First, please forgive me if the mention of living children is hurtful to anyone...

I have two living daughters. Ever since we lost our baby daughter, I have been preoccupied with my living kids' safety. This morning, I read a story about a child, who was the same age as my oldest, who got leukemia. I burst into tears and became gripped by panic and dread. I am terrified that something terrible is going to happen to one of them.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better with time (my loss was a little over 4 months ago)? Or will I need professional help to get past this?

Oh, I can't bring myself to say things like "His birthday will be in..." because I find myself unsure. And I have to sit on my hands, sometimes literally, at places like the playground. It's not just me, though - my parents built a playhouse/jungle gym thing like they wanted to when we were growing up, and guess what? Rails, non-skid paint, attention to fencing off the area (they live on an acreage which supports some cows who are already fenced off) and my son has a bicycle helmet - from the grandfather who oftimes does not wear a helmet on his motorcycle. All of us when we're driving have a super attention to pulling into the driveway or backing up; my son has learned to go to the top of the slide and wave goodbye or hello because we will literally stop next to the garage (leaving) or way back by the mailbox (coming in) and not move till we see him there. At home if he is going next door to play with the neighbor I'm out in the yard - and I have one of those atrocious, bright orange "Slow - Children at Play" stand up signs I put out.

It's not just you. Whether getting better with time, that I cannot necessarily reassure you on because I am not sure whether I'm "better" or not. It's been two years since I lost my daughter and it has now been nearly five years since I miscarried. But I can tell you my living son still gets to play and do things, though I'm trying to hide how scared I am to let him go on field trips or the like. But there's a picture of him riding an elephant, there he is at a rodeo, an airshow, climbing on slides and playing in the snow. He's at school right now, and though I'm thinking about him, I'm not up there hovering over his shoulder.

I panicked yesterday and called the doctor because he was hit in the back at school (kidney damage, you know...wanted to know what to observe for and that poor peds office is probably thinking "Oh [expletive], not her again.") which was likely overkill, so I guess I can tell you it gets worse when you are under stress. If you are aware that it's your reaction, you might be able to control it, but if you feel like you need professional help, don't worry about needing it. The help wouldn't be there if nobody needed it, right? One thing I can say is that I only recently found out about some local grief support groups in our area, you might actually try calling local hospices to find out who they can point you to. I honestly have to say this is one place I've seriously gotten a lot of support and help from.

Another couple of things just to give you a warning - this sounds terrible, but your kids will probably also do things to get your attention while you're busy grieving, and you'll end up snapping at them or something like that (swats, in my case, I was not going to swat except for very specific things and I ended up giving one for something outside my original categories..) and then the guilt on that will set in. Just as a warning. That, and what my son now calls "feeling cuddly." You'll want to sit there and hold your kiddos, like it's going to keep them safe. Kiddo, meanwhile, may wish to be jumping and running and playing. Looks somewhat ridiculous when you step back from the situation, but happens.

I had the same feelings as well. I was so preoccupied with the thoughts of losing my living child, I think it was even more overwhelming than the loss of my second pregnancy (in which I was hospitalized b/c of hemorrhaging). I think it is normal to then focus everything on protecting what you have, because after all, now (unfortunately) you have experienced what it is like to lose. Much love.

http://www.stjohns-peabody.com/forms/grief/children_coping_resources.pdf

Steph, after posting I happened to think one big thing that helped was actually trying to make sure my son understood that we were grieving (like I said, it's been two years now) and there was a Mr. Rogers coloring book that was incredibly helpful. I think even to me, that book was helpful. I don't know how old yours are, but honestly, Mr. Rogers was a very smart guy and he worked with professionals to make stuff like this for kids.

You've already had some great replies, but I just wanted to add in that I've kept three of my living children off school today with colds, not bad colds, and probably a year ago I'd have sent them in, but I need them here so I can watch them and be sure. x

Love Jeanette

I am in the same boat. I have a living daughter and miss the way I used to be with her. I hate the constant anxiety that I feel, and now spend most of my days fighting to be the mom I used to be to her. Some days I lose that battle. Like the day I took her to Drs because I thought her rash meant that she had leukemia. The Dr was very kind and patient and did all the tests, and she was just fine. You are not alone. And honestly, crappy things are going to happen that are out of your control. Not even six weeks after the loss of my baby, my daughter took a tumble down the stairs and hit a concrete floor. She was fine, I was not. I briefly went on meds after that, but honestly, I did not respond to them well and went off. Instead I am going to grief counseling, and that seems to be helping. I know that I will never be the same mom I was before my loss, but I also know that I will fight to be the mom that I want to be for her and that's something.

Oh yes. I'm not the most relaxed mum at the best of times but i'm usually okay so long as mine play by the rules. Right now i feel as if someone scratched the wax preserving top off the jam pot that is my family. I keep waiting for something else to go wrong now that it Freddie has died - like we no longer have a protective luck layer.

My husband and I call this the one way ticket to worrywart street. Since our son died in his sleep we check on our survivor to make sure she is breathing at night. We also worry about illnesses much more than we used to. For awhile it was difficult to have her playing outside of my range of sight inside the house, but I've gotten over that. I've been attending therapy and it has helped for me.

I'm relieved to hear this is normal. I absolutely panicked last Friday when my daughter had an allergic reaction to her 4 year old shots. That would be scary to anyone, I think, but it took me all day to calm down and I didn't want to send her to school. In the doctor's office I was literally holding myself together. I was squeezing my arms tight around myself and trying not to breathe so I wouldn't break into hysterical sobs and scare everyone. Her reaction was not life threatening but I was so sure I was about to lose another child. My husband didn't really understand but I think we all know that our illusions have been shattered. We know terrible things can happen at any time and we have to learn to live with that knowledge without letting it ruin our lives. Just another crappy facet of this baby loss.

i don't have living kids, but i live in terror that my husband will die. not only leaving me alone, but also cursing me to live forever without children.

personally, i think it's a perfectly natural reaction. unhelpful, maybe, and unhealthy, maybe. but perfectly natural.

i hate that other people feel like this too :(