OK, so the flashbacks are normal, I get that, but I have this thing about ambulances, esp blue light sirens going ambulances. I only have to see or hear one for a few seconds and I can barely breath, my vision blurs, my heart races, and tears sting my eyes. I'm instantly transported back in time, in the ambulance sat numb while my mw sat holding Florence and holding the oxygen mask over her face.
I live less than a five minute drive from my hospital, near two busy roads.I walk down one of them twice daily to take the children to and from school. I can't avoid the ambulances. What do I do?

Love Jeanette

Jeanette,

It's too much- to relive that over and over. It seems our minds are capable of recalling these moments more than enough WITHOUT such a visceral trigger. What to do?- short of moving... transform the memory? find an alternative positive memory and practice replacing the blue light and sound trigger with a different memory?

I guess I don't know what you can do but I can share my experience with PTSD. After Will died- between the unexpected dilation, the arrested labor, the burst of my water & re-emergence of labor, the emergency classic C, the birth of a premie, a cut of my small intestine and second surgery, a baby on tubes and breath machines, decisions about life support and Will's eventual death in my husbands arms in a different hospital where I could not hold him.... well, I was somehow still shocked to be diagnosed with PTSD as I beat myself up with blame. It is REAL and I couldn't have survived without help from a therapist. I wouldn't have known what to do when flashbacks and sweats would overtake me. I know everyone feels differently about therapy.... but I found the money to go again after Tiger died because i knew what difference it would make to my ability to actually live in a world without my boys. Your memories are your own and maybe having someone who could find what YOU and only YOU need to move through the blue light ambulances is an answer.

Please know it is not something to take lightly or expect yourself to 'just deal'. Take care of yourself.... I need for you to know what you're feeling is real and you deserve someone with a warm blanket to wrap around you.

much light and healing,
(cyber-ly wrapped around you :)
Sooze

The disclaimer and such is that I am not providing actual medical advice, blah blah blah - but I will link you the following, which is likely what care providers are going to be thinking:

http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000901/1035.html

So, there's the probable "official" viewpoint. That, and I'll tell you that probably what is essentially happening to your body is the "fight or flight" response is kicking in which is what's causing the tachycardia and hyperventilation (fancy words for fast heart and too fast breathing which locks you up). Done with the disclaimed, etcetera, information.


Now, as a mum - I don't really know what to say. Our first instinct is to protect our children, and you are walking along and seeing a sound/noise which is associated with the death of one of your children while with your other kids. I think in addition to the ambulance being associated with Florence's death, you're probably getting something kicking in because you're with your other kids. I know I have had problems "hovering" with my living son, with folks ranging from laughing to somewhat irritated at me saying I'm way too protective. But you know what, I see him playing with a piece of string and panic, I see him headed towards the road and though he's fifteen feet away I can just see something happening and there I'll be choosing another urn. I will tell you that after my miscarriage, I had pills thrown at me and it made things in a lot of ways worse. I will say that a lot of us here question repeatedly whether we need help, and that's a call only you can make, but that if something seems like it's not helping, don't necessarily do it just because the doctor said so. You know your body best. With me, I took the pills I was given and it just made everything...blurry, fuzzy, hard to process. Then I still panicked when something kicked in, it just made it harder for other people to tell because it felt like my body wasn't responding to my brain. At least that's what it felt like for me. So I ended up just weaning off and going with breathing when I panicked till I fixed it myself.

Breathing exercises are what I end up turning to for everything, the panic moments I basically had to retrain myself to stop and breathe and reassess the situation. That, and when I couldn't sleep I played this video game taking my fantasy creature and my sword and going out to right the wrongs of the world. Smashing things, even virtually, seemed to help me deal with stuff during the day. Not that the video game will help you, but finding something to help you get the feelings out, whether writing or painting or chopping wood or whatever, emotional expression in some form when it's not a panic situation is absolutely, positively going to be your lifeline.

Stop. Breathe. Hold it. Release the breath. Reassess.

If things get too bad, carefully consider treatment, but remember it's something you'll have to be very careful about who you select as a provider so they don't just shove medication at you and leave it at that. Hang in there, Jeanette.

The replay of the event really does suck and is hard to cope with. I hope you find something that works for you.

At a few months past a year out, the replay has decreased as has the panic that accompanied not being able to immediately tell if my survivor is breathing when I check on her. However I have been going for therapy for awhile now. For me the therapy has been necessary. For my husband he has needed both therapy and meds,
Take care,
K

I'm with K on this. I've needed therapy, yoga, meds and acupuncture to be able to even set foot into the hospital where the boys were born. And an ultrasound pic? Forget about it. I started to hyperventilate when they did the HSG and tried to show me the procedure on the screen. It's all about time. And knowing that it is PTSD, you can try and avoid the triggers. For me, honestly, I returned to yogic breathing. As soon as I started to panic, I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. I called up a mental picture of something that made me happy - usually my English Setter and visualized stroking his fur, talking to him, holding him. And yes, I've actually pulled the car over to do this. And it does take practice. We've all been there. Just know you aren't alone. Big hugs.

Jeanette, I'm so sorry. It must be so horribly to have such an unavoidable reminder confronting you so frequently. I'm afraid I don't have any solutions but I also find some things just seem to bring the memories back very vividly indeed. The soapy and anti-bacterial gel smell of the NICU, ambulances, hospitals, even the smell of the shower gel that I used when I stayed at the hospital with the girls. I think I go extremely light headed, almost as though I'm going to faint, and I get a rush of blood to the head. Very strange feeling indeed.

I agree with Sooze, it isn't something to be taken lightly or something you should expect yourself to be able to deal with. Maybe take up a few of the suggestions here and see if they help ease the panic? x

Jeannette, I'm so glad you posted this, because I have been needing answers too related to some triggers that have become quite traumatizing. I hate feeling imprisoned by my environment, and it sounds like you are experiencing the same thing. Much love to you, please let me know if you make any progress with any of the suggestions.
Love
Mindy

(pregnancy mentioned.)
Wow, thank you for all the replies and suggestions. I thought maybe I was being a bit silly,but to know it's like this and worse for so many others...
Yoga has been helping me. I go to a pregnancy class, and my teacher knows of my loss and has been wonderful in helping me to stay calm for hospital appts. After seeing the ambulance yesterday, once safely in my car (dh was driving) I practiced some yogic breathing (golden breath) and that did help.
I've also been looking into Emotional Freedom Technique with the help of my yoga teacher, but I'm afraid sometimes to use it, cos i know my problems go so much deeper.
I'm going to try and pluck up the courage to talk to my bereavement mw about this and see if she can getme some counselling.
I think I struggle to ask for this kind of help because I'm generally coping y'know? And hey life should be shitty and hard after my daughter died, so this is just part of it, and I am so bloody controlling I think I can "just deal"...urghhh!

Thanks for being here. x