We had sex fro the first time since the day our baby died last weekend. That's right, the last time I ever felt Juniper move it was the morning before we last had sex. Pleasant association, no? I was also ovulating (like a motherfucker, as I told one friend) this past weekend. I want another baby so bad. I am greedy, as I already have two big kids, but dammit there is this hole.
Anyway, Dh had a vasectomy in December. I visualize it failing. I think about those tubes growing back together, sperm jumping the rift getting there somehow. They fail sometimes right?
Dh would rather have his arms amputated than ever go through this pain again. He handled the accidental conception of Juniper with reservation (to say the least.) But he got into it towards the end. And for what? Why would he pay $10,000 (the average cost of vasectomy reversal or IVF around here.) To have to be so scared and potentially suffer again and again.

But I am much more scared of having my last try end in such dismal failure. I want a do-over. I want one more baby. Preferably a living one.

Hugs. Have you spoken to DH about how you feel? Maybe with time he'll come around to the idea.

Sadkitty, I really understand how you feel. Our stories are similar. I have two living children and lost our third (also a surprise pregnancy). I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life. Both my husband and I have tremendous fears of losing another baby. Yet, it is hard to accept that my reproductive life may be over. I cherish my children and am beyond grateful that I have them. Still, this is this horrible hole. Part of me knows that that hole will never be filled, even if we have another child. I want my daughter back. I want HER in our lives. Still, there is a small part of me that wonders if I can risk it all again and try for another baby. It doesn't help that I will be 38 soon. So, it is basically now or never. Yeah, no pressure.

I agree with Maddie. Talk to your husband. Maybe he just needs some reassurance that you can handle whatever comes your way.

I have talked to him. His sentiments were "like I'd ever want to go through THAT again." He is so very fearful and anxious about life in general anyway.
Its another thing I have to mourn. I am not ready to be done having kids, but I HAVE to be. I have to get through it, but damn I'd rather go around it.
Unless, of course, things fail.

Steph and Sadkitty,

Good thing I haven't had any wine tonight. Mercy. Yeah, surprise on #3 for us too. And then the OB told us that we "couldn't" get pregnant and then ended up with surprise #4. And still only have two living children. Two surprise babies, two abruptions, two funerals in September, too fucking much to handle.

And the whole "with reservation" sentiment is the understatement of the century at our house regarding hubs reaction to both 3 and 4. Oh. My. God. Thank you girls for totally understanding.

Much love.

Oh, fuck. I don't mean "ONLY two living children." I know we are blessed beyond measure with the kids we've got. I hope that's not taken totally out of context, friends.

It's a conversation worth revisiting when some more time has passed. The answer may not change, but the feelings around it all may.

When it first happened to us, Gabriel was still in my arms and I looked at my husband and said 'Never, never again. I will never go through this again. Ever.' and he agreed.

Once some time had passed, our views changed. That may be informed by not having living children, but I do think that final decisions take some time to make. So if you still feel this way in a month or two, bring it up again.