I started seeing a psychologist who specializes in pregnancy loss almost immediately after my loss, so it has been about 2 months. I have come the conclusion that, even though she is highly credentialed, I am not really getting much from our sessions. I do the vast majority of talking and, when she speaks, I don't find that she says anything particularly insightful. I also find that she doesn't seem particularly engaged in what I am saying. She yawns frequently (I am chronically exhausted too, so I guess I can let that slide) and seems distracted at times.

Yesterday, we spent a good chunk of my session discussing the fact that she thinks my husband and I should take a week long vacation in some place tropical. Of course, in a perfect world, I'd love nothing else. However, she didn't seem to get or care that it is not feasible for us right now. My two children are small and very demanding, which would be tough for either grandmother to handle. (The counselor actually suggested we hire a babysitter to watch them while we're away... I am not going to trust a babysitter who I don't know or barely know to watch my children 24/7....). We also have a one year old dog that is almost as high needs as my kids, but he is too young to put in a kennel.... I walked out of there feeling badgered and irritated.

I only intended to go for a few sessions, but I feel like she is roping me into long-term therapy by scheduling my sessions weekly... and scheduling them for weeks in advance. I went to a therapist years ago (who I loved) and, even though I am far from perfect, I feel like I have my life and my "issues" well in hand and don't need to go through anymore long-term therapy. (Not to mention the fact that each session is almost $200).

Here's my dilemma.... Although I feel almost guilty saying this, especially here where so many of you wonderful women are struggling to have your first child, we haven't ruled out trying to conceive again. The odds are slim that we will, but there is a possibility. This counselor is very well connected within the medical system that I use. She said that, if I get pregnant again, she could arrange to have me monitored by an RE for the first 12 weeks. She also said she could arrange a consultation with the Chief of OBGYN to discuss how my pregnancy would be handled. Finally, if I get past the first trimester, she could arrange for me to be monitored by the head of the maternal fetal medicine. As I said, it seems unlikely that we will try for another child but, if we do, we'll have to make a decision fairly soon since I am going to turn 38 in a few months. (And, again, I hope I haven't upset or offended anyone with my mention of TTC when we already have two kids).

Does anyone have any advice for me? I am really not sure how to handle this situation....

Scm,

If your gut feeling when you leave her office is one of frustation and being misunderstood, follow your instincts. Stop going or scale back to seeing her once per month. Life is too hard after baby loss to add any unnecessary strain.

I get that you feel torn due to her medical connections to the RE, and Chief OB. Is seeing specialts linked with your insurance health insurance (do you live in the states?) I do not know the circumstances around the loss of your child, ?premature labour. I live in Canada so I may be speaking out of turn but I see a RE and have already had a consult with a high risk OB for my (hasn't happened yet and hopefully will) subsequent pregnancy to discuss a treatment plan. I believe you are entitiled to this medical care regardless of your connections to the yawning, weekend get-away-obsessed counselor.

If you feel unsure, as always, wait until the answer becomes more clear. I find decisions tougher to make with grief looming. It is as though there is more fog and wishy washy haze in front of me, so take more time if you need it. I hope this helped.

Diana, thanks so much for your input. I should clarify: I think that, if left to my own devices, I will not be able to unilaterally request seeing an RE.. and I know that the Chief of OB will not see me for a consult without the therapist facilitating it (they are supposedly good friends). My loss was at 21 weeks due to an infection of the placenta. I believe that, because my loss was not caused by any condition that would likely recur (ha-- we all know how odds work, don't we...) I am not sure if I'd be classified as high risk. Trust me, if I do get pregnant, I will scream and stomp my feet to be classified as such... however, I am just not sure how far I'd get without someone pulling some strings for me behind the scenes.

I agree with you, though. For the time being, I should just scale back my visits with her to monthly. At least I'll be keeping the door open if we decide to try again. I must admit, though, I am nervous to tell her that i want to scale back. I have the feeling I will face major resistance from her because I am only two months out from our loss. Ugh.

If it's not a good fit, it's not a good fit. You know what you need in your heart and if she's not able to help you navigate the map then you need to find someone who can. I work for a grief counselor and have seen how well they can steer people through the storm of loss, but sometimes personalities don't mesh and there's no fault in that.

Also, I received all of the monitoring (weekly US, appts with an RE and high-risk specialist, etc) simply because I told my OB that that's what I needed. Just like a therapist, their job is to care for you no matter what that looks like. You shouldn't need an "in" to receive exemplary care. Don't let them badger you into thinking you're being silly by asking for "extra" care. You know what you need and you are your own best advocate.

Best of luck and much peace.

I am so glad that I posted this question on here.

Julie, you couldn't be more right. After reading the responses (as well as my own posts), I took a step back and can see that I am acting like a helpless child here. If I do get pregnant in the future, my care shouldn't be contingent on some therapist getting me an "in." I should advocate for exactly what I want and, if I don't get it, go elsewhere. (I was actually very unhappy with my care for the few weeks before my loss for reasons too lengthy to get into here... so maybe changing would be in order, regardless).

How sad. I was a lawyer before I became a stay at home mom. I used to strenuously advocate for my clients and "bang heads" when necessary. Now, after feeling so powerless to prevent the loss of my child, and now while wallowing in grief, I feel like a helpless little girl. The more I think about it, I think the therapist is promoting that by putting herself in this elevated position due to her "connections."

I just wanted to tell you that I really understand that feeling of powerlessness and I think you hit the nail on the head in your last line about your therapist. It is as though she is marketing herself to you!

I absolutely agree with your last post and Julie's encouragement to be your own best advocate. I had an extremely difficult and high-risk pregnancy with my son, that didn't result in loss. I decided to find the best perinatology practice I could at the best hospital for this pregnancy (and that was even before I knew I was having twins...WAY high-risk for me). I had so many years of infertility and being tumbled through the medical system like drifwood on the waves that I refused to let others make such important decisions for. The person who cared the most about my medical care was't the 'perfect doctor'...it was me!

OK, so I'll qualify my answer, as I'm a therapist. First, I'm sorry you're feeling disconnected from your own therapist...it is her job to make you feel completely listened to and understood during sessions. I would be insulted if I had a constant yawner (plus as a therapist, I've learned to yawn with my mouth closed...seriously). My challenge to you is to ask yourself if you are feeling ready to be done with therapy b/c your work is done, or are you hitting a roadblock that is making you resistent, or are you just not feeling connected and in need of assessing if she's the right fit for you.

I'm not a fan of keeping people for longer than they need. I usually start with weekly sessions, but am find moving to every two weeks rather quickly. With my loss/grief clients, I'm completely fine with doing a monthly 'check-in' or even letting them call as hard dates come up rather than having a standing appointment.

My encouragement is to speak up your concerns to her. You will have a good sense of what you need to do by her reactions. If she seems very concerned with your continued growth and comfort with the process, then it be worth considering to see her on a less frequent basis. If she gets immediately defensive or pushy, you know your instincts of her not being a good fit or pushign her own agenda on you are correct.

GL...I know most people shy away from confronting their therapists, but I think there's something so powerful in doing that. I really admire and appreciate my clients who can tell me what they need and if they are not getting it. I'm SO not perfect, that's for sure, and always have room to do better.

Oh yeah, and this is timely for me as I have my first appnt with my own therapist today. (And I'm appalled at the amount of typos in my above post...I hope the missed words and misspellings still make some sort of sense).

I can relate! My counsellor
a) leaves her phone on during our sessions
b) has been known to answer it (she says immediately she's with someone and can she call back, but still...) (also, she's a nurse on the ward as well as a counsellor so you could argue she needs to be contactable - but as far as i'm concerned if her counsellor role is to be taken seriously she should be able to switch her phone off or leave it with someone else while she is in appointments)
c) discloses regularly* that she has never had a miscarriage or pregnancy loss - i personally don't find this problematic, but i can imagine that others might find this very offputting (people could think she couldn't possibly understand if she hasn't been there - like i say i don't myself, but i find the personal diclosure offputting)
d) discloses regularly* that her mother lost many pregnancies
e) has never been less than 20 minutes late for our sessions
f) told me in our last session she was waiting for an important phone call. then told me at the end of the session that it was to do with her daughter's career.
and this is the great one.... g) told me that she didn't mean this 'in a religious way', but that she believes these babies 'go to a better place'. 1) HOW is that not religious, and 2) HOW is it supposed to be comforting? whether you are religious or not?

* when i say regularly, i mean that she's told me three times at three different sessions.

and yet, next time round i'm going to be booked into her hospital. and she's basically told me that if i get scared and need a scan, i can call her and she will sort me out. my midwife is in a different trust and doesn't know the people at this hospital (but it's better for me - more experts, better testing, etc etc) so she can't phone up and say 'can i just send B over, she's really scared'. (she could send me back to the hospital i was booked into last time, but if i never go back there it'll be too soon.)

luckily she's decided (seemingly quite arbitrarily) that i don't need to see her regularly any more. but i'm torn between thinking i should report her as shockingly bad (i honestly think i could counsel people better than this, based on the fact i used to volunteer at Samaritans [www.samaritans.org] so at least know what NOT to do) and thinking that a) i have no energy to get into fights with hospital staff and b) i don't want to burn that bridge when i might need it.

scm, to get back to the topic (which is YOUR issues - see, i remember, honest!) - i think that scaling back or dropping her altogether is a really good idea. i bet it'll feel like such a relief to you, too. if she says anything, you could always say you can't afford either the time or the money to see her right now and that you hope circumstances change soon so that you can.... with your fingers firmly crossed. but if you are brave enough to do as Eve suggests and challenge her, then GOOD LUCK, and we will all applaud you i'm sure.

I am not seeing a grief counselor (though I should be and discussed this today at a Drs. appiontment...) but I have had my fair share of therapy. My opinion is what you've already discovered for yourself from reading your posts -- you need to leave her if she isnt helping you anymore (if she ever did). Sounds like she is milking you, and if there is no mutual benefit to be had (ie, she is helping you) then I say find someone who can and dont worry about the "ins" she says she has -- she may not have that kind of pull anyway, and you will be able to do most of this on your own by advocating for yourself.

Good luck with whatever you decide!! Hugs,
M

I also see a pscychologist, but I have been seeing her since I recieved a serious diagnosis with my baby, so prior to his birth and death. I have often come out of there wondering if I am actually getting anything out of it, because for the most part it seems to be nod and agree on her part. I still need to see someone to talk with but dont know if she is the best person for me. So I dont really have much advice for you there. But also wanted to comment as I also have two small, demanding children and Connor was to be my 3rd and last baby that completed our family. My husband and I have agreed we have not completed our family yet and have just started IVF as we have fertility issues. Wishing you all the best with whatever you choose

It sounds like you've reached an answer - and one I agree with - on your own.

Good for you! It's a tough thing to look at and evaluate freely, so I'm glad you've done it. Through scheduling conflicts I've not seen my therapist in a month or so, and I am glad. There isn't much work we can do until another pregnancy, I think. So I'm comfortable with that wait.

Mindy - I'd love to hear about your appointment, if you'd like to talk about it in the new forum.