I've been a lurker on this site for a few months now and have so appreciated the honesty and support expressed in all that I've read. I usually am able to find a thread that speaks to my current emotional state, but, today, I've hit a wall and decided it was time to seek out a bit of help from the posters on this wonderful site.

I lost my daughter, Eleanor, a little over three months ago. She was still born at nearly 24 weeks on May 25. I knew September was going to be a tough month for me--her original due date is the 17th--but I'm a bit taken aback by how upset I've been so far this month (and it's just the 5th). I know that my grief really didn't take affect until about a month after her birth--the shock, denial, and my own physical recovery all contributed to the delay--but I'm crying nearly all the time and finding it difficult to function every day both at home and at work. I've made an appointment with a grief therapist, but I'm wondering about the experiences of others at this time? Is the three-month mark just a particularly difficult time? I know that her upcoming due date has been weighing on me, so I'm sure that is contributing to my grief, but I also wondered if this is just a particularly hard time.

Also contributing to my grief is the fact that two friends are pregnant with due dates near mine. This has been a difficult issue for all of us--how to interact with each other now that I've lost Eleanor and they are continuing to have healthy pregnancies is complex to say the least. Again, I'm curious how others have dealt with similar issues? Do you avoid these friends for a bit? Take a leap and see the babies? I know that everyone must approach these situations differently, but I'd love some advice.

Three months is hella hard. For all kinds of reasons.For me it was because I was supposed to have an infant. Routines were supposed to be sorted baby was supposed to be interactive things were SUPPOSED to be so different.

I couldn't see my one friend that had a baby for a while afterward and her baby was 6 months old already.
My neighbors had a baby a few months after Juniper and I got to hold her when she was just a couple weeks old, as everyone was outside because there was a car wreck on our corner. I stood there and cried on the sidewalk holding that baby. But, it was healing. I startled every time she did because I didn't expect her to move and breathe. That's a bit messed up, but it really helped me overcome that fear of babies. Though it did fuel my desire to try again.

(other people's pregnancy and baby mentioned)

i'm so sorry to hear that megan. thinking of you and eleanor. i'm glad you've found us.

i think at three months i started to understand that i really had lost that baby, that it had died, and that any subsequent child i had would be a different person. and that i needed to grieve. and it seems that three months is hard for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.

as far as friends' pregnancies go, my best friend's due date was two months after mine. from her being around 20 weeks i couldn't - COULDN'T - be in the same room as her. i said i'd phone and email, but she suggested sticking to email as it would mean i had a bit of mental distance - and i think she was actually right. but i emailed her regularly and she told me how her pregnancy was progressing over email. it was hard to hear about, but i wanted to hear it.

i'm fine with babies (mostly, anyway - i made a point of seeing my other friend's baby the day after we lost ours, partly because i didn't want it to become a huge thing in my head seeing a baby for the first time) and it was really nice to see her and meet her baby afterwards.

i'll be thinking of you and eleanor on the 17th.

I found all the monthly annerversaries really hard up until about 6 months. I found our due date hard even though I thought I wasn't that attached to it (we'd known since 20 weeks Matilda would be delivered at 38 weeks at the latest and then I got PE at 29 weeks and we knew we'd get nowhere near it) but it was still hard.

I didn't really see anyone for a long time and I still haven't seen the babies that my friends had after Matilda was born. I'd probably be OK now (I went to a breast feeding course the other day and coped with the babies there) but there's no way I would've seen them 3 months after. I emailed and let them know it would be too hard for me and they understood. I was OK with babies born before Matilda that I already knew.

Some people find it healing or want to get it over with - I guess you'll have to figure out what's right for you. But be kind to yourself and if there was ever a time to put yourself first, I'd say this is it. Your friends should understand. If you think you need more time, take it.

If you do decide to see them, maybe organise a visit where you have some sort of excuse for keeping it really short the first time so if it is awful you don't end up having to stay for ages trying to hold it together. I'd often be OK in social situations for a while but then my mind would start to wander and it would get harder and harder.

Maddie x

Hi Megan,

Yep, three months was particularly hard for me, too. I remember posting about it and feeling frightened and confused. I'd been back at work about a month and thought I'd been coping OK, but it all fell in a heap again. I stopped being able to think my way through situations. I couldn't write (I'm a journalist) and I couldn't understand what I was reading or process anything that people said. It was a very specific set of symptoms that I hadn't experienced (or hadn't noticed) in my grief until that point. Fortunately it didn't last all that long and I don't think I've had as tough a time since. For me, the three month mark was about a month past his due date, so I didn't hit both milestones at the same time. I'm sure that must be a double whammy for you, and I'm sorry it's so tough. Megan, dear mummy, put your head down against the storm and concentrate on survival for now. The tempest will pass, I promise.

By the time the anniversary of my son's death/birth rolled around, I was aware that something had changed and I was no longer actively grieving. His birthday was actually kind of nice and I would even say I enjoyed celebrating it.. there was a comfortable acceptance that he was loved and wanted and a precious memory, but he was gone and everything would be OK. I wanted to share that with you because at three months, I felt like part of my brain and my heart was missing, and I could not have imagined the me I am now.

I knew a couple of people due within a few weeks of me. I don't think either of them genuinely understood that I couldn't be around them or their beautiful, alive (foreign concept) babies. I didn't take any sort of leap; I point-blank avoided them. Fortunately neither were so close that it mattered terribly. One would bring her baby to work and I could hear it (it, I say) screaming out at reception. I resented her for being so stupid and callous, making me suffer through that while I was held prisoner at my desk. She didn't bring the baby anywhere near me, but it was still way too intense for me. The other one, the closer friend, 'understood' why I couldn't go to her baby shower or allow her to buy me lunch to talk about my pain. But, a few months after her son was born, as I cautiously begain to re-enter the social world, she turned up at an engagement party with the baby and sat down next to me, announcing that she thought it would be good for me if she didn't warn me she would do that. I cuddled her baby and smiled and cooed, but when she and her husband disappeared home because they had to put bub to bed, couldn't muck up his routine.. and I was confronted with the reality that their lives had changed so much and mine essentially hadn't, on the face of things.. well, I spent the rest of the evening crying into my wine with a woman whose son had committed suicide. What a happy engagement party that was!

A few months after that, I was able to go to that little boy's christening and I was fine. I no longer saw her life as a "Sliding Doors" parallel to my own, and we've never felt the need to talk about those early months.

Put yourself first, Megan. If those women have big hearts, your friendships will recover. You don't have to force yourself into these situations to prove that you are a good person and a caring friend. You're only human and you can only take so much - especially now. If it's what you choose, avoidance is perfectly normal and healthy and you'll come out the other side OK.

Thinking of you and thanks for popping up to post. :)

3 months was a really hard time for me too, Megan. In some ways I felt like it was harder than the initial weeks after Charlotte died. I felt as if the shock had completely worn off and I was finally admitting that I would live the rest of my life without her. It felt very overwhelming and insurmountable. I didn't leave the house for days, I stayed in bed most of the time. I don't know what it is about the three month mark, but it was much harder for me than one month or two. Four months is coming up soon, but I don't feel it will be as hard as three months.

Thinking of you and sweet Eleanor.

Megan I am so sorry that your precious Eleanor died. What an awful loss, and how painful to have September 2010 be so different to what you were expecting.

For me I experienced weeks 6 to 12 after my daughter Salome's death as being particularly hard. Below is something I wrote at around that time:

"This week is very different and harder. Not as much variance in emotional state, not as much tears, and no relief from crying, more physical shut-down going on. Difficulty with word finding, difficulty with executive functioning (planning, initiating tasks particularly, abstract or creative stuff like writing this fucking thing, it's taking me ages). Problems later in the day with moving my jaw (no injury or pain) and problems with my vision. By the end of the day, have very flat affect, and can make my face look 'normal' but only with much effort. No normal spontaneous animation of the face after about 5 pm. More aches and pains (not birth related), no seretonin left I guess? Less appetite, but still eating. There is a tiny part of me that despite everything is happy not to be nasueas.

Emotionally, a sense of vastness, barrenness, cold, aloneness. I think the best word would be anguish. More unpleasant thoughts about what is happening to Salome's body now, and anger at my own body for betraying me so badly and not protecting my baby. Sleep is OK, but more bad dreams. Less capacity for keeping a lid on my anxiety about our other daughters' safety and reign in my protective behaviour about that.

I told my counsellor Jane all this yesterday, and she said 'Welcome to week 6." My paraphrase on what she said:
• week 6 to 12 will probably be the worst weeks of your life (I would have find that hard to believe after the 6 weeks we have just had, had I not been experiencing it now).
• listen to your body. Jaw being difficult to move may simply mean stop talking so much.
• in terms of normal expectations you or others place on you, all bets are off. Keep plodding, but expect no more than plodding. Priority is staying connected to my husband and other daughters, and maintain basic routines where possible.

So starting to make less phone calls, because I can only do so much talking, and there needs to be fuel in the tank when the girls and Matt get home. I'll be doing more emailing and texting.

We're outsourcing a lot of stuff. Getting a cleaner to come for a while, starting today. Getting my eyes checked next week."

All I can tell you is that for me that phase at week 6 to 12 did shift. I don't have any advice for you, but I am now at 7 months after my daughter's death and I think this experience is survivable. It is horrendous, harrowing, draining, revolting, isolating etc etc etc but I think it is survivable.

I agree with what others have written above: maybe for this bit of your grief the aim could just be survival. It is OK to put your head down and make the needs of you and your immediate household the priority.

Wishing you a glimmer of some kind of peace within the shitfulness and the pain.

Hi Megan. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Eleanor. My son was born at 20 weeks on June 23, so I haven't hit the three month mark yet, but I just wanted to tell you that I can't be around people who have due dates around when mine was (November) and I really think I will just hibernate that entire month. I cannot WAIT for it to be over with, I am dreading it so much. Hang in there and I am thinking of you and your sweet girl, especially on the 17th. xo

Hi Megan,

I am so sorry for you and your sweet Eleanor. I am in a similar situation and dreading the month of October, my due date would have been 10-25-10. My sister is due at the end of Sept. I am planning to miss most family get-togethers this fall, it's too much. Do what you need to do to get through Sept. Even when you choose to be alone, know that you are not alone, I'll be thinking of you on the 17th.

Megan, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Eleanor. What a lovely name.

As others have said, 3 months is a horrible time. I went to a grief counselor briefly after my loss and I remember her saying that 3-4 months were the hardest period-- the shock has worn off and the permanence of the loss has begun to sink in. I promise, it will get easier, if only a little bit.

Around that time frame, I avoided pregnant people like the plague. I felt horrible for feeling this way, but I actually felt hatred for them. By 7-8 months, that started to wear off. Almost 10 months out, I can now handle being around pregnant friends. I don't know what changed in me. I think giving myself the space to heal helped. All this being said, it you don't feel like you can be with your pregnant friends, don't be. If they are true friends, they will understand.

We are all always here for you on this journey, Megan.

Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful words of support. They have meant a great deal to me. Simply knowing that there are others out there who understand how I feel and who have survived this type of loss is comforting. Thank you!

I also had a good friend have a healthy baby boy shortly after Josie was born. I was hard to see him for the first time and hold him. He was so mcuh bigger than she was and I remeber saying" he weighs so much more that Josie does... i mean did" then the sobbing came. I was very suprised because I didn't want him I wanted her. It did feel good and then hurt tonnes holding him but I was so happy for my friend. What was really hard was hearing her complain to others about him being up all night or crying. I would have killed for that and she is complaining! We now have the wonderful gift of perspective given to us by our angels. They have forever changed us.