I'll try to be as succinct and un-confusing as possible.

Prior to the loss of my daughter nine months ago, I had been in a book group with 4 other women. We had been getting together for about 10 years. For the past five years, we had gotten rid of the book aspect and mainly met for dinner to catch up. We'd meet about 4 times a year.

Right after my loss, I had the woman that I was closest to in the group notify the others. I only heard from one of those three women. The other two have, to this day, not acknowledged my loss. In fact, I haven't heard from any of the women for over 6 months. I have been so incredibly hurt my this. I feel like they just abandoned me because they didn't want to be brought down by my grief. I am especially upset because I was fairly close to one of the women who never contacted me. In fact, I wrote her an e-mail a few weeks ago, basically saying that I was very hurt and disappointed by the fact that she never reached out to me. She didn't respond.

Well, yesterday, I received an e-mail from one of the women (one of the ones who never contacted me, but who I am least close with). She wrote to the group saying that she had been really busy for the past year because of work. She now wants to reconnect and suggested dinner. There was no specific acknowledgment of me. Two of the women responded that they would love to get together. Still no response from the one that I e-mailed recently.

I am at a loss as to how to respond or whether I should respond. I am still so hurt by how they treated me... but then I wonder if I am being too sensitive, if they just have done what many do.... avoid because they don't know what to say or do.

Any advice??

Steph,
So sorry that they have treated you this way. It kind of sounds like you want to reconnect, because you are asking, but I know for ME, I wouldn't be able to forget that. It is so insensitive. I wouldn't hate the ones who never aknowledged your loss, but I could never feel love and friendship again with them, either. For me, I'd rather make a new friend or be alone than be with them. Especially the one that you felt close to. It's not really their fault, but it isn't YOURS either. I know many others mays disagree, but that is how I would feel. Yes, babyloss has made me unforgiving, but that's me now. Do what is right for YOU, even if it is to forget it, and be with them again. Thinking of you today.

I think out of courtesy that should have said something. I have also bumped into people that saw when pregnant and know that we loss our child and have said nothing to me. I figure they just don’t know how to approach the subject, or maybe they think they will hurt your feelings by talking about it. But certainly makes you reconsider whom you really think your friends are, and if they are so cold about the situation; maybe you shouldn’t hang out with them anymore. I’m sure that if they were going through the situation you just went through, they would want a lot more sympathy towards them; and recognition towards their loss and pain.

Steph - I would go. Go and see what happens. All I've learned in the last year is that as a society we have no idea how to deal with illness (my husband) or grief / death.

You may go and have a chance to ask them, or you may be surprised that they've been grieving for you but didn't know what to do / say. Or you could find out that they're a bunch of cold bitches. Either way you'll have an answer and will know how to move forward.

Part of my grieving is learning to be harder on those who need / deserve it and gentler and more forgiving for those who need / deserve it. It's tough.

Wishing you strength and peace,
Sarah

Of course only you can know what is right for you, but I agree with Sarah that I would go and at least see what happens. You might be pleasantly/unpleasantly surprised, but at least you would maybe have an opportunity to air your hurt feelings and see what they have to say. Not that it makes it right in any form or fashion, but I'm willing to bet that their silence had much more to do with not knowing what to say to you than with you. I will be thinking of you, and I know you will make the right decision!!!

Hmmm. I do have friends who've never directly acknowledged my loss but who have listened when I've made the odd comment about my son, without trying to change the subject. I am no longer hurt by these people as I feel so much stronger than I did a few months ago, and I am confident their behaviour doesn't come from a place of indifference. That said, they are male. No women I know have behaved like this.

Most of us feel a bit useless around other friends' tragedies, but most of us can manage an email or a card or a text or something. We all know that doing nothing is pretty well indefensible. Your group doesn't meet all that often but you *have* made time for one another over many, many years. You are entitled to expect a reaction from these women. Being 'busy at work' for six months and unable to send a one-line email - even a message through a mutual friend - to say she's thinking of you? Not sure I buy that.

I don't know what to make of the one who hasn't responded. It strikes me as encouraging that she hasn't replied to the group email either. She may have a genuine reason for not communicating right now. Probably wise to assume that, until you see her reply to the group email.

I've been on the receiving end of a friend's confrontation before, and even though I've known they were right, I haven't been mature enough to react well. I've made excuses for my behaviour to get away from the (perceived) attack. She may be doing this - but I'd have thought you'd get a curt reply, in that case. (I'm not suggesting you were wrong to email her, by the way - not at all.)

Anyway, upshot is, you're definitely not being too sensitive about it. As Christine pointed out, these women clearly still matter to you, and you do sound willing to forgive them and repair the friendship. But first you need to see some effort from them. A breezy invitation to dinner doesn't count. It's funny how much effort we expend trying to be polite so that others don't get hurt. Well, you were hurt. To my mind, that means you don't have to be quite so generous with their feelings. I'd be tempted to 'reply to all' with something sarcastic. Put the ball very much in their court: "So nice to hear from you all. I've been meaning to thank you for your messages of support when my daughter died. After all, I'm sure the three of you were meaning to say something - we've known each other for years. Dinner would be great, though I understand everyone's terribly busy."

Perhaps not your style.. not unwarranted though!

Thanks for your feedback, ladies. I wrote that post and then, after thinking about it a bit more, just felt sorry that I ever even questioned whether I was warranted in being hurt and angry. The way these women have treated me is wrong, period. It was wrong for two of them to not acknowledge my loss... and it was wrong for the other two the drop off the face of the planet for months and months. No matter how busy they were, they couldn't touched base with me with a quick e-mail or text. There is simply no excuse.

I think it is especially telling that the one woman who I e-mailed never responded. My e-mail was very direct, but not in any way nasty. I simply said that I was hurt and sad that she wouldn't contact me, considering I have known her for so long. I also said that I was hurt because I felt like the group disbanded because of my loss. If she was a true friend, she would have responded, even if only to say that she simply didn't know what to say or do. If she was a true friend, she would have e-mailed the others and told them that I was hurt and that they needed to make amends with me. She didn't do any of that.

All of this being said, I simply replied to all with a very curt: go ahead and make plans without me. Maybe I'll come if I am free. If they can't glean my hurt and anger from that... and attempt to make it right, then so be it.

I really like what you said, Sarah. "Part of my grieving is learning to be harder on those who need / deserve it and gentler and more forgiving for those who need / deserve it. It's tough." It is hard to make this determination... but I am putting myself first. If others can't meet me half way, then I am better off without them.

Oh, and Moops, I am not sure that the one "friend" who hasn't replied has a good excuse. She is always posting on Facebook so I know that she is not trapped under something large and can't get out!

The fractured friendships in the aftermath of Sam's death sometimes stil bother me - and it's 2 years later! It's so common in our post-babyloss worlds. I guess on our side it seems so simple but on theirs it seems impossible to broach. I don't know - I'm certainly not making excuses for them - you have every right to be hurt and they failed you. I have no advice just know that I understand where you're coming from and it am sending a big hug.

Hi Steph,

I totally agree with everything Monique said. While I understand I can't make excuses for people who have completely pretended as if nothing happened.

Sometimes friendships just run their courses. I don't think you need to try to repair things if you aren't confident that the friendships are worth the effort.

i wish i could just let the things that hurt me go. but i still wish i could know why the friends who never did more than send one text message felt that that was all they needed to do. even one email six months later and i would have begun to forgive. although i still would have been very hurt and very angry. but over 8 months later, that's still all i've received from some people.

i think part of it is wanting to think that those we cared about previously were actually worth it. it feels like i wasted a lot of time and energy caring about people who really couldn't give a crap about me. else why did they never get in touch?

it sucks. but don't feel you have to forgive them. they hurt you and it's ok not to want to see if they have an excuse. because at the end of the day, if they wanted to be there they would have been there, whatever.

sending hugs. xxx

Just to update... not one of these ever so compassionate people responded to my reply. Cowards? Just plain a-holes? I guess I'll never know. I wrote these people off a few months ago so I will put this blip out of mind and look forward to the future. Clearly I am better off without them.

at least you know for a fact they're not worth your time or energy.

it sucks how few people are.
xxxx

Good for you Steph. Well said.

I'd been mulling this one over since I read your original post. My initial instinct was to say give them a second chance. Then I came here and read your updates. So much for my instincts which are obviously very poor indeed.

I'm sorry Steph. I think what annoys me the most about situations like this is that I can't figure out the motivations of those who suddenly drop you like a hot potato the moment something goes wrong. Cowards? A-holes? Completely wrapped up in there own lives? Too over stretched already to allocate resources to a friendship that suddenly becomes far more demanding?

Who knows and, perhaps, who cares? As you say, you'd already written them off some time previously and you're better off without them. I'm just sad that it all ended up this way for you and that not one of them could get up a little courage or compassion to at least say something, anything. Bleurgh.