I am still pretty new here. Many of you know that my son Phineas was born March 24 and due to a surprise breech presentation and cord prolapse, he suffered from oxygen and severe brain damage. Even with cold cap therapy, he did not improve and we removed life support when he was nine days old. He died shortly after.

I just am struggling so much over the guilt I feel. Why did we have to try the home birth. Why didn't i notice something was wrong? Why didn't I listen to the whisper that told me to just push him out? Obviously, I don't know what would have happened had things been different, but it is still eating me up inside.

Then I have to go on Facebook and look at all the people I know right know having baby boys. They complain about being pregnant and then have easy deliveries. I did all I could and I still couldn't save my baby. I feel like screaming to tell them that they are damn lucky to be healthy and to have healthy babies.

I am just feeling so low today. I need to stop torturing myself with these things.

I'm so sorry Kathryn. It is hard to listen to other pregnant women, or those who go home with a living baby in their arms, take for granted what they have, and what we have lost. They are damned lucky to be ignorant of this kind of horror, an it hurts us when they make comments and complain. Makes me want to scream as well.

Hugs

Kathryn,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your son Phineas. I know right now is an extremely difficult time for you. After reading this message I feel compeled to say to you that you did nothing wrong. There is nothing you should feel guilty about. You chose to have a home birth in an effort to welcome your son into this world in a loving and warm space. You had the ability to recognize and appreciate that women have been giving birth since the start of human kind and that birthing a baby is not, under most circumstances, a medical event. As hard as it may be right now, you have to believe that you did everything you could for your baby to the best of your ability.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am so sorry that you're experiencing this guilt, Kathryn, The truth is that, no matter what the circumstances, I think all of us feel the same way at times. We all wish we could have done something differently and we all wonder if, in doing something different, the outcome could have changed. Babyless Mother is right, though. You loved your son with all your heart and just wanted to give him the most gentle and loving entrance into this world. You can never be faulted for that. As much as we all can beat ourselves up, look at the love and devotion that is so apparent on this board. You and the rest of us would never do anything to harm our children. Sad as it is, and tough as it is to accept, sometimes terrible things happen that are completely out of our control.

As for other pregnant women, I have the same thoughts as you. It is so painful for me to hear pregnant women complain about weight gain, nausea, etc. Actually, pregnancy in general (other than the pregnancies of women who have already experience loss, namely the women on this board) is just too painful for me to be around or hear about. For that reason, I actually have barely been on Facebook since my loss 4 months ago. As someone who used to be on quite a bit, I actually can't say that I miss it.

I'll be thinking of you, Kathryn.

Kathryn,

They are right- you did nothing wrong. You wanted to do everything right- you never in a million years would have put your son at risk. Never. Period. Life is unfair. That is all Kathryn- that is is pill we must swallow. I hope you can mediate on that sad truth and relieve yourself of the blame. I believe that Phineas' mom deserves better. Missing him is enough of a charge.

As for other pregnant friends, I am a broken record: give yourself permission not to see them. Tell them if you want that you can't deal or don't tell them. Just cut yourself a break- you need to heal. If you need permission- i grant you permission to take care of yourself and give yourself some space. I wish it were as easy as granting it to you- but I hope you will try.

light,
Sooze

The awful and horrid fact is that surprise breech births happen in hospitals too. And cord prolapse happens in hospitals as well. The problems with your son's birth were not a result of location - they could have happened if you were planning a hospital birth as well.

As a mother who planned a homebirth for years - I know you made that decision realistically, and with a view towards what you thought was the best choice for you and your son. I also know that if you had been given a script of this, you would have done everything in your power to change the outcome.

Steph is right - most of us carry a huge burden of guilt we don't deserve, because we as mothers feel we ought to have *known* and we ought to have *done* something, anything to make it different. Many of us, myself included search and search for that one identifiable moment or choice, because blaming ourselves returns a measure of control to us. Some control, even if the price is our own self-confidence, self-worth, self-love, is easier to accept than randomness of the universe or a God who would let us and our children suffer this fate.

But the fact is . . . we have no control. We never did. We, you and I and everyone else, made the choices we felt best at the time, given what we knew then. Whether that was to prepare for a home-birth or a c-section or to trust a particular caregiver or go to the hospital or stay home or whatever that moment of decision is. We made the best choices we could make, and we, you and I and everyone else, do not deserve to carry this amount of guilt. Because we would undo it all if we knew the outcome.

Dear one, please, please be gentle with yourself. It is ok to be hurt by those who unknowingly or unkindly take for granted the blessings they have, whether that is an easy pregnancy or an easy delivery or whatever. It is ok not to be around pregnant women and new babies for awhile. You need to allow yourself some space to heal, so the wound is not so raw when you are around these things.

Thank you all so much for your words. I know deep down that what you are saying is true. Some days I don't feel the guilt strongly. Other days, when I am just feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities with life and with my girls, the wounds feel so fresh and new. My thoughts start going to what I could have done differently so that my son would still be alive. He would be six weeks old today. Gosh, sometimes I just can't stand the weight of it all.

I know that I tried to make the best possible decision for my family. It was a choice my husband and I both felt really good about. I trusted our midwife, and things seemed to be going just fine. There were just some things we never saw coming. My mind just relives it over and over. It is hard to escape because the events happened here at my home.

I think I just need to put certain people on ignore in my internet and face to face interactions. I really want to wish them the best, but I can't. Sometimes I wish they were suffering too so I wouldn't be the only one. One of the parts of grief, I guess.

Today is feeling a bit better, hopefully it stays that way.

Thanks again, it really helps!

I also continue to torture myself by indulging my Facebook addiction. I want to see proof that life is still going on as normal for the people I care about, but I also get mad that their lives haven't stopped because my son died. It's torture and therapy at the same time to see the birth announcements. It's good to acknowledge that not all babies die but it just makes me think of my son and why did we have to win the dead baby lottery.

Kathryn, ignore anyone you want to right now. If they can't understand why you need to ignore them, then they aren't the people you need in your life now.