So this past weekend was my husbands family reunion. Something that has been planned since Christmas of last year. Christmas of last year I was 6 months pregnant. When asked if we were going to the reunion I said "of course, count us in - all 3 of us" So naive. Who knew that at the family reunion it would be "just the 2 of us"
There was over 50 people there - 25 of which were children - 2 babies. My sister in law who hosted the party asked me how I was doing - we are doing ok of course was my reply - told her how we were feeling much better and how we are trying to have another. Not once did I say I was ok with surrounding myself with all of these children and their parents who talked to me only when necessary and quickly looked at the floor before they had to make eye contact. Didn't anybody notice that I disappeared for 2 hours. Maybe they noticed and felt relief. I guess we know who the elephant in the room was.
My husbands cousin who has 5 beautiful children including a 9 month old daughter told my sister in law that her heart broke when she saw me and she felt awkward having the baby around me. (my heart broke too) Sister in law told her that I was ok with everything - who the fuck ever said that??? Doing ok and ok with everything is to totally different scenarios.
It has been 5 months since Hunter died. 3 months since my husband and I have whispered his name too each other. Yes I agree that it is easier to not talk about him but my god I so want to scream out his name on a daily basis.

Nicole,
You do whatever you have to do to make it though this life, but please know that you can "talk" about Hunter anytime you feel the need here. Nobody will "look away" or change the subject. He is an important part of your life. I'm sorry that reunion was so hard. That sounds pretty sucky. I am sorry that your heart is shattered into a million pieces. So is mine. You are not alone here. Yes, doing okay and being okay with everything are two different things. Someone who hasn't walked in our shoes would NEVER know. Never. I'm thinking of you.

Hi Nicole,
I read this post days ago when you originally put it up, and I've been thinking about it since. I kept waiting to think of something comforting to say in response, and the best I've come up with is to tell you that I am thinking of you, and that family reunion sounds really hard and painful. Reading your post made me think of what my next family get together will be like, and it's not a pleasant thought. My mother's side of the family has always been very baby and children focused, in a good way. Last time we all got together in October 2009 I was one of 5 pregnant women there. I don't know what I'll feel when I next see them all, but whatever I feel no doubt it will be complicated. I have strong memories of one of my cousins who was hospitalised for anorexia nervosa many years ago, and how difficult it was for her to attend the next family get together, because she was aware everyone was watching how much she ate and not wanting her to know they were watching how much she ate. I know the next time I see that half of the family they will be watching me, and I at the moment I find even the idea of that exhausting.

I am all for screaming your baby's name whenever you feel it will help. Whatever helps, I say. Let the people around you manage their own discomfort about it. Wishing you ever increasing peace, whatever that is....

Thanks for your thoughts ladies. Isn't it strange how we, the ones who lost our babies, are constantly trying to make the situation easier for everyone else around us.