Tomorrow will be Foster's memorial. His ashes will return home, we'll have some sort of ceremony at the house and we're expecting about 45 - 50 people. I have never wanted to do something less. Not because I don't love my son, but because I feel like it's saying goodbye all over again, and I'm not sure doing this in public is as good an idea as we thought.
We're both so anxious about tomorrow - trading off on breaking down randomly - it's so hard.

Am I alone in this dread? I dread seeing everyone, talking about Foster, about our grief, about all of it. I know this is to celebrate his short (too short) life, and to be a celebration of love, but all I want to do is run away.

Sarah, you're so strong and so brave. I think looking back you'll be glad you had the memorial. When we had Nevan's funeral, we only had immediate family and a couple close friends, which I now regret. It's a chance for all of your extended family and loved ones to hear Foster's story and commiserate in your grief. If I could do it all again I'd have everyone there, so they could know our story. It just seemed so overwhelming at the time.

Thinking of you, Foster and your family tomorrow.

Sarah, we didn't have a funeral or memorial for our daughter. (She was born at 21 weeks... maybe there was some thought that it would seem strange because she was so premature? I can't say what I was thinking at the time). I can't speak from experience, therefore. I can say, though, that from reading other mom's posts here, most who have had a funeral seem to feel very fulfilled by and grateful for the experience once it has passed. As painful as it will be, at least you can look back and know that you honored your son with those who love you and him.

I'll be thinking of you.

Sarah H,
I was so paralyzed in fear of even more pain I almost didn't attend my daughter's memorial service. I was actually completely hung up on the fact that I had nothing to wear.
I went, and I am so glad that I did. There were parts of it that were extremely difficult but there were also parts of it that helped me heal.
You've made it this far through the experience, and you can make it through Foster's memorial service too. You are a good mom. It's o.k. to feel apprehension.

Sarah, I remember reading the post by Chris, Everything but Silas Part 2 (in the memorial section), before our memorial for Olivia and feeling very comforted by it. We also chose two readings for the service that let my family know how we were feeling. You can read them on my blog.

This will be a very, very difficult day for you and Karl but you will feel so comforted by all the people hurting for and with you. You'll also realize how not alone you are, at least for this moment. Let your family take care of you. There are no expectations for what you say, how you feel or what you do. Be gentle with yourself above all. Everyone there just wants to take some of your pain away if they can. Let them if you can. There will be plenty of days later when there's noone there but you.

I'm so sorry you have to experience this. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and sending you strength. You are not alone.

This is a difficult thing, another saying goodbye, which is dreadful, looming.

We didn't have a service, which made things easier for us, but also meant we didn't have that recognition of Gabe's life. I hope, in the long term, this will make some things easier for you.

I wish you strength to get through this day and a few moments of peace in there as well.

We've never yet had a funeral or memorial for either "the miscarriage" or Aeryn. The feeling we should have had a wake at least still bothers me, but now it just seems to be too late all round. I hope you have strength, and at least from where I've been I think you will probably be happier in the long run to have had a memorial. I think the feeling is just the same as we all seem to get for approaches of anniversaries...nervousness and apprehension because this is unknown territory, we were supposed to be jumping around chasing kiddos and keeping balloons from blowing away or something like that, not having a memorial service.

I hope the memorial went well. My daughters funeral was a very beautiful day, and although I was terrified and shaking like a leaf beforehand. I do have some precious memories from that day. x

Thank you for the support. The memorial went fantastically well, considering what it was. Foster's remains are home with us, in an urn our friend made for him. We were (are) surrounded by love and the outpouring we received yesterday was just so cathartic.

The memorial and having Foster home has somehow changed our grief. It's still here, and still bites us when we're least expecting it, but it feels different. Softer maybe? I just like knowing I can go kiss his urn goodnight - it's not the way I expected him to come home, but I'm just glad he's here.

I've done a big long rambly account on my blog for those interested in how it went (in detail). Again - thanks for the support here - knowing others know how this feels makes me sad but feel less crazy when my head / anxiety gets going.

Sarah, I am so happy to hear that the memorial was a positive experience for you (I believed it would be), And I hope that you find just a little bit of peace in the coming weeks.