I know that there are several of us that have (or should I say, "had") early May due dates. How are you other women coping? (And really, for those of you whose due date or anniversary date has passed already... how did you cope?) I am not doing well. I feel like any of the progress that I have made in the past four months has been eradicated. My husband is worried about me, said it seems like I am slipping back to where I was in the early days after the loss. I woke up this morning and decided to make an appointment for a massage on the due date (May 8th). Figured I'd do something nice for myself. I then hung up the phone and thought: What kind of selfish s-hole am I? My poor, defenseless baby is gone and I'm pampering myself.

I can't wait for that weekend to pass. I am hoping that I'll bounce back after that. If not, I'm going to look into going on anti-depressants.

I hope that everyone else is coping better than I am.

My due date would have been 6th May. Today is exactly five months since we found out the baby had died.

I was thinking of going for a massage on the due date too. The only reason I'm not is that I'm scared I would just cry and cry and cry. I don't think you're selfish for making that appointment at all. If you want a massage, get one. Let someone take care of you. You have been through all manner of crap. If you don't deserve it, who does? My sister got me a voucher for a beauty/pampering place for Christmas and I'm going to use it the Wednesday afterwards (I work compressed hours so have Wed afternoons off).

As far as how I'm coping... I'm scared. I'm OK at the minute (random baby magazines turning up yesterday notwithstanding), but I'm scared. I'm scared of how hard the due date itself is going to be. I'm scared of being on my own that day (my husband's work won't give him the day off even knowing why he needs it). My parents have offered to come up if I want, but I just want my husband really. But I'll call on them if I need to.

I'll be glad when the date has passed. I'm hoping that the feeling of living a dual life will fade then, even if it doesn't leave me completely. I don't think it ever will.

I'm so sorry you are feeling worse again Steph. Grief isn't linear. Please don't feel bad for 'slipping backwards'. It's all just part of the journey. And it's a crappy journey, and one we shouldn't have to make.

I'm thinking of you and all the rest of us with unfilled May due dates.

I dont think you need to punish yourself on your due date, not at all. You SHOULD go for a massage or do something that makes you feel good. I firmly believe that if an afterlife exists then our babies are rooting for us in the most positive ways -- I think they truly and wholly want us to heal and be happy. Don't feel like a jerk getting a massage because your baby passed away, that's just another guilt mechanism that derails us I think. My love to you both.

Because mine is the day after Mother's day, we are skipping town. I will not be seeing anyone or answering the phone. If my back is up to it we will go camping, if not we will spend the weekend on the beach. My husband and I are taking the friday and monday off so I don't have to talk to anyone.

I think pampering yourself is a great idea. I would if I could stand to be around people with all the in-your-face commercialism of mother's day. This is a really hard time for us. I can't stop thinking about how hugely pregnant I would be right now. I think we will feel a little better after our due dates are over. It's the last chapter in our failed pregnancies. I sometimes think mourning my baby and mourning my pregnancy or two separate things and I will only have to deal with one after my due date passes.

Steph - since you don't have an email linked to your name you can email me through my blog if you need someone to talk to as your date approaches. I don't always have time to check here and blogs but I get my email most days. I hope you manage the next couple of weeks okay. I'll be thinking of you.

I didn't think I was very attached to my due date because from the 20 week scan we knew Matilda was likely to be delivered a couple of weeks early at least and then I got PE and was hospitalised at 29 weeks we knew we'd get nowhere near it. In fact, when people used to ask me I'd tell them but be thinking in my head 'it really doesn't matter what the due date is'. So I wasn't nervous as it approached but it did knock me down for a few days. But there was some relief afterwards - I wasn't then thinking, I would've been '38 weeks pregnant now' or 'we should have been sitting around wondering when I'll go into labour' and that did bring some relief.

Hang in there and be kind to yourselves in the lead up and on the day.

Steph,

My heart goes out to you. Passing a due date is tough. To me, it was one more loss. The lead up was terrible, and then somehow the day arrived and I survived it. It was one of those middle of the road days. Lots of tears but no feeling of drowning.

I actually felt better after it passed. Relief, like I could breath. I was worried that I would feel worse, that my daughter would feel further away. For me, and everyone is different, that was not the case.

Plan whatever you like on that day, and then change your mind a thousand times if you need to. Hang on. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I lost my baby 10 days before my scheduled c-section. On the date that he would have been born, my mother was still in town to "help" me so she insisted I get dressed and get out of the house. She took me for a nice lunch and honestly, I am not sure if that helped or not. The day is really kind of a blur in my mind. I think of it as one of many so-called milestone days that have passed and that will soon come. None of them are very easy, so do what you have to do to get through, and if that means a massage by all means treat yourself - no matter what you think, you do deserve any kindness and pleasure you can grab out of this time.

Oh gosh...I just realized that maybe that explains why I'm still down and out after Aeryn's birthday. This happened a bit last year, I couldn't figure out why I hadn't "bounced back" a bit after her delivery/birth date was over, and I couldn't figure out why I've been feeling lost for the past bit...but this would have been more around the time she should have been born. I remember making some kind of joke partway through the pregnancy that I'd have to be going to faire in regular maternity clothes since I wouldn't have anything to wear, then we went after and it's not ever really been the same, something that I used to look forward to all year is now just another numb thing I do because my family has incorporated it into our traditions...it's strange.