... I have a terrible day like today, where I feel exactly like I did the day after we lost our daughter. I feel hopeless, totally depressed and trapped in the thought: "Why me??"

I took my younger daughter to a play group at the library this morning. Truth be told, I didn't want to go in the worst way. Hell, I didn't even want to get out of bed today. But I went because i knew it would make her happy. It was the first time we had been to this particular group and, wouldn't you know, every other mom there was either pregnant or had an infant in tow. I wanted to run out of the room screaming. I have rarely wanted to leave a place so desperately as I did that library. Yet I stayed. I stayed because my daughter was happy as a clam and I didn't want to deprive her of that. I feel like my grief has robbed my kids of so much the past two months. I just wanted to give her a fun hour. But I hated every second of it.

On top of that, I look in the mirror and feel so troubled by what I see. I look exhausted, like I've aged 10 years in 2 months. And, at the risk of being vain, I hate the flab hanging around my waist. The spread of pregnancy with not a damn thing to show for it.

I feel so sad and lost. Days like today make me wonder if I will ever be okay again. Most people treat me like I am, or should be, "fine" now. I'm not. Not by a long shot.

I have these days too and I'm further out than you are. Glad you managed to go and stay at the playgroup. That's a big accomplishment.

I've found for me the first time doing anything sucks. However the second time isn't as painful.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Honey I think you did the right thing, sometimes doing things for our living children requires that we do things that just break our hearts (I know, I take Finn places sometimes that just kill me and I want to run screaming too). But as mothers wouldnt we do anything for any of them (living or dead)? I think you should feel proud of yourself today that you did something that wasn't comfortable, but you did it for your kids, and that makes you a great mother.

Hugs to you, dont be hard on yourself, take a bath, relax, dont hate on your body too much (I know, I do it too) -- it gave birth to love, and thats a fact.

That's the one thing about grief that I don't think I ever really understand (and boy I thought I KNEW since I counseled women with grief)...that the path is so unpredictable and plummets with no notice. Not even like the infamous phrase 'rollercoaster ride' people like to use. At least with a rollercoast you can see the hills ahead. Maybe a rollercoaster in the dark, or like waking up each day with no connected history or tether of expectation to keep us firmly grounded.

I'm so sorry that library group was full of women in the seemilngly carefree mode of family making. I've not walked in your shoes...I do know i had to stop attending a Mommy Group with my son when I was going through infertility b/c I just couldn't handle the constant pregnancy announcements and adorable bursting bellies.

I do think you were very strong to stay for your dd. As Mindy said, it shows your tremendous love for all your children.

Grief is aging. But how could it be any other way? I imagine you couldn't stand to look in the mirror and see yourself lookng brighter and better than ever. Yes, be forgiving with yourself. You are not meant to feel and look carefree.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having an especially bad day. To second what Eve said, yeah, sadly, that's just the way it goes. I am about a year in, and although things are much different now than they were in the first few months, the bad days remain unpredictable. The wave comes when it comes--all we can do is ride it out. This seems to be common to most people in our babylost community.

I find on those bad days that the best thing to do is not to fight it - to do whatever I need to take care of myself, to feel safe, to rest, to be around people I trust, and to not judge myself harshly. There is no clear timeline, no obvious learning curve, no real plan for when and how we get better. It takes as long as it take. And yeah, it totally totally sucks. xo