My first baby, my little girl, Charlotte Ava was born on 5/14 at 10:10 in the morning. She died at 11:47 am. I had a wonderful pregnancy, a good birth and I have no idea what went wrong. I gave birth outside of the hospital, at a gentle birthing center in the country. My midwives pointed me to this site and even though it is still early, even though I am in denial, it helps to know I am not alone and to write about the experience.

I think there was a part of me that never believed Charlotte would come home. I thought we would bring her home and then I would start to process the fact that I was a Mama. Instead I got 2 seconds of skin to skin contact before they had to begin working on her. Right now all I want is to be pregnant again so I can have a baby, hold a baby, feel some comfort. But really all I want is my Charlotte.

My milk came in yesterday and it's been very, very painful. I am dosing myself with sage and parsley and my midwives bound me yesterday. It's only been four days since Charlotte's birth. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the next four days, much less the next few months. I feel so sad, purposeless and useless.

Angela,

Oh honey, I'm so very sorry. This grief is wicked and terrible and getting through it everyday is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do -- but you CAN do it, and you will, and every single day a tiny tiny part of you will heal just a little bit, and that will be cumulative, and someday, no one knows when, there will be joy again (I promise you that, I didn't believe it was true either, but it's been 9 1/2 months since my son died and things are still very hard, but they are better than they were, and that's something.).

Right now you have to care for yourself, be gentle and kind with yourself like you're cradling your own self as a child -- I think grief has a way of taking us back to a kind of vulnerability that we havent known in a long time.

And of course you want your Charlotte, that will never not be true. In the beginning being pregnant again is all many of us can think of, but that too has its own cruel caveats.

All I can say for sure is that you need to rest now, surround yourself with beauty and friends and family who will nurture you. We are all here for you when you need us, we're sisters in this now, and you are always welcome among us.

Oh, Angela. I am so, so very sorry to hear about your daughter. I think there are a good number of us, myself included, who had similar feelings and premonitions - but then so many pregnant women feel that way and have healthy, living children.

Right now, you don't need to look too far ahead. Just get through one moment at a time. Worry about the next breath you'll take and time will bring the rest. You will get through, how is unimportant. Just exist right now.

Try to take care of yourself as best you can, or allow others to care for you. I'm so sorry that your milk has come in. It is a painful experience, physically and emotionally. Know that we are here to sit with you whenever you need us.

Hi, Angela. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss of precious Charlotte. Reading the articles on this site has been really helpful to me. The road ahead of you, and all of us here, is long and painful. But we keep putting one foot in front of the other. Please be kind to yourself in your grief.

So sorry and sad with you...

I am so very sorry, Angela. I too felt a premonition that my baby was not meant to stay. I can't say why.

Just take it one moment at a time. Take comfort here, I certainly have, we are all in this together. My thoughts are with you.

I`m so sorry Charlotte isn`t here with you where she belongs. I can`t say it any better than others have already - somehow you will hobble through each day. It is painful, sad and you have a long road ahead but try and remember, you won`t always feel the way you`re feeling right now. I know it`s hard to believe - for me, the early raw stages were hard because I couldn`t imagine feeling that way for the rest of my life but you won`t always feel the intensity you`re feeling now in those early days and months. Just try and be gentle with yourself if you can.

Once again, I`m so sorry.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, Angela. Charlotte is such a lovely name. As everyone else has said, you will find a way to piece together the broken shards of your life and your heart. It is a slow and very painful process, but it will happen. As you make your way through this process, we will be here for you.

I, too, had a feeling that my daughter would never be here. I'll never know whether that was just paranoia or a premonition.

Wishing you much strength in the coming days, weeks and months.

Angela, I'm so very very sorry your Charlotte can not be with you. These early days are so desperately hard.Like the pp's have said, let those around you take care of you and just try to be. We will all be here for you whenever you need us.x

Angela,

This is such a raw time and I find myself wishing desperately that I could take it away from you.... because we all remember it and sit with you in sorrow and compassion. No truer words were written then the above: be gentle with yourself. The blame and feeling that 'you knew' is a part of the grief so please remind yourself: you love Charlotte and wanted her with you- there is nothing you could have done, no thoughts that you may have had, that could change that.

I felt what you describe before my daughter was born- and she lived. For two weeks before Tiger was 'born still' I spent very focused time with him inside me- like I knew. Fear? Premonition? I'll never know- what I do know is I longed for him to be with us, I tried to do everything right, and I still long for him.

Merry and Cara just joined this group as well. I think of the three of you in this time.... I'm stringing cranes to put on our tree planted for my Will for your children.... and we are all 'holding space' for you here because we know this loss, we feel the complicated feelings, and we truly want to hear from you.

Love and light to you and your family,
Sooze

Oh, Angela. I'm so sorry. Everyone else has said it much better than I can; take care of yourself, let yourself feel what you feel. The most painful part of this loss for me has been the guilt that we mothers carry that we should have been able to save our babies. I still sometimes think that. But nothing we did or didn't do caused this. Focus on resting, and your love for Charlotte, the rest will come in time. And when it seems like the rest of the world has moved on, you will always have us to remember with you.

Angela,

I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughter. I hate that you are going through this. I am thinking of you.

Angela
I'm so sorry you've had to come find us, but glad that you did.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I'm only 8 weeks out from where you are today. It does get easier week by week but the pain comes like waves. Some days are easier than others.

There are so many understanding people on here, as well as links to blogs that speak about the pain we're all experiencing in different ways. I've found them really really helpful.

Wishing peace to you and your family.

Sarah

Angela,

My heart aches for you. I am so sad and sorry for your loss. This is a world that is not easy. I won't lie to you; it will be one of the hardest things you experience in life, but you can and will come out on the other side. How long it will take? No one knows. It's been a little over a year since I experienced the second semester loss of my first child. Some days it's easier than others. There are days still where I feel like I don't want to face the world. It will get harder before it gets easier. One of things that keeps me going is that there are so many women out there who came before me and made it. I look to them for strength to continue on.

My prayers are with you.

I'm so sorry, Angela. I wish you had your daughter home with you.

Angela,

I am so sorry that you didn't get to bring your beautiful daughter Charlotte home. I have come to hate the word "sorry", but a better word just doesn't exist. You are in a terrible, painful place but somehow you will survive it. 6 weeks ago I was where you are now. My son died 20 minutes after he was delivered, despite having a normal pregnancy and labor. It is awful and will be awful for the rest of our lives, but it does get easier to function. I am still reduced to a big crying mess on a regular basis but I also laugh occasionally too. Websites like this one and all the people here are a big source of comfort for me and I hope they can help you too. Do your best to take care of yourself and let your family and friends help you in whatever way you need.

Angela,

I'm so very, very sad to hear your precious daughter Charlotte has passed away. Please know you are in my thoughts and that you will find wonderful support here. While we all have different experiences regarding the losses of our children, the pain is universal. Much love to you

Hi Angela. I'm so sorry you lost your sweet Charlotte. That is a beautiful name. What everyone else said is very true. Every bit of it. Just breath. We are here sitting with you. I cried with you when I saw your post. It's so tragic every time a new person has to join us. I'm just glad you found this place.

Know that you are not alone. It will be hard to cling to that, but we are here with you.

I am so so so sorry Angela. So sorry that your precious daughter is not with you.
Those first days are a blur of disbelief, horror, agony. You are not alone and wanting to be desperate again is completely normal. So is scouring the internet for similar stories and for information. (Hell, so is drinking copious amounts of wine!!!)
Please know that we are all here for you. If there is anything you want to ask please don't hesitate... I'm on ccramera@wwf.org.za

*Thinking of you in these worst days*