I can't get that nagging feeling in the back of my mind to go away. It's been almost 6 months and still I wonder if someone should have known...could have known...should have thought to check. There weren't just a slew of red flags or anything, but I'm not a doctor. And I know hindsight is always 20/20, but again, not trained to notice these things.

I had the same doctor for both daughters; he was incredibly laid back with both pregnancies and nothing extraordinary happened with either (well, until...), but I'm afraid that misled him and caused him to not be as observant as maybe he should've been.

The nurses at my doctor's office immediately emphasized how no one could've known, which was comforting at the time, I suppose, but now I'm not sure if they were saying that for my benefit or their own. I had questions but I never pursued anything further than the autopsy because everyone was so insistent on the fact that no one could've known.

But, again, what if someone (namely, my doctor) should've known...something. I start thinking this way, though, and my husband says it could've been worse. Say the doctor had been prompted to look closer at my regular appt on the Monday before she died. Olivia might have been delivered early with brain damage. What would that have gotten me? I know some of you are grateful for the time you had with your children, regardless of how little time it was, but that thought is hard for me. I can't see how it would've been better to get to hold her only to have her taken away again. There was clearly a knot in her cord and it was smaller on the receiving end when they untied it after the fact. But on the other hand, I've heard that knots don't always equal death and what if it wasn't too late???

Also, my blood pressure was a little higher than normal (something that had never happened before), and I'd lost a pound and a half when I should've been gaining, and her heartbeat was faint. It was - I distinctly remember thinking it was faint. But they didn't even write the number on her chart, just that a heartbeat existed. How is that sufficient?

Anyway, have any of you pursued legal action? I don't think I'm being emotional by thinking about this. But I may be thinking irrationally, or naively, at least. I'm just curious to know your experiences.

We started the legal process by getting recommendations from a lawyer and talking to another.

And then I stopped.

We *know* there was negligent care in our case; but we are also fairly certain that the negligence was not the cause of birth or death. We don't know whether something could have been salvaged if they had treated me appropriately. I just really don't know. It's possible with an emergent cerclage and treatment to stop labor that something may have been possible to at least get to viability, as Gabe was healthy, but there is a real possibility my water had already broken, which means no cerclage, and viability (with poor long-term prognosis) was still 3 weeks away. And the damage to my cervix is such that if I'd already dilated, then it was unlikely that anything save the strictest in-hospital bedrest would have done us any good.

Regardless, they did not treat me with proper protocols or met generally accepted standards of care in my case. And I was angry. When I learned more about what likely happened, a lot of the anger drained away. I just didn't have the energy to pursue it any further and I didn't want my life and decisions (seeing a midwife and planning a homebirth at my size, waiting 2 hours while definitely contracting to go to the hospital, not seeking a second opinion following the ectopic pregnancy that caused the damage) put under a microscope.

I wanted to punish them, to hurt them, to make someone take responsibility for not helping me they should have or could have. But in the end, the anger faded away and I didn't have the conviction to continue. Nothing was going to change and I still get so upset and angry when I consider how we were treated that the thought of reliving that pain again and again for no real benefit I could see wasn't worth it. That's not to say there is not benefit, but the amorphous idea that this not happen to someone else or that they treat women seeking care more professionally and kindly wasn't enough to justify the potential expenses (monetary and emotional) of a legal battle.

My suggestion to you is that at this point you are really seeking answers. Request your records from your doctor and the hospital - they have a legal obligation to provide them to you, and take them to another doctor - an MFM if you can see one to review your file - and ask their opinion about what might have happened and whether there is anything that might have been done that could have altered the course of treatment or discovered the problems sooner.

Then consider a third doctor.

And then, if they feel there may have been something that should have raised a red flag with your doctor, or a treatment you ought to have been offered or something - then talk to a lawyer.

Eliza, thank you so much for your insight. I'm so sorry for how you were treated. It really is disheartening that the people you're supposed to be able to trust with your LIFE could let you down so immensely.

I think I'll do what you suggested and at least have someone else look. I know if I get an unrelated party's opinion, I will feel better about accepting it, regardless of what the outcome. I haven't seen my doctor since - I changed to another doctor in the same group who delivered Olivia and just really made the whole experience bearable. She is the most sensitive, kind person I could've asked for. But like I said, she's in the same group and probably has an obligation not to point out anything he may or may not have seen.

I did speak to a lawyer about our case but it's harder to sue here in Canada (it's like suing the government). Plus, even though a terrible, fateful decision was made to release me from hospital (even with decelerations in heartbeat and decreased movement) - the doctor made the decision she did with the information she had at hand (a perfect u/s and heartbeat that would recover perfectly after deceleration). I struggled with this for a long time but have come to a place where I (mostly) think she did the best she could and suing isn't going to bring my son back. I also spoke directly with the doctor who made the decision to release me and when I saw how affected she was, how sad it made her that she didn't save my baby (she genuinely cried), how if she could do it all over again, she would (and she apologized) it changed how I felt about her. It was more personal and it was harder to keep her as the enemy.

I`m sorry about your little girl and wishing she were here.