for one and all > Hiding behind numbers.
Katherine, your post isn't "crass" in the least. Frankly, I think there is something crass about medical providers sending bills to parents who have lost their baby. Those costs should be wiped away. (I remember going in for my follow up appointment after we lost our daughter and getting a bill for a "delivery charge." Delivery charge?? It was like I ordered an armchair from Pottery Barn).
As much as the decision to have a child is an emotional one, there are also practical considerations to take into account. I hide behind these practical considerations, too. Money. logistics, my age, my career opportunities. Hiding behind them takes away the emotional intensity. I think the key is to try to figure out whether the focus on practicalities is a "legitimate one," an actual basis for decision-making... or are these considerations just band aids to stop the fear of trying again from oozing out? That answer will be different for everyone. Finding this answer takes a lot of soul searching and, truly, I am not sure if it is possible to reconcile the heart and the head perfectly. One day I feel content letting the practicalities win; on other days, the desire to have a child beats them out and I can squelch the fear.
I know I am not giving any actual advice here. I haven't even come close to finding the answer for myself. I can only say that, perhaps if you try not to wrestle with it so much, the answer will come in time. In the meantime, I'm sitting here with you and the uncertainty.
As much as the decision to have a child is an emotional one, there are also practical considerations to take into account. I hide behind these practical considerations, too. Money. logistics, my age, my career opportunities. Hiding behind them takes away the emotional intensity. I think the key is to try to figure out whether the focus on practicalities is a "legitimate one," an actual basis for decision-making... or are these considerations just band aids to stop the fear of trying again from oozing out? That answer will be different for everyone. Finding this answer takes a lot of soul searching and, truly, I am not sure if it is possible to reconcile the heart and the head perfectly. One day I feel content letting the practicalities win; on other days, the desire to have a child beats them out and I can squelch the fear.
I know I am not giving any actual advice here. I haven't even come close to finding the answer for myself. I can only say that, perhaps if you try not to wrestle with it so much, the answer will come in time. In the meantime, I'm sitting here with you and the uncertainty.
May 3, 2010 |
Steph
Steph
What Steph said, about a hundred times over.
Numbers relating to money are scary to me. Our financial position is no different than it was a year ago when we got pregnant, better in some ways because we have life insurance and a new saving mechanism and one more year paid on the car and less interest on the credit cards (though the balance hasn't shrunk any, thanks to medical and funeral expenses). And I'm terrified. I'm terrified of the medical bills of the next pregnancy with all the check-ups and specialists, with a cerclage being a necessity (so in-patient surgery with anesthesia, monitoring, labs, and possibly overnight stay) and the possibility of bedrest . . .
And that doesn't even touch on the after-baby expenses like daycare, because honestly I don't believe we will get that far.
I finished paying my bills in March, but am only just beginning to recover, because we had to deplete our savings when a new room charge bill magically surfaced. Best of all was haggling with the insurance company and the hospital because I was moved into a private room following delivery, which my insurance won't cover if semi-private rooms are available. As if I had any say in the matter, to begin with, and as if it would be appropriate to put a newly bereaved mother in with a pregnant woman or newly delivered mother, not to mention the fact they moved me off the l&d floor and up to gynecology and there were no semi-private rooms on that floor. . . I finally just paid it to be done with it all.
I realized that my midwife never charged me and I never even paid the full deposit. Oh well. She's welcome to try and collect from insurance if she likes. Somehow, I don't think she will.
Anyway, I don't think you are necessarily hiding behind the numbers, so much as being practical. How you will proceed or feel when it's all done - who the hell knows? I wish I did. I wish I could tell you it would be easy and you would feel comfortable, but it would be soothing words only. The only practical advice I have is the impossible and unattainable - try not to worry about it or over-analyze it. You will know how it is and how you feel when you get there. There is nothing wrong with not making a decision now when it is impractical to do so.
Numbers relating to money are scary to me. Our financial position is no different than it was a year ago when we got pregnant, better in some ways because we have life insurance and a new saving mechanism and one more year paid on the car and less interest on the credit cards (though the balance hasn't shrunk any, thanks to medical and funeral expenses). And I'm terrified. I'm terrified of the medical bills of the next pregnancy with all the check-ups and specialists, with a cerclage being a necessity (so in-patient surgery with anesthesia, monitoring, labs, and possibly overnight stay) and the possibility of bedrest . . .
And that doesn't even touch on the after-baby expenses like daycare, because honestly I don't believe we will get that far.
I finished paying my bills in March, but am only just beginning to recover, because we had to deplete our savings when a new room charge bill magically surfaced. Best of all was haggling with the insurance company and the hospital because I was moved into a private room following delivery, which my insurance won't cover if semi-private rooms are available. As if I had any say in the matter, to begin with, and as if it would be appropriate to put a newly bereaved mother in with a pregnant woman or newly delivered mother, not to mention the fact they moved me off the l&d floor and up to gynecology and there were no semi-private rooms on that floor. . . I finally just paid it to be done with it all.
I realized that my midwife never charged me and I never even paid the full deposit. Oh well. She's welcome to try and collect from insurance if she likes. Somehow, I don't think she will.
Anyway, I don't think you are necessarily hiding behind the numbers, so much as being practical. How you will proceed or feel when it's all done - who the hell knows? I wish I did. I wish I could tell you it would be easy and you would feel comfortable, but it would be soothing words only. The only practical advice I have is the impossible and unattainable - try not to worry about it or over-analyze it. You will know how it is and how you feel when you get there. There is nothing wrong with not making a decision now when it is impractical to do so.
May 3, 2010 |
eliza
eliza
When Aeryn was born, there were financial issues. There would have been some of them had she been fine, too - don't get me wrong - but some of the things are still making me crazy. The hospital bills were MUCH higher than they would have originally been, due to specialist visits and such. Some ladies from a group I talk to a lot even took up a collection that helped with that. But, the fact is, we are still paying bills. I still owe about $500 on Aeryn's delivery.
One thing I keep thinking though, is that half our current financial stresses are due to having the medical delivery costs of three children even though there's only one alive. Or, am I just focusing on that because the numbers give me something concrete to fiddle with? Is the fear of making a decision on whether to consider having another child being disguised by me waving numbers in the air?
With P, he was conceived quickly after "the miscarriage" because we were in bad shape, having just moved and everything, and we had state assisted insurance, which did not cover birth control and thus the doctor refused to prescribe it. We were using some we had purchased, but it was a high failure rate with two people who had no idea how to use it. When I was pregnant again, suddenly it was imperative we purchase a house, all sorts of things like that. Anchoring. And digging deeper into debt.
So now, I guess, I'm just wondering. Is anybody else in the same sort of situation? I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel finally on the medical bills, but honestly, it scares me. Because, when those bills are paid, I lose something I've been conveniently hiding behind on decision making. You really can't argue with "We can't afford it." But what happens when I finish this degree and we theoretically can? What then?