I have had it with my parents and my husband's parents. Actually, I have had it with my husband's entire family. His parents came over last night with Charlotte's ashes. We asked them to pick the ashes up because we couldn't face doing it. After we had dinner they gave us the ashes. Then they gave us a poem they wrote, a song they wrote, a picture of my father kissing Charlotte because "it will make a great Father's day gift," a book, and chocolates. It was so incredibly overwhelming. I asked them to bring their pictures from the hospital so I could have them and the ashes. Then they started throwing all of these other things our way. Then, my mother-in-law decides it's time to show us video of my nephew who started walking this week. How can she think that is appropriate?!

Every time his parents or my parents come over I end up feeling like I need to comfort them. It seems like they are having a harder time with this than I am and then I feel guilty and as if I am not missing my daughter enough.

And then my mother and father discovered my blog. Every time I post something they have to tell me how it makes them feel. I don't care if they read it, I am careful about what I put on my blog, always have been. But they don't need to tell me how it makes them feel.

Lately I have been saying yes when his parents or mine ask to come over because it makes them feel better and then I won't have to see them for a few days. I'm beginning to wonder if I matter, if my feelings matter. It was my daughter who died, right? Does anyone care that what I want right now is to be left alone?

Angela, I completely understand, its so difficult when people have expectations of you and they desperately want you to either grieve the way they expect you too, or to push off onto you the way that they deal with their own grief. I truly believe that people who have never experienced a loss like this simply cant understand that in the beginning (and even for a long time after) -- all you want is to be left alone to deal with it in the way you have to to just survive the day. I'm going through something similar with my own family who seems to be disappointed that I havent acknowledged and attended to their grief over the passing of my son -- which to me seems rather ludicrous.

Hugs to you, hope that somehow you find some peace.

This is rough. Sometimes you need people, sometimes you don't. If somebody else is in their 'needing people" phase while you're wanting to be alone and do something like simply scream for hours...I think I understand what you're saying but I am not sure I have anything I can tell you to help with it. I can tell you a couple of things that have happened to me, but I don't know if it will help or not.

My mother-in-law and I basically do not speak any longer, since I've had it. She miscarried my brother-in-law's twin, my brother-in-law lived. She brought me flowers when I miscarried. Then after a month, she told me "Stop talking about "the baby," it was a miscarriage and now it's over. You need to get on with your life." As though "time's up, be done with it, you've had enough time now get over it." When I had a stillbirth, we tried to have family over to help out while I recovered physically. She brought literally everyone -my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, my sister-in-law's current boyfriend (that I'd LITERALLY never met before), the DOGS...and practically had a party. WTF?

A woman I met fairly recently and I simply can't stand each other although it seems we should have a lot in common - but she had a low birthweight baby probably due to her diet/exercise habits who had to go in the NICU, and told me she thought kicking parents out was better while the kid was in because "you just don't need to see that kind of stuff, like them sticking tubes in your baby." Her baby lived. I simply cannot stand her, I can't decide exactly why, but I think that statement is a large part of why seeing her simply makes me want to go berserk and punch her. I'm fairly sure she gets that vibefrom me, and whether it's because my loss makes her think of the what-ifs or simply that it must have been my own Fing fault my baby died...I don't know.

Angela, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've been reading your blog and oh how I wish your beautiful Charlotte were in your arms right now.

Grandparents have their own grief that shouldn't be denied or repressed, but just because they're grieving, too, doesn't mean that your job is to make them feel better. That is absolutely not your job. Your job is to keep, somehow, breathing and to get through these days as best you can, however you can.

Some people are more receptive to this than others, and when your grief is so raw it sucks to even have to think about this kind of thing, but is there a way to talk to them and explain that you're overwhelmed right now, and that you know they're trying to help and grieve with you but that you need some space? If not, maybe you can carve out some days of the week that are in-law and parent free so that you have a bit of breathing room you can count on.

Wishing you gentle days.

Dealing with families is so hard. My dad just hit me with the classic "be grateful for what you have" line". I spent the rest of the night crying. My family and my in-laws live 8 hours away from us so we don't have to deal with frequent visits but we are visiting them right now so I can't avoid them.

Angela, if you want to be alone, don't let your family guilt you into making them feel better. You deserve time to do whatever you need to get through this.

I really understand too. My mother decided to tell me on the morning of his funeral that she and my dad had separated and that she'd realised there was a problem between them because he wouldn't support he while she grieved. I do know she - they - need to, though my dad isn't showing any signs of it admittedly, but i simply cannot handle anyone's grief but the 6 of us in this house. It isn't something i can do.

I suspect that your family did want to help - but they got it wrong in how much you could take. Lots of hugs ((())))

Thanks for the comments everyone. It helps. I am feeling much better today. I know I should probably talk to them, but I have been choosing the passive aggressive route instead. For now I need to do what is best for me even if that makes people in my family angry or mad.

'For now I need to do what is best for me even if that makes people in my family angry or mad. '

Yes, you do.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Thinking of you.
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