I was at the library today and I knew I wanted to see if I could find a biography of Jackie Kennedy. When we came home after Henry passes I spent alot of time on the internet trying to find people I could connect to and her name came up -- she suffered a miscarriage (at least one), a stillbrith of a daughter, and the death of her son Patrick in 1963 at the age of 2 days (just 3 months before the assasination of her husband JFK) because of "infant respiratory distress syndrome".

So here I am in the library, and I've found a book. I open the jacket to read the blurb and the very first sentence reads something like this: "Death spared Jackie Kennedy from having to endure the worst possible nightmare of every parent: the death of her child" -- in reference to the death of JFK junior. It does NOT go on to mention that she experienced miscarriages, stillbirth, or the death of her son Patrick. Apparently this writer does not deem these to be "children" or to have mattered to her in any way -- he writes her story as if they do not exist.

Needless to say I was furious. I snapped the book shut and ran up to my husband and just blurted out (rather too loudly for the library) how disgusted I was with this book and how could they possibly gloss over the loss of her children like that. It made me feel sick to think that there might be people out there that would look at the death of our children and think that they didn't matter, or that we don't suffer intensely from their loss.

I just wanted to come here and share that with people who would understand what I'm talking about. Wherever Jackie is I hope she knows that we haven't forgotten about them, and they mattered, just like our babies matter so very much to us.

Mindy, I think that is just a sad commentary on the fact that society doesn't regard our children lives as having any significance. It is such a horrible thing to say but, unfortunately, I believe it is true. Only we (us, our husbands or partners and, in a few rare cases, some extended family) knew our babies. To the rest of the world, they are a "pregnancy loss" or a "miscarriage" or a "stillbirth." Sorry to be so negative about this but I think it is simply a fact. A lousy fact.

I was recently watching a documentary about JFKs final hours and I thought of Jackie's losses. What is harder is that she was in an large Irish Catholic family where everyone else was having healthy babies , and often. (I would guess that some of her sister in law's had losses, but I think they all had many more children than she). My husband's family is a large Irish Catholic family. One of his cousins just had her fifth child. Personally, I can't help but think: "Why are we the ones who lose our baby and everyone else has baby after baby with ease?" I would guess Jackie had some similar thoughts.

Mindy,
I learned about Jackie's children that died earlier this year when Robert Kennedy died. It was this whole story I came upon that I had never heard about prior. I thought she was brave to have 3 more children after her daughter that was stillborn. That author you found sucks, and laying in to your husband in your "noisy" voice is totally something I would do. If you destroyed the book by fire or something reasonable, I will help pay your library fines.

I just looked at the Wikipedia entry about her and her first child-- her stillborn daughter-- was named Arabella. Who knew? I think it is interesting-- here is someone who people could regard (at least prior to JFK's death) as having the world at her feet. Yet even she wasn't immune to this horror.

I regretted not using her daughters name in this post after I found that too. Arabella is a beautiful name. I know it may sounds strange (and maybe sour grapes of me) but it gives me comfort in a way to know that even the wealthy and seemingly "perfect" people aren't immune to loss -- somehow it makes me feel like less of a freak at times.

I feel that we are in good company -- we are all amazing women, with careers, or who stay at home and parent, and our lives are extraordinary, and our losses tragic and un-healable. I wish the media was more open about babyloss, that "celebrities" werent so elevated that there could be discussion about their own losses so it could bring to light our own -- give them credence in the eyes of others.

Mindy, I couldn't agree with you more about wishing that celebrities would admit to pregnancy loss. There seems to be this myth that bad things can't happen to the rich and the beautiful. Sadly, I think that celebrities, in most cases, do everything they can to perpetuate this myth.

A while ago, Celine Dion came out and said that she was pregnant. Several months later, she said that she "wasn't" really pregnant. (Something about the doctor thinking that the fertility treatments worked, but they didn't). Only recently did she admit that she had, in fact, had a miscarriage. I commend her for finally being honest. I think there are a few other celebrities who have honestly admitted their pregnancy losses (Courtney Cox comes to mind). However, by and large, it appears that all celebrities have charmed pregnancies.... like Gisele Bunchen, who said that she didn't even feel an ounce of pain during her perfect water-birth (god, did her comments make me want to scream--- I gave birth to a 21 week old baby and felt intense contractions. I guess I am just some lowly commoner...)

Gisele's comment made me want to smack her.. not because she's perfect and she had a great time and because I wish I was her.. but because it's clearly rubbish and she's so entranced with her own publicity that she just had to get that out there so we'd all feel that little bit more envious. You'd think, actually, that she'd be so in love with her baby that her everyday world (the media) wouldn't register at all. Stupid girl.

I know someone who's just been given a newspaper column because she's something of a celebrity around here. So far she's taking great pains to write about her life as I imagine Gisele would: not only is she beautiful and loved and a busy professional woman, but she keeps a spotless home and is a doting parent. Come ON - the myth is both boring and transparent.

That's really interesting about Jackie. This stuff keeps coming back to my attention lately.

Diana - you're funny! I laughed.

I totally agree with all of you about Gisele, I was sad and angry when I read what she had to say about her birth -- not because she had a glorious homebirth (though I admit i did feel a twinge of "Why not me?!"), but because she was so glib and blithe about the experience, as if it was as easy as getting dressed up for the oscars -- and all of us "others" who described it as painful (damn right it is!) were just not "in touch" with our birthing experiences (thats the implication I got from her comments). Yes, I wanted to smack her too. If the rich and priveleged could be honest I suppose it would make them stop feeling so omnipotent. Gisele can take her "not even a little bit painful" birth and shove it up her neat little brazillian waxed arse.

I'm sort of split. I totally understand the desire for people in position of 'power' or in the spotlight to be open about their fertility treatments (cough, JLo, cough) and their miscarriages or struggles, because it is so taboo. And if these people would be more open, it would more acceptable to discuss it and easier to discuss it and it would let people in on the fact that no one deserves a miscarriage or baby loss and it's fairly well random luck striking us.

At the same time, I know how little I'd want my privacy invaded and how little I liked the scrutiny over our decisions and how they may have impacted Gabe's birth, and I have to think it would 100 times worse when there are people photographing all those decisions and discussing them ad nauseam without real context, you know?

Celebrities can live under such a microscope anyway that I can't quite condemn them for not sharing something so hurtful and personal and opening it up to public consumption. But I do very much admire the women with the strength to come forward and lay it out there.

Ah, Mindy, love it! AMEN!

Mindy,

Let us know when you're going to do the book burning...we'll all join you! Thanks for the laugh!

Hugs