Wrapped the dog up in one of my 5 year-old's outgrown baby towels after her bath last night. Train (wreck) of thought: Juniper would be almost 3 months. The dog weighs 11 pounds. A three month-old weighs about 11 pounds. Hey this is what it would feel like to be holding him after his bath. (said only to myself, of course)

Went to doctor for sore throat and blood work today. They led me back to the ONE room that has a GIANT photo of a sleeping newborn (or is it dead? No, it's lips are not black. How I wish I didn't know that.) Walked right back out "can we be in a different room PLEASE?" Doctor apologized. "Can we please put -no room 7- on my chart?"

Also got samples of anti-depressants. Don't know what I expect, but more of the same might kill me.

It's fun being me.

So, what otherwise random events make you break down?

About two months after Matilda was born I went to the doctor and had a mole out on my back. I sat on the edge of the bed leaning forwards and the doctor said 'Just a little sting' as she put the needle in. I sat there with tears running down my face - the last time I'd sat there in that position hearing those words was when I was having my c-section.

I posted somewhere else about anti-ds. I'm still not sure whether I'll go on them but one thing my doctor said was - even if my grief reaction is completely normal, medication can still help. I hope you get some relief. She also said the side effects are highest at the start and diminish which is the opposite to the effect of them so don't give up on them if you think they're making you feel worse in the first couple of weeks for no benefit. Hope you get some relief soon.

Maddie x

Yesterday actually at the nuchal scan. Was a wreck to begin with but was holding it in. 2 1/2 years ago, we had used another hospital with my pregnancy with Devyn, about 1/2 hour away from home. This time we are going to the hospital closer to home.

When walked in to the peri's office, there was the sonographer from the differnent hospital , 1/2 hour away, where we found out Devyn was sick. She now works at this closer hospital. She remembers me and come to to me congratulating me, and gave me a a hug. Flashbacks flooded my brain, I lost it and fell to pieces right there.

Ugh, so many things. The stupid sleeping baby photos at the doctors, yes, those get me even now. The bridge we drive over weekly to get groceries (the scene of Henry's death). The site of crows and any black birds. Seeing two boys together, brothers. Hearing the name "Henry" shouted at the park. It's impossible to escape them.

Some triggers are totally random. The other day I was eating toast, and suddenly there I was in that cubicle in A&E and florence was trying to push the ENT tube out of her throat....
I couldn't swallow my toast then.

My worst trigger though is hearing/seeing a blue light ambulance. I have to stop dead and remind myself to breath.It might only be seconds,but I'm in that ambulance...

Thing is I live near two very busy roads, only minutes from the hospital, so I see them almost daily, and it's not getting any easier.

It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette

I was walking the dog and dancing around the tree in the park we had planted for Will (Both his and Tiger's ashes are there now). I walk our dog there most days. Across the path was a family- a 4 year old girl, a dad, and a pregnant mom getting their family portrait taken. It was like watching your past in a movie.I stopped in my tracks. I pinched myself. I laughed. I dropped to the ground, dug my hands in the dirt and wept.

I teach elementary school, and recently, we had a "Muffins With Mom" event. I had to do my "a.m. duty", which consists of standing outside watching the kids who are waiting to get into school when the bell rings. So there I stood, and right behind me, in the grass were some of the Moms with their children. They were sitting on blankets, and eating muffins with their sons and daugthers. I stood there with tears running down my face. One of the kids said, "What's wrong Mrs. ____?" I said, "I have a headache." I thought about how I will NEVER be able to do that with Anna. And that is not fair. She will always be dead. To say that this is a hard pill to swallow is putting it too lightly. It is a pill that I let sit in my mouth, and I refuse to swallow it. I let the bitter taste sit in my mouth, and it makes everything I eat taste like shit. I cannot wait for Summer break. And no lie- today is "Donuts with Dad" at school, and if I walk out there right now, that's what I will see. One teacher just actually came in here and said to me, "Why aren't you out there eating donuts?" Ummm... because my baby died, and it would cause me extreme pain. Is that really so hard to figure out???

What hurts the most is the moment of lapse in which I don't forget, precisely, but where I still think of Gabe as my child and I say something like 'Oh, I am looking forward to taking Gabe there.' It just slips out because it's something we would have done together, and then the words hit home and I think, 'Right, won't be doing that after all then.'

Oh Eliza, yep, I do that too. x

Reading these makes my throat become so tight. My grief encompasses all of this, and all of you. There is so much amazing fight here -- just to get up and survive everyday. I admire all of you, I draw strength from your strength.
And Jeanette, yes, I see an ambulance and it takes me back -- not because we rode in one, but because that was the one thing my midwife never did, call an ambulance, and that was what would have saved him.
And Eliza, I have those lapses too, when I see something boyish, and I want to buy it for him, it's like my brain just doesn't understand, and never will.

The whole world is one big trigger for me lately. But, I'm trying to claw my way out of this latest abyss.

Agreed, Mindy. There is so much strength here. No one can imagine the sheer will that it takes to try to live a "normal" life after all of this, especially when so many tiny reminders of what should have been pepper the landscape.

Hang in there, Sadkitty. There's no harm in trying the anti-depressants (I am considering that myself).

Hang in there, everyone.

Hi, I have been lurking awhile, but this is my first time posting.

The other day, I was driving through town and was passing the intersection near the cemetery when an ambulance pulled out nearby. I was back inside it, my baby dying inside of me.

At the store, there was a grandpa with a boy who was about 4, who looked about what I imagined Phineas would look like. He was so cute and precocious, having a great time with his grandpa, and I thought of what might have been.

At church, where there are a few families with two older girls and a boy. That feels like a sick joke sometimes.

So many, many things.

Oh Kathryn, i'm always so sad to see a new name here. I'm so sorry you lost Phineas. What a lovely name you picked for him.

Steph - the whole world is a trigger for me right now, too.

Oh, gee. Fate just handed me a trigger (isn't it funny how she works like that?). My 2 year old was rooting through my desk and pulled out my address book. I have a collection of things in there-- envelopes with addresses that I need to write down, scraps of paper with telephone numbers, a few photos. Out flutters a small ultrasound picture. My lost daughter at 8w5d. Just a little bean with a tiny flickering heart.

So, yeah, there's a trigger.

A sad welcome to you, Kathryn. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Families with three children (especially three girls) always stab at my heart, too.

So many triggers this week. Hearing a crying newborn in the bank was the worst, but little things like a dad & son fishing kit at the Canadian Tire also threw me. I so want my husband to have his little buddy to grow with. It slays me.

Kathryn - a sad welcome - I've posted a couple of comments on your blog. I'm so sorry you're here, but glad you've found the resource.