Friend who knows about my babyloss and that I am really struggling with it lately: Hey! Are you okay?
Vera: I am just feeling really sad today.
Friend: Oh no! What happened?
Vera: Um, my baby died?
Friend: Oh. Yeah.

This is the point where I lose people, and where I wish I had better communicators in my life. Because even though I am getting better about just expressing myself anyway, it would be nice if some of my friends would give me a clue as to what they were thinking after this point in the conversation. I can only imagine, and in my imagining have come up with two scenarios.

Scenario 1: Oh. Yeah... That. I wish you wouldn't talk about that anymore. I know it was really sad at first, but seriously. It's been a whole year now, and even longer with your first one. Could we talk about something happy, instead?

Scenario 2: Oh. Yeah... I can't believe I forgot. I wish I knew what to say. It's so big and painful and it makes me so uncomfortable. Maybe just stitting here quietly will be enough.

The second scenario is really more likely, as the people in my life are mostly kind. But I find myself assuming the worst, and I hate it. It's not fair to them, or to me. I wish people would speak up, and dispell my fears. Anyway, I just needed to rant about that, to people who would understand... Thanks for listening.

Hi Vera,

I think I know what you mean with that one. I also sometimes wish people around me would do something to help me open the conversation up. I get fed up with being the one who has to stick my neck out and make myself vulnerable when I am not sure if they want to hear it. It's like 'When you ask 'How are you?' what are you actually asking? On a score of 1 to 10, with 1 being a flippant dismissal of the question and 10 being gut wreching honesty, how honest would you like me to be in my response? But thanks for trying, because I can see you are trying."

I have by no means got this sorted myself, but when I get to the bit in your dialogue above where people say "Oh no, what happened?" or 'How come you're not doing so well?" lately I have been saying "Just the usual dead daughter issues." That either opens the conversation up or shuts it down and either way both me and the other person know where we stand.

But I think no matter what I say, it's just hard sometimes when someone shuts the conversation down for whatever reason. Another crappy element of this whole shitty experience.

For. Sure.