MIL e-mailed me this morning to inform me that my SIL's pregnancy is, indeed, viable, They were just off on timing.

I guess baby miracles happen... just not for me.

I was just walking into my house and passed a woman on her cell crying. She says, "She gave birth 30 minutes ago! no doctors, no nurse- Scott just caught the baby! It's so amazing".

Yup, those miracles happen everyday. I really look forward to feeling happy again when I hear about these pregnancies and births. Somewhere, very far away, on what seems like another planet I am happy for them I know. Right now we're just closer to mourning that other's good news reminds us of the saddest news and biggest loss of our lives.

I think these aftershocks are the ugliest part of this grief. The loss itself is enough. It's enough already.

sigh.

I'm new here, so I hope it's ok that I comment.
I think it's hardest to be around women I know personally who are pregnant. My cousin-in-law (who I was l close to when I was pregnant) is having twins in July. I haven't been able to see her or talk to her since the death of my baby. (She also hasn't contacted me). Also, her baby shower is on the 3 month anniversary of my baby's death, which I think is a little cruel. There's no way I'm going to it. A friend at work was (and still is) pregnant with me. Luckily I haven't gone back to work yet, because I couldn't stand hearing about her pregnancy yet, or being the huge elephant in the room while everyone talks about it.

That's the worst. The women I'm close to I can't be around.

Sooze, you are right about the ugly part. The feelings that i have are so, so ugly and I truly hate myself for having them. I also hate that my sister in law gets a miracle... and I just get handed this unimaginable grief.

Rachel, I am so sorry that you join our ranks. Of course, it is more than okay that you comment. If you ever feel like sharing, we'd love to hear about your baby and how you are doing. We are here to listen.

I couldn't agree with you more. It is difficult to see pregnant strangers, but at least I can walk away from them. It is excruciating for me to be around pregnant friends and family, however. They get to feel the joy of their pregnancies. I feel like they all look at me and think: "Oh that horrible thing happened to her so it could never happen to me." I can't wait for the day when being around pregnant women gets easier. Frankly, for me, it only seems to be getting more difficult as time goes on.

I am sorry that your cousin in law didn't acknowledge your loss. People can be so cowardly.

Oh, Steph. That must sting.

I'm so so sorry you have joined us Rachel. I have the same problem - my best female friend is pregnant and I can't stand to be around her. She is very understanding about it. But it is still so painful and just not fair.

Yes, it's all so hard. I'm hoping one day things get a bit easier for all of us, especially being around pregnant friends.

Thanks for your comments. I'm grateful I found this place, it makes me feel more normal. I feel very alone in the real world. My baby girl Nevan was born on Feb 15th, at 41w. Her oxygen was cut off sometime during labour, and she died as a result of her injuries Feb. 16th. I was inspired to start a blog because reading others' has helped me immensely lately. Her story is over there.

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet Nevan, Rachel. She was beautiful. The unfairness of it is all is overwhelming.