for one and all > Discussion Topic: Word Choices
Eliza, I think babylost sounds almost exactly right. I might have to use that myself.
For me, this question takes many forms, because I have had a loss in all 3 trimesters. With M, born still at 34 weeks, I referred to him as my son, my son that died. Although I often said, "he died at birth" though that was not technically true, because so many people did not understand what stillborn really meant, and I often felt my loss was brushed aside as "just a miscarriage"
My very early miscarriage was very early, and quite frankly I hardly mention it at all, and when it is mentioned, I am comfortable with the term miscarriage.
My son IZ is the tricky one. He died at 20 weeks, right at that miscarriage/stillbirth line. I don't like miscarriage because it doesn't describe it, and I don't like stillbirth for him, because I did not "give birth", but had a d&e. (my choice, I could have birthed him) Since his death, I hardly speak of my losses to those not in the know, (meaning us). It seems too confusing and long to speak of it, and frankly, no one understands these differences except us anyway. (And really, most of them don't want to understand)
Almost a year since IZ died, and I haven't quite figured out how to speak of them. I've stumbled and bumbled my way through a few awkward social moments, and then spent half the night trying on different ways to say things for next time.
For me, personally, I would like to refer to them by name, as my sons, that died, A's big and little brother, but both society and I myself don't seem ready for that. In my head, that is what they are. But as you mentioned, sometimes I can't take the pity, and yet, I also can't stand when they are discounted so easily. I don't want to defend their place, so I spare myself the trouble and don't talk of them much in any way. But, the past few weeks, I'm feeling the wind change, and would really like to speak of them more.
brokenheartdiaries.blogspot.com
For me, this question takes many forms, because I have had a loss in all 3 trimesters. With M, born still at 34 weeks, I referred to him as my son, my son that died. Although I often said, "he died at birth" though that was not technically true, because so many people did not understand what stillborn really meant, and I often felt my loss was brushed aside as "just a miscarriage"
My very early miscarriage was very early, and quite frankly I hardly mention it at all, and when it is mentioned, I am comfortable with the term miscarriage.
My son IZ is the tricky one. He died at 20 weeks, right at that miscarriage/stillbirth line. I don't like miscarriage because it doesn't describe it, and I don't like stillbirth for him, because I did not "give birth", but had a d&e. (my choice, I could have birthed him) Since his death, I hardly speak of my losses to those not in the know, (meaning us). It seems too confusing and long to speak of it, and frankly, no one understands these differences except us anyway. (And really, most of them don't want to understand)
Almost a year since IZ died, and I haven't quite figured out how to speak of them. I've stumbled and bumbled my way through a few awkward social moments, and then spent half the night trying on different ways to say things for next time.
For me, personally, I would like to refer to them by name, as my sons, that died, A's big and little brother, but both society and I myself don't seem ready for that. In my head, that is what they are. But as you mentioned, sometimes I can't take the pity, and yet, I also can't stand when they are discounted so easily. I don't want to defend their place, so I spare myself the trouble and don't talk of them much in any way. But, the past few weeks, I'm feeling the wind change, and would really like to speak of them more.
brokenheartdiaries.blogspot.com
September 16, 2010 |
ms. g
ms. g
I also feel strange about getting "I'm sorry". In one sense I am grateful when people acknowledge my loss, but on the other hand, I was never schooled as to the appropriate polite response. And frankly, if someone is thoughtful enough to say it, I want to try to be polite, even if my knee-jerk reaction response comes out sounding lame.
That said, I have said "Yeah, me too." I usually say, "Thank-you."
I almost always follow those responses with "It's been really hard, and if you haven't been though this, you can't imagine". That's to stop people from telling me they know what I'm going through because they had a miscarriage at 8 weeks... Sure, I wasn't at full term, but 20 weeks is not 8 weeks!!
As for the 20 week cutoff, we were given the choice of deciding how our son would be recorded, since we were literally at 20 weeks 0 days. We chose stillbirth, basically because I was far enough along that it didn't feel like a miscarriage to me. Of all the choices we had to make, I'm glad we made that one.
That said, I have said "Yeah, me too." I usually say, "Thank-you."
I almost always follow those responses with "It's been really hard, and if you haven't been though this, you can't imagine". That's to stop people from telling me they know what I'm going through because they had a miscarriage at 8 weeks... Sure, I wasn't at full term, but 20 weeks is not 8 weeks!!
As for the 20 week cutoff, we were given the choice of deciding how our son would be recorded, since we were literally at 20 weeks 0 days. We chose stillbirth, basically because I was far enough along that it didn't feel like a miscarriage to me. Of all the choices we had to make, I'm glad we made that one.
September 29, 2010 |
Megan
Megan
I'm still raw so I get really testy on verbiage. Stillbirth vs. miscarriage- big difference (and I have had both). We had to correct the perinate today twice when he said stillbirth. He did not mean it and said it again correctly- but I had no problem correcting him. neither did my husband which made me feel so connected to him.
Cullen is my son- even though he died he will always be my 4th child. I can't recall if I posted this here or on my own blog so forgive me if I am repeating myself. I have 4 children- three living and one in heaven. I just wonder what my husband will say when asked...
Cullen is my son- even though he died he will always be my 4th child. I can't recall if I posted this here or on my own blog so forgive me if I am repeating myself. I have 4 children- three living and one in heaven. I just wonder what my husband will say when asked...
September 29, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Yes, 'babylost' is my preferred term for myself. I usually say 'My son, Wil, was born still along with his surviving twin". I used to explain that Will died at 25 weeks and then stayed in me for the remainder of my pregnancy...but really that became too taxing for me to explain and field all the sorts of morbid questions and curiosities about this unusual occurrence.
When I don't mention Will, I feel guilty...but I also find that sometimes it's just not the right time or circumstance.
When I don't mention Will, I feel guilty...but I also find that sometimes it's just not the right time or circumstance.
September 30, 2010 |
Eve
Eve
I don't know what to say to anyone. I struggle with it almost every day.
I have three living daughters and a son born in June at 38.5 weeks and declared dead an hour later. Most people I know just see me as having three children but my broken heart knows I have four. Some days, well most days, I don't have the strength to find words to express my feelings to them or argue the point. I just let it go.
I don't even have the words to post here. Very not like me before. I was very lucky to find you when I had trouble stopping lactation and I started lurking here then. For now, when I am in a situation where I have to say something, I often borrow your words, thank you.
I have three living daughters and a son born in June at 38.5 weeks and declared dead an hour later. Most people I know just see me as having three children but my broken heart knows I have four. Some days, well most days, I don't have the strength to find words to express my feelings to them or argue the point. I just let it go.
I don't even have the words to post here. Very not like me before. I was very lucky to find you when I had trouble stopping lactation and I started lurking here then. For now, when I am in a situation where I have to say something, I often borrow your words, thank you.
September 30, 2010 |
Dorothy
Dorothy
I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you Dorothy. Without words I think I would be completely lost so I can understand how shattering it can be to find yourself at a loss for them.
If nothing else we have all found each other here amidst an amazing community of voices, support, healing and sometimes even comfort. There are some incredible writers in this group- I hope their words will be as much of a help as they have been to me.
Wishing you peace...
If nothing else we have all found each other here amidst an amazing community of voices, support, healing and sometimes even comfort. There are some incredible writers in this group- I hope their words will be as much of a help as they have been to me.
Wishing you peace...
September 30, 2010 |
Leslie
Leslie
Even the word loss or the term babylost, the ideas of grief . . . there are meanings and connotations with everything. We've all been on the wrong side of word choices and poor phrasing, but we also stumble around a fair amount ourselves. How many children do we have? If we lost our first/only children - are we mothers and fathers? What does one call the anniversary of our child's birth if it was simultaneously the day of (or days after) their death?
What words and phrases are triggers for you, both positive and negative? What in the lexicon of loss feels comfortable to you? How do you handle the stumbling around for phrases you use?
* * * * *
For me, the term miscarriage was an instant flash of blinding rage. Because I felt it was disrespectful of and dismissive of the fact that my son was born alive and lived for a brief time. I generally felt as if people were implying that I shouldn't be taking it so hard and just move on and not be devestated. I hated it.
I also really hated 'I'm sorry' because it felt so inadequate. I never knew how to respond to that. "Yeah, me too" or "And?" seemed wildly inappropriate, but I knew (and know still) there was nothing better for them to say. I just didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to be an object of pity, and sorry seemed to close to that. I do think that's unusual though; most people seem very comforted by it.
Things that were positive for me were affirming things. Remembrances, people talking about 'your son' and 'your baby' and using his name. I love seeing his name. That always made me feel better.
I often describe myself as babylost, and I often say my son died. I don't like to say anything else, because the facts of it seem important to me. It's harsh, but then, so is his death, and being factual about it feels to me (even if it's not really this way) as if it comes across as a vital piece of me. It's as commonplace to me (and therefore not to be feared or avoided as a topic) as my eye color, and something I'm as likely to discuss as where I was born or what part of town I live in.
I often wonder what people think of that approach. . .