I'm not a babyloss mama, but I've visited here often. I always knew your loss was unimaginable, incomprehensible -- especially after I was lucky enough to have a healthy baby. But I thought I *kind* of got it: I've cried and grieved over your stories, and almost all of them have stayed with me...

But I just had a d&e for my first miscarriage today -- a simple, f-ing miscarriage, at 14.5 weeks! -- and I just realized how clueless I really am.

I've known loss of all sorts -- people who have meant the world to me have been here one moment, gone the next. So I thought this would be comparatively "easy." Sad yes. But not like it was with my other losses.
I was right. This is a completely different beast. And to think how this sadness is dwarfed by your guys' grief... I just shudder to think of it.
So my heart goes out to you all.
I am so, so very sorry.
No one who sits on the outside can ever "get" what you've been through.
But I promise that we certainly do try...

Much love to you all,
k

I'm so sorry for your loss K. In my mind, any woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss, simple miscarriage or late-term stillbirth, whatever, is a babylost mama and deserves support. I have had two miscarriages now, one at 11 weeks and one at 20 weeks, and although it was earlier and in the "expected" window for miscarriage, in some ways the 11 week loss was harder because it was my first and was such a surprise. I think early miscarriage is tough too because people just expect you to get over it, there really is no grieving period at all. Be gentle with yourself, take time to mourn if you need it, and we're hear to listen if you need us. xoxo

k-- I am so sorry for your loss. One thing I have learned is that loss is loss and grief is grief. I lost my living daughter at 17 months old to a sudden illness and have found an incredible community of support among babylost mamas here and elsewhere, most of whom suffered some sort of pregnancy loss. One thing I know is that there is no comparing "quantities" of grief, although in quality, griefs are certainly very different. I've said before that although our losses are different, there are some things that are fundamentally the same-- most importantly, that any scenario in which the parent outlives the child is just totally wrong. I hope that you find the support you need here, and again, I'm so sorry that you've had to join this club that no one wants to belong to.

K, I am so sorry for your very significant loss. A miscarriage is a heartbreaking thing to experience, and my thoughts are with you and your family. Please be very gentle with yourself as you grieve the loss of your pregnancy in the months ahead and beyond. I'd like to offer you a poem:

The Miscarriage, by Helen Warner Smith

Ther has been a death in the family
No eulogy, no coffin,
No funeral, no black
And yet, there has been a death in the family
No undertaker, no hearse
No cemetery, no grave
And yet there has most assuredly been a death in the family
No belly, no fullness
No lifeline, no baby
There has been a death in the family.

You are a babyloss mama. In some ways, a miscarriage can be hmm...not more difficult, but let's say, difficult in a different way than a stillbirth or something. Things like seeing it written as "spontaneous abortion" on some of your medical charts as though you wanted it to happen, things like that. Having nothing to bury in a lot of cases. I've lost two children, one a miscarriage at just over 13 weeks although the "fetus" had died at somewhere around 7 weeks and I wasn't aware of it, and one a little girl that lived for an hour and nineteen minutes when we were told to expect 15 to 20 minutes, that she wouldn't make it out of the operating room. I grieve both of them, but the way even family reacted to both losses was very different. So, I don't know if this is helpful or just me whining again, but what I suppose I'm trying to say is that it's okay to grieve, you might think you're standing outside for a while but I promise there's a chair at the table for you too if you need to come in and cry over a cuppa.

Thank you so much, all of you, for your support and very gentle messages -- you all warmed my heart. I'll be sure I'll give my little one the grief-space (s)he deserves. I think at least part of my grief stems from the fact that I am infertile, and I have another baby with a chromosomal "aberration" (plus I've been a reader here since the beginning,) so I was very cautious, and I never allowed myself to celebrate this pregnancy. But I miss my little bump. I acknowledge its absence more than I acknowledged its presence, and that alone feels like something awfully close to regret. I don't do regret well. I usually try not to do it at all, but I find I cannot help myself these days...

You are all truly amazing parents -- that's what I keep realizing over and over every day. I met another babylost mama today -- I knew her a little and was always drawn to her in a sort of intuitive way, but didn't know about her loss as it happened a few years back. I'm directing her to you. Although it's been a while for her, I know she will love you all and this place will be a gift to her...

Much love to you all,
k