it's visitors taught me, in their various words, to be gentle with myself: our kids would want that of us, to allow yourself your grief and its depth and sorrow and power, to express yourself in whatever way you find your voice (blogging, names in sand across the planet, tattoos, painting clocks etc), to listen to the many colors of babyloss mothers and to make those moments that want to be heard, heard. And I in my grief, 4 1/2 and 15 months later am different because of this- changed and more awake. I let all this wash over me and so I honor my boys and they guide me. And so I pass all of that on to you as you come to sit- give you what has been so beautifully given to me here. As everyone has said, I'm sorry you are here. I'm glad that you found us.
You asked if my story was here or on my blog. I used to write a lot- it fluctuates over time for me. It did change and evolve yet while far from fresh I know my boys more and more every day. I think my posts and responses have become sometimes distant from the rawness but you can search for 'sooze' and learn my story from times when I had more words.
so much light to you.
Sooze
Your loss is so recent and raw.... and so maybe Cullen led you here to us..... to the fireside that we tend 24/7. Glows and it's visitors taught me, in their various words, to be gentle with myself: our kids would want that of us, to allow yourself your grief and its depth and sorrow and power, to express yourself in whatever way you find your voice (blogging, names in sand across the planet, tattoos, painting clocks etc), to listen to the many colors of babyloss mothers and to make those moments that want to be heard, heard. And I in my grief, 4 1/2 and 15 months later am different because of this- changed and more awake. I let all this wash over me and so I honor my boys and they guide me. And so I pass all of that on to you as you come to sit- give you what has been so beautifully given to me here. As everyone has said, I'm sorry you are here. I'm glad that you found us.
You asked if my story was here or on my blog. I used to write a lot- it fluctuates over time for me. It did change and evolve yet while far from fresh I know my boys more and more every day. I think my posts and responses have become sometimes distant from the rawness but you can search for 'sooze' and learn my story from times when I had more words.
so much light to you.
Sooze
September 29, 2010 |
Sooze
Sooze
We lost our 4th child on September 11, 2010 at 34 weeks. Only 8 days ago. I'm trying to function but not doing a great job. I have 3 living children age 5 and under who need their mamma. But I wish they could hold their brother. I miss him so very much that it hurts to breathe.
I am grateful to have a place to talk other than the blog I just created. I find it hard to have a dialogue IRL but on line it seems to help me.
I hate to be here- hate that all of the innocence is gone- but at least I know I'm not alone- sad as that is.